'Girls love shoes' - sounds like my idea of heaven! My h has an accordion at home, although it sounds like someone’s strangling a cow when he played it! I don't miss that, well actually I do :-)I'm so pleased you are GALing.
It is so difficult isn't it because you had no contact for all that time and then finally he responded and you have seen him twice. It is really hard to strike a balance between keeping up the 'new you' and the need to see him - sort of striking while the iron is hot. I think you have to go on how he reacted to you. Do you think he made it clear that he may like to see you again? He would like to see you again? Or he was pretty cool/ complacent?
How would you normally nurture a friendship? I suppose logically if you met an old friend and were in the same area for a while then you would spend a fair amount of time seeing them. I suppose you have to just judge it on how his reactions to you have been. What you have been doing has worked so far... sorry I'm not much help, it's a difficult one!
J, yeah, the shoe store was actually a branch of this other organization called the Shoe Archive, which rents vintage shoes to movie costume designers?? Accordions are awesome! I just have a little baby one, like for kids.
The funny thing is that I am OK emotionally with the extremely slow pace of everything, because I am more accustomed now to having no contact than having contact. It is more intellectually that I wonder if I should be doing something different. I have no idea if he wants to see me again. His face lit up during dinner when I said I'd be in new york and he asked, "when???" And then at the end of that night when I said "It would be nice to see you again sometime" he just said, "yeah, maybe sometime", totally vague and non committal. So, completely conflicting messages. We had a great but short conversation after his show, which I think was probably very reassuring to him that I am not going to push any drama in his face. My feeling is that even if he is interested in seeing me again, he probably needs time to process what's happened in the past two weeks, and he might not be ready to come out of his cave before I leave NYC for this visit. That is OK! i guess!
Normally to nurture a friendship while visiting a city where I didn't live I would make myself very available and try to plan when I would see all my friends to maximize the hangout time. But I think that would be too pursuing! Sometimes it is like the "friendship" rules apply, other times it is like the "just started maybe dating" rules apply...???
thank you so much for your ideas, julia!! ((((JULIA)))) LOVE, T
I just saw you post before last, and I wanted to say that I don't think you should have done anything different during this visit. You were AMAZING! And I genuinely think that doing anything other than what you did would have come across as pursuing behaviour- given that this was the first time you were going to see B after 6 months, it was really the only way you could approach things. Don't analyse it too much. I think you were the best T you could be, which is exactly what you needed to be!
In terms of seeing him while you're still in NY, I think you should leave things for now. When you're re-establishing contact with the WAS, I think you need to treat it almost as a new dating relationship rather than an established friendship, the reason being that you are essentially starting again- it's a new friendship, a new relationship. So, you've mailed him and made yourself available to him. He's a little way away and it might be tricky to meet. I have every confidence that he WILL get back to you. But it might be that we have to work towards more meetings in July/August now. I'm going to write my mantra word now.....patience!!
T- you were magnificently lovely, as usual!! How can he resist?
I think you have handled all of this very well. Here's is what stikes me, and I think it is good. Since you are not married, in his mind he really doesn't "owe" you anything. And yet, it seems to me that he has given quite a bit, all things considered. I think there is a chance something could build from this. It's still going to be an uphill battle, and it is going to take a lot of time. Distance isn't going to help at all, since even if he wants to come closer to you emotionally, it will be hard. But now that you have your "foot in the door", you'll be able to make more regular email, text, or phone contact. Not too much, but some. And slowly, you'll be able to see where things are going. You will learn more about him, and more about yourself.
thank you guys sooo much for your encouraging words!!! OD, I can shift my focus to possible meetings in July/August.... Jeff, what you say is really interesting about him not owing me anything, but seeming to give me a lot. Hm..... The distance thing is an issue to be sure, but after Dec, when I am done with my degree, I can hypothetically relocate to wherever I want, and even living in Boston, which he visits regularly for work, would be WAY closer and more accessable than living in ATL.
I had a Flash of Insight yesterday about guidelines. Sometimes I can think of it as not an old friend, or a new date, but a *new friend*. Would I expect a completely new friend to want to see me under the circumstances that I think B might want to see me? Probably not. That is OK.
I feel kind of weird in NY right now. I am ready to not be living out of a suitcase anymore (having been on the move for the past 6 weeks), and in my own space and doing my own thing. and I feel like I am just sitting around on the off chance that B might a)contact me and b) want to meet in his remote location or something. *BUT*, when I was here 6 months ago, we weren't even speaking, and part of the reason I came to NYC then was just on the off chance we would RUN INTO each other and he didn't hate my guts!!! I think I need to FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES of what transpired in the past 10 days!!!
I love that you're focussing on the positives- there were SO MANY!!
I hope you had a fun day today. I'm not too sure I like the idea that you're sitting around waiting for B, but then I think that from what I've seen of how busy you are you're probably out speaking Balinese to a yoga-doing muffin-baking cellist!
thank you I did have a fun day today--yesterday I went to see my friend have a piece performed in this beautiful Chelsea art gallery, and then we went out to eat at the empire diner and had lentil burgers and "orgasmic" chocolate pudding (it really was quite amazing !!) Today I made muffins for my friend and then we went to yoga class. It was so nice to do yoga by her side. And the teacher asked me to demonstrate shoulder stand, and told me I had a really beautiful shoulder stand, and I felt really special I had no idea I had a good shoulder stand!!
Then my friend and I tried on lots of silly, glamourous hats, and did some shopping... she just went off to soundcheck for her concert tonight, so I went back and bought a super glamorous big black sunhat, and a green rhinestone barette, and an outrageous purple bracelet-cuff with all these weird flowers all over it!
I wore my new hat to the deli where I bought massive amounts of pickled garlic to take home to my momma, and all the deli men flirted with me
Tonight I go to my friend's band's concert, and then tomorrow maybe to the mermaid parade. Then Sunday i go home to my family, a week later I get back to Atlanta (finally)!!
I just realized that maybe it is hard to have this new contact and then instead of the pace continuing, it might get suspended, b/c of not being in the same place But maybe the universe is protecting us from being in the same place while we continue to work on our s&#*!!!
Oh... I think I figured out the friend I'm staying with's love language--Acts of Service. It was funny, b/c that is the lowest LL on my totem pole, but for some reason it was easier to find things to do for her (like getting her new shoelaces and a new shower curtain liner and picking up a burrito for her when she was freaking out about getting to her soundcheck on time).
thank you so much for all of your support, ladies. You are so amazing, so SOOOOooOOOO amazing! I wish we could all wear glamorous hats together, on the beach!!!
Wow, your hat sounds amazing! And you sound super happy these days, it makes my head whirl to hear all that you've been up to, so I am glad to hear it. Come and join facebook (I am also slow with new stuff like this and only just joined, despite being a web developer in a previous life!!!!) it would be great to see you there..you too Lisa!
I hope you hear from him when he gets back from camp and somehow, I think that you will...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I wish I could show you my hat!! it is like 234 hats in one! Facebook is slowly percolating... I don't even know how to upload photos to my computer though, I am so technologically helpless That would be a HUGE 180 for me though!! It is probably only a matter of time before my urge to learn what everyone actually looks like overwhelms my hesitancy to join the facebook revolution!!
I hope I don't have to wait until August to hear from him again! I haven't seen him online -- this is like the ONLY spying I do, sometimes I check in gmail to see if he is online -- since before he left for camp. I am almost wondering if he got the dates mixed up, and left on tues when the camp actually started (instead of wed, the day he told me he was going) and doesn't have email and didn't get my message yet?
How long should I wait before contacting him again? I think at least a week, maybe a month, I dunno. I am trying to think of a suave way to let him know that I am interested in seeing him next time I'm in NYC. Maybe I could pretend that I'll definitely be in NYC in early august and then if he won't be around, just not go to NYC. Of course this will involve waiting for him to contact me and then allowing some time to pass before bringing up the possibility of another meeting... which means I will probalby have to make a plan and buy plane tickets regardless of what his plans are. aich!!!
Today I went out to Coney Island to see the detrius of the famous mermaid parade. there were lots of people in insane costumes, incl. one woman dressed as a seahorse on stilts, wearing I think only ribbons strategically wrapped around her body (*maybe* there was like a thong under there or something). It was weird though, surrounded by this surging mass of humanity, I felt so, so so lonely... on the subway ride home I thought, I really want someone to promise *to try* to love me forever... and I just have this yearning for my B, maybe I am just hormonal or ovulating or something, or bottled up feelings are getting uncorked b/c I actually got to see him.
Anyway, thank you for posting to me Ali, you are so wonderful
LOVE, TRANSFORMER
PS happy solstice!! does the solstice have any special astrological impact on us???
I did have a fun day today--yesterday I went to see my friend have a piece performed in this beautiful Chelsea art gallery, and then we went out to eat at the empire diner and had lentil burgers and "orgasmic" chocolate pudding (it really was quite amazing !!) Today I made muffins for my friend and then we went to yoga class. It was so nice to do yoga by her side. And the teacher asked me to demonstrate shoulder stand, and told me I had a really beautiful shoulder stand, and I felt really special 
But maybe the universe is protecting us from being in the same place while we continue to work on our s&#*!!!