The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

Tipper, I was just posting another note to you when I saw your reply, so I'm doing some editing. My last post sounded kindof negative b/c I was feeling vulnerable, and have been feeling this way on and off since H started spending the night at the house. But I guess that's normal.

I have told my H what I dont agree with (him being at the bars all the time still), and he says he is trying to work on it and stay away from them more,but he always comes up with some excuse to go there anyway. I wish he wanted to be more invested in us, than his own selfish self medicating.

I hate how selfishly your H is acting and I know how much it hurts to stand by & watch. I wonder if the more they know we are standing by waiting for them, the more they think they can just keep doing what they are doing, kindof like spoiled children pushing parents to see where the line will be drawn. But you know, I had carried around my ultimatum letter since Jan/08. I never gave it to him b/c each time I was about to, he seemed to come around and make me feel like we were going to be okay. My ultimatum letter had undergone several rewrites b/w Jan and June. But I must have known all along that I was eventually going to have to give it to him, I just needed to be sure in my heart that I would follow through if H chose not to give up OW.

Anyway, I really need to wrap my head around piecing since I've been in survival mode for so long. It's kindof like a dance that neither of us knows the steps to - we can hear the music off in the distance and we want to join in, but we are both afraid of getting stepped on. But my coach said something to me that made me realize that I have to keep trying. She said that H is the one w/ the most to lose right now, and if I don't believe in him this last time and he's being honest this time, then I lose too. If I'm wrong and he is lying again, I simply walk away and live my own life. I need to be able to say to myself, and to my D in years to come, that I did EVERYTHING I could, and if that's not enough, then I know it's not about me.

H and I have begun to settle back into a family routine again. H has been picking D up from school or daycare, coming home, we fix supper, then eat all together, play for a bit, walk the dog, one reads stories & does tuck-in while the other does dishes & makes lunches. Then after D is in bed, H & I talk or watch TV for a bit then go to bed. It's quite strange b/c for the past year I've been living as a single mom, doing it all myself, and at the end of the day going to bed alone, living my own life w/ H only on the periphery. It felt empty, unfinished, incomplete. Now, w/ H around most of the time, the house feels completely different - my D smiles & laughs more, the dog is calmer, better behaved, the house feels warmer, brighter, fuller.

Of course, it is difficult to block out thoughts of OW and the past two years, and that I thought we were piecing before, but he was still in his A. I know I will feel 1,000% better once I see his notice letter (so I know he's actually moving home - OW would never stand for H moving back into the house) and especially once we meet w/ OW. We do talk a bit about R every day, but not too much and not for long. I'm trying to contain our R talks so they don't overwhelm either of us - I have to remind myself that we can't fix this overnight, so no marathon sessions.

Tonight we have a date. We haven't figured out what we'll do yet, but the sitter is booked and it looks like it will be a lovely evening

FA