To all my cyber friends - Thank you sooooo much for your opinion. I won't contact OW - she's not worth my time and energy.
I'm feeling really down again. I found out that H has contacted OW a few times since he's been back. Yes, I'll admit I snooped but I want to know what's going on. He emailed her even last week wanting to see if they can make things work. She's the one telling him that it's over. In his last email, he tells her that it wasn't just a fling for him, that he thought it was real, he wants to talk in person, wants to continue to confide in her, etc. I'm sickened by it. Here he is telling me that he knew in his heart that things wouldn't work with her, that she's very high maintenance, poor character, not a step mother figure, even called her a slut and then he still wants a R with her. When I notice the dates of contact, it's after we've had R talks, seeking reasons for what happened and I've reaffirmed that I'm still moving with S. I've been able to act as if and we had a good evening last night. He's been very warm, seeking physical affection, but I realize he's still lying to me.
Again, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I just don't know what to do.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Addie,Im in the same position as you would love to call OM just to get it off my chest,but i really think she would become totaly defensive.Which would just mess things up!Just pusher her closer thinking im attacking him!
Just my thoughts-Mike
Me:42 W:41 Married 22 seperated12-31-07,served papers 2-29-08 S21-S20 partialy disabled S17 Divorce sighed 10-7-08 final 90 days after
I'm so sorry to hear about the set back. I don't know what to tell you to do.
I know some people would tell you not to snoop, but I don't blame you & I would do the same thing. That's just my opinion. But he has lied to you before & you have to see what is going on & if he is telling you the truth. He has to prove himself before you can fully trust him.
Maybe you should ask him up front if he is still in contact with OW. If he says no, maybe confront him. I'm not sure about that don't take my advice, I'm still very new at this.
What do all of you out there think???
Addie, I'm still praying for you! Hang in there. Take a deep breath. We are here for you!!!
Mike, thanks for stopping by. The only reason I was considering contacting OW is because H wanted me to tell her off for what happened. As some posters pointed out, he wants ME to punish her but I'm not about to waste my time. Mike, I would not recommend you contact OM. I contacted OW right at the beginning and it pushed H right into her arms. It resolved nothing.
The other Q I have is - Why would H want me to "get revenge with OW" when he's still trying to see if there's a chance with her. He asked me this just a couple of nights ago but it makes no sense to me.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thanks Nlt! If I confront H then he'll know for sure that I got into his emails again and that backfired big time at the beginning of my sitch. I'm going to TRY to do nothing right now. H has been very warm lately. I'm still so confused. I don't know what to make of it all. The only thing I can think of is that he knows I'm moving away so he's trying to see if there's still a chance with OW. So much for commitment to our M and "trying to prove himself to me".
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Just ask him if he has contacted her lately. Don't accuse. If he says no then say that is good and walk away. You will then know that he is lying and where you stand. No confrontation about emails or snooping. Just knowledge. Confrontation will probably just cause anger and more secrecy. Im sorry but it looks like he is cake eating and you are the fall back plan right now. He should be trying to earn your trust not get back with OM. If he lies then just keep on going with the move and stop the physical contact....
Im sorry but it looks like he is cake eating and you are the fall back plan right now. He should be trying to earn your trust not get back with OM. If he lies then just keep on going with the move and stop the physical contact....
Thanks for your thoughts Eagle! I have been feeling like the fall back plan. However, when I think about it carefully, it may be the other way around and he's using OW as the fall back plan. What I noticed about his contact with her, it occurred right after I brought up R talks, the fact that issues need to be addressed, and reaffirmation that I'm still moving with S. H is not ready to deal with his issues so he's trying to run away from reality again with OW. I may be rationalizing his behaviour.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
The simple fact is that he is still lying about the OW. Until he starts respecting you and your M by telling the truth then you will never know where you stand. I know that it sucks but I am worried that he is going to hurt you again.
If I get a D (99.99% likely right now) the top three qualities that I will look for in my next relationship are
1. Honesty 2. Honesty 3. Honesty
The other stuff will be down the list. In my book it is all about respect.
