1) I am in alot of pain, but to let that out with H in the hope I will get answers I need would only cause a very stressed H to go over the edge.
2) H is very keen to have a good friendly R with me for the sake of the children. I am also keen to build up a good friendship with him, but I can't work out if it is for the sake of the children or if is just not being able to let go.
Very confused. At the end of the day, this is not a R I want to be in because of what he would be 'offering' me. In actual fact that is academic, as he doesn't want to stay anyway. But I still don't want him to go. I can't believe that someone who I have been so involved with for over half my life is now slipping away... I'm not going to see him everyday (Hello? I don't see him everyday now!!!!), he's not going to come home at night, we won't spend the weekend together with the children. I am screaming I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO!!!
Please, someone who has read my stuff knock some sense into me. I don't want to spend all week looking forward to the 30 mins handover time I get with him... is that going to be what it is like?
I've not taken my rings off yet (although desperately want to) because we haven't really told anyone yet. But, I have found a really nice jewellery designer who does stuff that I like (instead of the boring, run-of-the-mill stuff he bought me - sorry darling) and I am thinking of having a nice ring made out of a necklace he bought me after he had got involved with my friend. That has been quite helpful in detaching I think.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
It won't always be like this HC. You are still very fresh into this. Over time, you will be able to pull away from him without it rocking you to the core. You will eventually be detached from him. You aren't yet and no one would expect you to be! It takes some people years to detach...for you, I think that - even though your sitch is really bad and sad - I think it will not take you as long as it takes others. The reason I say this is that I read such a strength in your posts.
But it will still take a long time so be patient with yourself!
You need to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your kids. Try not to agonize too much about other motivations, since it's something you need to do anyway.
You need to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your kids. Try not to agonize too much about other motivations, since it's something you need to do anyway.
That's really interesting. I suppose it is easier to detach from someone if you don't have to keep up a good relationship for the sake of the children. I have to put the children first, detaching second maybe?
Reading my book has helped. At least I am thinking about the children now, whereas recently I think all I have really thought about is myself. I don't beat myself up, just think it is part of the survival process.
Thanks for your input! I really am very grateful for people who have some experiences in these areas, as I don't have any friends who are divorced or separated. Don't really know anyone who has been through it.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
Ok, so he's home after 2 days and nights away. He's caring, kind, friendly, but talking about viewing flats (I am encouraging him to be honest now). We were also talking about possible sexual encounters for him now, he says he is kind of on the lookout.
Don't get me wrong, I think for us it is much better for him to tell me. Firstly, it helps me to see where we really are, and secondly this is our new R (as co-parents) which doesn't have the secrecy. I don't want to have a R with him where we go back to the lying and the awkwardness. I would much rather he told me about sleeping with other people than not.
But goodness, already? When did this man leave me exactly (mentally I mean)? I was literally so shocked I had to sit down and have a cup of tea, I was lightheaded.
The irony is, that finally I have got the openess I wanted with him, and it makes him so much nicer. I like spending time with him. Yet it is over. I almost can't understand why he has got to move out, why we can't spend the weekends together.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
We had a good day Saturday. The oldest 3 went to Grandma's and we had some time to talk. We deliberately went to a town 40 mins away because we talk well in the car. We talked about us and the OWs, lots of things. I got to hear some details which I asked for (not sure why?) which I think I needed to hear to help me comes to terms with what has happened.
Then in the evening I went to bed (very tired and drained and hardly eaten anything as usual) and it hit. Very very upset, very angry, horrible feelings. I got up, left the house, drove to the beach and screamed in my car about the OWs - what have you done to me, I hope something horrible happens to you etc.
Came home and H asked what was going on, so I told him how I felt. Of course that conversation was useless (what was I expecting?) and he was a bit taken aback about how I reacted. The next day he is very cagey, saying I had gone down in his estimations (I said I can live with that).
We agreed I was entitled to feel that way, even to say those things to him, but he was entitled not to hear it if he didn't want to. Thing is, because he 'left' me emotionally a long time ago, he has moved on, much further than me. He only has to aim for a good co-parenting R.
I think he is very unsettled about how I am going to paint him to the family and the children. When he hears me getting very emotional about us, in whatever shape that comes in, he gets very defensive. I have promised (and I can do that) that I will follow the advice of the Counsellor as to what to say. That is still 9 days away, so at the moment we are trying to form a good R by ourselves.
Our old R is so over (and has been for, what years?!) that there is almost no point in looking at it with him. Actually, to be fair he did say that maybe one day when things have blown over he would be happy to sit down with me and acknowledge how badly he hurt me and how much he messed up.
For now, what is helping our split is that I own up to my stuff, which I do.
Thanks for listening!
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
So, for now I am looking for things to ebay so I can raise money to pay for my new piece of jewellery that I am having made. I think I am going to use a diamond pendant that he bought for me after he had a 'thing' with one of my closest friends, and have it re-made into a ring.
So far I am listing -
* my thigh-high black pvc boots (not going to wear them for a couple of years at least, am I?!!)
* for 40s style suspender belt with faux vintage stockings that I bought 2 months ago and have never worn (ditto)
* my Joyce Meyer 6 CD set on 'The Spirit of Fear' because I've listened to it and quite frankly, the main reason for living in fear is going
Being very careful not to sell anything that is 'ours'!!!
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
