Sorry, I must have misread. In that case, I would respond to her "OK, why don't I take him on Sunday, and you can go to the party, and then you can take him on Tuesday? I was going to meet (buddy) for a beer then, so that would work out good! (or whatever).
ok - that's what I'll do. Why do you think she keeps having these emotional conversations with me?
Because she's confused and she's used to you rescuing her from her confusion, and even her bad choices.
You need to learn to simply VALIDATE her ("I'm sorry to see you so confused," and "I'm sorry you're hurting," and "I can understand how confusing that must be"), but NOT rescue her from the consequences of her poor choices.
Basically, "I care for you, I understand and I'm sorry to see you hurting, but this is your mess and you're going to have to clean it up."
Detaching doesn't mean you can't have conversations with her, especially when she intiates.
It means you've reached a point where HER state doesn't cause YOU to get in to a state.
She continues to pull away in my book. Not wanting you to go to the party sounds like her not wanting you there, despite the excuse of your sons game. Still, I would not go and take son.
Don't push her away out of hurt, even though it's hard not to. Try to validate the feelings she expresses, but don't feel as though you have to agree with things that you feel are wrong. "I'm sorry you feel that way," is a good response to something she says that you don't think is right.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks Bill - I will stay home and take son. The only thing I just found out is that she also wants me to take S10 to a birthday party the same day. So she has filled my schedule. No problem - I'll enjoy the day with the boys.
I'm trying to get used to the fact that she just doesn't love me anymore. It is something that i never expected and am having a hard time coming to terms with. I'll survive though - thanks for the support.
Detaching is making me feel better.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Journal - Friday night I had practice for my S10's baseball team and then we went out for pizza with friends. My W went out to dinner with her prayer group. We both got home around 10:15pm. I stayed up in bed and she went and watched TV.
On Sat morning she had her meeting with her new therapist/psychologist - I had S10 game. She showed up at the game looking great and in a good mood. She got there around the 3rd inning and much to our delight she stayed for the rest of the game and hung out with some of our friends while there (these people are great). After the game she asked if we could all go have lunch together. We went to Nathan's as a family. About 3/4 of the way thru she asked if it was ok to go shopping. She went and bought some items to make a gift basket for her aunt and uncle's 40th anniversary. Much to my surprise she also bought a birthday card for my father (that was a bit of a shock!). I definitely noticed a change in her. I'm not sure if it is due to the therapy session or my detaching. She is acting like her old self more and more around me. It makes it easier because we can talk normally. I did not allow one R conversation all weekend and I did not ask about her therapy session. She brought it up once and I breezed over and didn't want to talk about it. Honestly, if it put her in a good mood, that's all I care about it. It makes life easier and more normal. I could use just a tad of normalcy right now.
Then late Saturday she asked if we could barbeque some chicken. I agreed and she went out and got some. We had a great time with the kids - I finished mowing the lawn and went for a quick swim. We cooked and ate and enjoyed some laughs with the kids. After dinner I took a shower. When I came out my neighbor arrived home - his mom had a bad day at the hospital so he was down. He talked and asked me to come over for a drink. My W followed. It was still early so I made sure the kids were ok. We went over and had a drink and were able to cheer him up. My W did not flirt at all. She also talked to me about an idea one of my friends had for her to start her own biz at the game. I thought it was an awesome idea. She asked me if I would help her with it.
When we went home my W brought up her aunt's party on Sunday - she said what time do you think we should leave?? Thinking that she didn't want me to go - I said you should be on the road by 9:30am to give yourself time. She said I thought we were all going?? I know I am in detachment mode - but I honestly wanted to go - not for my W, but for me. I really enjoy this side of her family and haven't seen them in quite some time. The forecast at home was also for rain all day (I'm not trying to make excuses). So i said ok. We agreed to go to 8am mass and then hit the road.
I am glad I went. We had a great drive up - absolutely zero R talk, but we talked the entire 2 hour ride up. It actually felt a lot shorter than that. We had each other laughing. We talked about the kids, my family, her family and a lot about our friends around the baseball team.
The party was great. I kept trying to give my W space and talk to family and just have fun and keep my mind off things. Everyone there knows what's going on so they must have thought we had some type of revelation because things seemed so normal. My W would come over and talk with me for a little bit and we made sure we had our eyes on the kids. When lunch came she asked me to sit with her and her aunt and cousins. I got off a great joke that made everyone laugh, especially my W. Seemed like old times again.
Right before we left her aunt made a comment about her weight saying she looks like she weighs 80 pounds - I knew that was a mistake. Anyway - we left and were enjoying another great drive home. My W was joking with me and the kids for well over an hour. It really was great until...her cell rings - neighbor's W on the line. She says that they are making Penne w vodka for everyone. My W almost on cue goes into the neighbor mode - almost a personality transformation right in front of all of us. She talks to them for 10 minutes and makes dinner plans without really asking us.
We get home and go over. Neighbor is making fun of us for having to go to the party and "waste" our day and gas money. I tell him it was worth every penny as we had fun and my W made a great gift for them. My W said the ride seemed a lot shorter than 2 hours. Sorry for the length - almost done---After dinner I offered to get ice cream for everyone. Neighbor came with me. When i came back his W asked if I could help fix something on their computer - it took me 5 minutes.
We decided to leave - when we get home the neighbor calls and says my W left her bracelet on their table so she goes back. When she leaves my S10 come over and says "daddy I'm worried about you" I asked why and he said when I went to get ice cream the neighbor's W was telling my W how her friend was able "to get all this money in her divorce" and she explained something to mommy. He said when i got back and was fixing their computer the neighbor was whispering something to mommy and she whispered back.
I told him not to worry and went back into detachment mode. My W came home and was normal again. She seemed to want to hang around me so i told her I was tired and was going to do some work and go to bed. She said ok and went down to watch TV. She came up around 2am and got in bed as has been the case the last week.
I am trying to figure this all out while detaching. When she was around just family this weekend - it was great. I felt her getting closer and closer to me. She even talked about plans for 4th of July and the rest of the summer. I resisted getting into any of that talk as i am so confused. The minute the neighbor's came into play, she really transformed. I am now convinced they are the sole problem. They are so miserable n their own life they just lay around waiting for us to be available and then smother us as soon as we are. The H actually was in bed until 3pm and then got up. I think he told the W to call us at 4pm. They hate being alone so that is why they constantly call and hang all over us. My W sees the free independent lifestyle and jumps. But now she is more like her old self (at least for this weekend) when they are not around. The family functions really seem to bring out her best.
My strategy is to continue to detach. It harder now though because some of the strangeness is lifting. I feel like our friendship is coming back. I made plans to take the boys to the Mets game tomorrow night. She already is trying to get the neighbor's to go to dinner. I am not going to worry about what they were saying to her behind my back (that's detaching, right?). She made an another appt with her therapist and told her father it went well. I really feel if we didn't have these neighbor's that things could be fixed. But if I try to move now - I am bringing the whole legal sep back into the picture. She didn't mention it the entire weekend - and i probably would have changed the subject anyway. She was talking about the future - vaca, her own biz. I just tried to validate. I think you guys would have approved. I am constantly thinking what you would be saying to me when I am in these sitch's.
Any advice??
Last edited by mulesqb; 06/23/0802:55 PM.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I know - but what do I do. I really don't think this is a romantic thing at all. She just sees two people with no responsibilities and for whatever reason that's what she wants. How do I handle it now??
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
The same way you should have handled it before, IMHO. Get her the hell out of there, and put ALL of your effort into trying to save your marriage, undisturbed by any destructive outside forces.
