Shines Like Destruction (10)

[Gypsy]

Peter..

If you feel yourself getting messed up...
Walk over to her
And throw up.

That would be one way of getting things out.

*smiles her 'I'm a helpful lil angel' grin*

I think most everyone who says they have detached are really trying to convince themselves. I don't think anyone who has feelings strong enough to stay and fight for their marriage, and ends up on the DB boards is going to be able to separate their feelings from their spouse like that any time soon. It is a long process.

You're right about detachment. In my case it's more like unstuckment. My thoughts, my feelings were all glued to spouse's reaction in one way or another. Almost all of my actions filtered through how I thought he might perceive me. Doy, the guy is gone, no need to keep filtering .. voila.. now it's find the freedom time. Hmmm.. perhaps a goal should be filter free!

Not Hallelujah, I'm free at last!

Just.. the structure I hung myself on is gone.. Gotta stand up, see what my feet and legs feel like and move ahead.

*hugs*

You have an unwitting gift.

*hugs*

[gForce]

Getting rid of the filter. I like it.

Well, I'm here at work and it turns out she won't be around here after all. I'm relieved but disappointed at the same time.

[girlfromipanema]

What up, g? (This is to be read in "street" talk - got it?)

I liked your post about detachment. I feel I've done a good job of detaching for the most part. For me it became a necessity, since all 3 of us work together. My husband and the EA OW interact daily; I hear him joking with her and she responds with giddy laughter. I wouldn't be able to survive in this atmosphere if I constantly dwelled on what I see and hear. I'm in survival mode. But I still crumble from time to time.

It would be so awesome if you could make yourself vomit on demand.

xo,

[rop]

I think detachment, with caring, it is possible, but it is very hard work and need some focus switching.
Recently I think I have been able to detach enough to see things under a different light.
Detachment, for me, means that I am not going to be totally influenced by the moods or indecision of my W. If she calls me crying I don't start thinking that maybe she wants back, and if she asks me to keep the kids for the night I don't think she is gone forever. There are few facts to consider, and the main one is that I don't know what is going on with W and OM, they could be happy or they could be fighting everyday. I don't know what are the internal mental processes she has about our R and D, she maybe done, like she is saying, or in doubt.... We really don't know what is in our W mind. So.... for now what she says or does, doesn't matter at all, I am not going to be sucked in her dramas. The only goal I have is to be happy, look good, and mess up with her mind, meaning, give mixed messages, don't let her figure out what I am thinking, put her down when she is confident and rescue her when she is not. Be funny and cocky when I see her. But everything needs to be done like in a game, where if I win, good, and if I loose, good anyway.... it was fun.

gForce you accepted a job in a different State, that is a big statement. If she wants, would she be able to follow you?... I mean no family constrictions, or a job too good to leave?

[gForce]

Different points of view are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to post them. rop, I don't think I've seen you here before, so hello!

W has no reason that she CAN'T follow me, but she has said in the past she wouldn't consider moving from this area because of family ties, she feels rooted here, SD8 has her father and that side of the family here. But ultimately it is a matter of WANT.

She forwarded another email to me from a mutual friend, no comment, no addition, not a word. But I happened to be online when she sent it, so I called her. She actually picked up (I was a little surprised) but she sounded terrible, kind of on the verge of tears the whole time. We actually ended up talking for about a half hour. It was nice to be able to get caught up but I felt bad for how awful she sounded. She said she contacted a C, and may actually have an appointment next week. She asked about when the house was going up for sale and when I might move.

I'm not looking for baby steps. There was no desire for R talk. No filtering (thanks gypsy). But I don't think I will never care about how she feels or how she is doing. So maybe detachment is a while off yet.

[JenInVen]

Detachment isn't not caring about her G. This is a poem that I had posted on one of my threads. I also gave it to my H. He refers to it often when we talk...

``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

[gForce]

Thank you, jen

[girlfromipanema]

PgFH,

As I see it, I'm pretty sure you have detached. What is your definition of "detachment"?

I'm sad for your wife. She's making such a huge mistake and she's obviously very confused.

[Kalni]

Hey g,

you are hitting a low. Protect yourself and recognise it. You see how milder it is this time, trust it will last less as well... You are right about detachment. Acceptance for me is a biggie. I feel when I will accept 100% he is gone, no "whys" "buts" "ifs" I ll be OK. People lose loved ones that never intented to leave them and still make it. They don't get a choice, we don't either... (It's all about choices and not having any...).
K

I sound crazy, don't I?

[gForce]

As I see it, I'm pretty sure you have detached. What is your definition of "detachment"?

I'm sad for your wife. She's making such a huge mistake and she's obviously very confused.

I would define detachment as not allowing W to be the sole determinant of my emotional state, and not letting W's reaction be the primary focus of my actions.

gfi, I am sad for her too. I am not an easy man to live with. I tend to become emotionally withdrawn, I don't deal with conflict well, I don't always communicate openly -- the list goes on. But I do think she is making a huge mistake, and I don't think she is thinking clearly. Call it being resolute, firm boundaries, lines on the sand... or call it impatience, weakness, lack of commitment. Six months is not as long as many of you have been fighting, but she persists in actions that are deal breakers for me and I have nothing left.