Hi Guys,

Here's some journalling on a topic inspired by Sage and Jethro....

Something that came up on Jethro’s thread really hit home for me. The issue of hanging on to the pain, or in my case not saying “I forgive you”…. of asking ourselves (thanks Sage and Dr. Phil) …what am I getting out of this????

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for the past few days about the fact that I’ve not yet overtly forgiven CJ. I have not looked him in the eye and said those words.

Nor, has he ever asked me, outright, “Will you forgive me?”

So part of me, I think is waiting for that…for him to ask me for forgiveness. I asked him to forgive me for my hurtful past behaviours, on several occasions and he said he “could” forgive me, but has never actually said he forgives me those crimes of sarcasm, control, making him feel small…

What came up in my meditation was this: What WOULD I say if he asked me for forgiveness???? I’d like to be able to say “I’ve already forgiven you, months ago, but if it means something to you for me to say it, I DO forgive you…(tears well up and trace tracks down my cheeks.). Big hug, cleansing hug, forgiving hug.

BUT…I haven’t done this. I’m starting to think that forgiveness, for me, may come in bits and pieces. Maybe this is totally against the whole idea of forgiveness, but for example.

I feel like I can (have) forgive CJ for the chat lines, for getting involved, even (egads) for having the Affairs. But what still hurts and baffles me are the incredible lies he told…I really wish I had my first thread where I listed some of them. He’s yet to explain to my satisfaction how he could have done such ludicrous and hurtful things.

He was also very hurtful towards me after the first two bombs, and has not, to my satisfaction, expressed remorse or really even acknowledged this.

Strangely, I think I forgive him (or is it just that I kind of understand WHY he did SOME of what he did leading up to bomb 3) for staying in contact with her after we were apparently making progress in MC., and I was under the delusion that she was “in the past”. I can see how he could be manipulated in that fashion. It’s not attractive. I wish he’d stood up to her much earlier, told me about it and took his own chances, rather than wait for her to drop the bomb on me. Can I forgive him for human weakness, fear…yes.

So maybe the time for ME to say “I forgive you” is when I feel at peace with all of these things (and many more that will come to me later, no doubt)

OR should I tackle them one at a time and let CJ in on how I’m progressing??? What do you all think? Am I just nuts?

Nearly 2 a.m., time to sleep...nighty night all, sweet dreams

Shiny