No, I got to work around 12:30 today and worked "hard" to be able to leave early. Now I am waiting for my kids to go to sleep before I get to spend some time here. And of course I will need your advice later too. K
I was thinking...if its so important to her to not be a SAHM anymore and to have a career and all that... could it be to give her what she wants? Talk to her about how she could manage a full-time job? When my BF was unhappy in his job back in 2002, I found a great Masters course and offered to support him whilst he gave up work to change his career...and he did and he was always very grateful (and this is how he repays me!!)
But could you leave work early every day to be there for S10 and S13 to take the pressure off her? Or pay for a childminder for an hour after school? I just wondered if you can acknoweldge and validate her need to work by making it possible for her to work full time and not just have to do a few shifts a week, treat it as a joint problem, not just hers?
You probably have done this already, so if so, ignore me!
ALi xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((Jeff))) just catching up on your thread, sorry its been a few rough days.
Speaking from a woman's standpoint, I was in a similar situation with my XH. I felt like he had controlled everything for so long, and he went away for a year to Korea. The year of freedom...it taught me so much that by the time he got back I was a different person.
Im not hijacking, promise, but this may give you a little insight to your sitch.
I gained independence, and XH didn't like that. He was used to the way things were, and did not see a need for change. Of course, I didn't want to take any blame, so I blamed it all on him.
Eventually we split, but we did try, IC, MC, all. Once we were divorced, we both admitted we had done things wrong.
You are doing great. Your W maybe just needs time to feel independent. But the thing is none of us want to think we did anything wrong. Come on...we are all perfect, right???
Lol, but right now, I suspect she is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, and it is easier for her to handle it by blaming it all on you. Remember, its not your fault. Its not her fault. It is just a set of circumstances right now that you are both trying to work through, in your own ways.
Keep your chin up Sweets. You are doing fabulous!!!
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
What she is doing now IS a full time job! It's just not 9-5, 5 days a week. It's usually 3 12.5 (sometimes longer) hour shifts during the week, sometimes 4. For the past few months there has been a lot of training, as well, so sometimes, it's two shifts, and two days of class, or something like that.
When the kids are in school, she usually has two or three days during the week that are completely kidless, from 7:15 until 2:30 or so. So, it seems that her new career gives her a lot of benefits, though the 12 hour shifts are hard. But that's the way of nursing these days.
Lola, I know I am far from perfect. Though the more I think, and explore, the more I see that my imperfections have been vastly overstated in order to make everything my fault. It is her nature, at this point. I REALLY think she needs to see a C, whether she stays married to me or not, I think she has some issues, and I don't even begin to understand them. I used to think it was all my fault, but I am learning that it really isn't. She projects all of her unhappiness on me.
My C today said something interesting. She asked if W could be the one depressed! I didn't have a good answer for that. I really don't think so, but it was interesting. We talked about how W has blamed me for every decision that I thought was joint that she has later wanted to disagree with, her being a SAHM, which house we bought, whether we moved or not, etc. W says I didn't listen to her, and more or less railroaded her. I was thinking about it, and realized that I don't have a railroading (other than modeling) type of personality (the C agreed). There is no way that happened! No matter what her rewriting of history says, that's not what happened! They WERE joint decisions! She did agree, at the time. If she had second thoughts later (like more than 15 years later, in the SAHM case), it's not fair to blame that on me, and I don't need to take that blame!
The other thing we talked about was my idea of just asking if she ever sees herself wanting to work on the M. I realized that there isn't a lot of risk in the question. If she says no, I haven't lost anything that I don't have anyway. And, at that point, I can choose whether to continue living as I am, or planning something else. If she says yes, I don't have to change anything right away, just ask what she means, and arrange to talk about it again in a few months. I think I may do this sooner than later. I need to be unstuck.
I like the idea of asking W if she wants to work on things, as long as you can do it with no expectations and are prepared for her answer (at this stage I'm assuming she will be negative as I can't really see her being positive about anything).
She's been working for quite a long time now, hasn't she. And I don't think that wanting to be independent explains all of her behaviour- it seems to me that there's more going on than just that, and I agree that she needs to see a C, although I'll be darned if I can think of a way to get her to do it!!
I think there are two reasonable possibilities: 1. She says no. Which isn't a total disaster. Realistically, it doesn't change anything, unless I decide to change it. Like for instance, jumping on a plane to England! I can then choose when or how I want to act.
2. She says yes, but doesn't know when or what. (And probably no real intention of doing anything.) Again, it isn't a disaster, I can say we'll talk again in three months, and keep doing what I am doing. No hard deadline, but also the realization that what is going on can't continue forever.
She's been working since September. So, in one sense it is a long time, in another, not so much. I agree, wanting to be independent does not explain everything. It's just part of the puzzle. And I'm not really trying to solve that puzzle anymore, it isn't mine to solve.
Originally Posted By: One Day
and I agree that she needs to see a C, although I'll be darned if I can think of a way to get her to do it!!
