It is an interesting topic, lodo. I guess what I wonder is if someone is prone to cheating and lying in their marriage will they do the same in other situations. I know that people can and do change, but really if you are an non repentant cheater on your spouse, are you more likely to do "bad things" in life.
Interesting thing to think about. I have always had so little respect for people that cheat on their spouse in the first place so now that it has happened to me, it is even more so.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Good question sara. but are personal ethics different from social ethics? I think my W behaves very ethically in public. But she's screwed around in our M. So what does that say? Should a third party discount her public actions because her private life is screwy? I don't know.
I don't think it's fair to compare your wife to a politician. People want to hear the candidates spout the stance of their interest group. Talking to many different groups to garner support will necessitate saying conflicting things, sometimes referred to as lies. Politicians feel they must lie to succeed. So you have a profession that demands skilled liars. Wives on the other hand don't need to lie. So saying you how you would judge a politician who you know lies and cheats is not the same as saying how you would judge a wife or a husband who lies and cheats. At least it isn't the same to me.
I'm okay. Not much to say. Tend to over-analyze but it's getting better. No time for GAL because I'm crazy busy and those obligations are making me frustrated and tired and nervous and depressed and lonely and out of sorts. I want it all to just go away so I can be alone and plant things in the garden or go for a hike or whatever.
Wish I didn't think so much about W, but of course I do. Am still trying to figure out how she feels, why she felt her actions over the past 8 months were the best course of action. Deep in my heart I believe the craziness of it all was due to OM - I can't see any other explanation for how she suddenly shut down and refused to work on things, even at those times when she was horribly conflicted about wanting to get back together. But there's a bigger wrench - her need for independence. And that was the killer. She felt smothered because M to her is too much compromise - the very thought of it made her want to flee, at least at this moment when she wants to spend all her time pursuing her ambitions. Her independence is also why things probably aren't advancing with OM - only time will tell. I once reminded her that my parents were separated for 2 years while they worked things out but she said she couldn't return to the R with conditions.
What I hate is that I knew all of this was possible. When I first met her, she was the OW in an affair. She's an incredibly smart woman, but horribly immature when it comes to her emotional life. She's told me this again and again. So what does that mean? It means she'll end up in affairs or being the other woman or not being willing to get through the tough times and ending relationships again and again.
The hard part, of course, is that I inspired something else in her. I showed her another way and we were together a long time, but then I fell down on maintaining that. So here we are.
I still am at the point where I really want her to realize what she's done, but I don't think she will. It's taken a long time for me to see that she doesn't even think about things she said to me a month ago, much less 6 months ago. So slowly I'm beginning to let go of that need to know she's feeling remorse.
Lodo, I agree we seems to continue on the same wavelength if not in our details, at least in the way we feel about them. Busy is stressful, but busy is good. But hopefully your work/study obligations will taper a bit and let you spend some time concentrating on the rest of your life. It's normal to think about W, I still do constantly. But I am better at not letting it be the barometer of how I act, what I do. It's not easy but I'm getting there.
When I met W, there were also small signs of what she is displaying in full glory right now. I also think it boils down to emotional immaturity. We helped each other grow in our life together, but maintaining, feeding, nurturing the R -- that's where we failed. And when things got difficult as a result, she regressed back to her immature self and I lost her.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I also think it boils down to emotional immaturity. We helped each other grow in our life together, but maintaining, feeding, nurturing the R -- that's where we failed. And when things got difficult as a result, she regressed back to her immature self and I lost her.
I agree prob. a lot of us may not have nurtured our R's as much as we should have, but I think every marriage is going to have tough times or times where you're busy or don't pay as much attention as you should, or you're depressed (like I was) or sick, or whatever. And when you're married you don't or shouldn't find an OP and just bail on the marriage. Because I think every marriage goes through patches like that. I used to take 50/50 blame with our marriage blowing up, or maybe even more than that, but I'm not so sure anymore about that...Karen
I'm okay. Not much to say. Tend to over-analyze but it's getting better. No time for GAL because I'm crazy busy and those obligations are making me frustrated and tired and nervous and depressed and lonely and out of sorts. I want it all to just go away so I can be alone and plant things in the garden or go for a hike or whatever.
Wish I didn't think so much about W, but of course I do. Am still trying to figure out how she feels, why she felt her actions over the past 8 months were the best course of action. Deep in my heart I believe the craziness of it all was due to OM - I can't see any other explanation for how she suddenly shut down and refused to work on things, even at those times when she was horribly conflicted about wanting to get back together. But there's a bigger wrench - her need for independence. And that was the killer. She felt smothered because M to her is too much compromise - the very thought of it made her want to flee, at least at this moment when she wants to spend all her time pursuing her ambitions. Her independence is also why things probably aren't advancing with OM - only time will tell. I once reminded her that my parents were separated for 2 years while they worked things out but she said she couldn't return to the R with conditions.
What I hate is that I knew all of this was possible. When I first met her, she was the OW in an affair. She's an incredibly smart woman, but horribly immature when it comes to her emotional life. She's told me this again and again. So what does that mean? It means she'll end up in affairs or being the other woman or not being willing to get through the tough times and ending relationships again and again.
The hard part, of course, is that I inspired something else in her. I showed her another way and we were together a long time, but then I fell down on maintaining that. So here we are.
I still am at the point where I really want her to realize what she's done, but I don't think she will. It's taken a long time for me to see that she doesn't even think about things she said to me a month ago, much less 6 months ago. So slowly I'm beginning to let go of that need to know she's feeling remorse.
That's how I am. Thanks for asking.
lodo
You're welcome, Lodo.
Man, your wife and mine do sound like they share a lot of the same traits. Especially this:
Quote:
She's an incredibly smart woman, but horribly immature when it comes to her emotional life.
and this, that YOU said, I could really relate to:
Quote:
Am still trying to figure out how she feels, why she felt her actions over the past 8 months were the best course of action. Deep in my heart I believe the craziness of it all was due to OM - I can't see any other explanation for how she suddenly shut down and refused to work on things, even at those times when she was horribly conflicted about wanting to get back together.
When my wife was having her affair, I kept saying -- to her, to our adult daughters, to my in-laws and to my own parents: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU/SHE WANTS TO FLEE SO FAST -- what it is about this marriage that you/she finds SO horrible, that you/she has to run away from it as fast as you/she possibly can? I was like "Sure, we have had our challenges, and I'm not perfect, but if the best thing you can come up with (her complaints against me) are 'he spends too much time on his computer, and at those damned ballfields', then THAT is worth FLEEING from??? WTF????"
