Hi Shiny, I have just read your thread (I am new here, just moved over from newcomers). Sounds like you are doing a great job, I really like the idea of thinking three positive things at the end of each day.
I am really not sure about this gender thing and high/low libido. I know a LOT of women (inc myself) who are in the same boat. And I don't think it's just an age thing either. I certainly don't remember us complaining when we were in our 20s and the guys wanted it all the time
I just wonder whether deep down they find it controlling?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I never thought of the control thing in this regards...I used to take it as a passive aggressive thing: you know THEY know it's what we want and need but if they "can't" or "don't feel like it" it's a "safer" way of expressing their anger about our controlingness in other areas.
Well things continue to go well here. Realized I posted all over last night, except here!
Had a bit of a tiff yesterday about the $ for my niece and nephew's grad gifts. I took some of CJ's comments to mean he didn't approve of the amount, but he just wanted to ensure the amount was recorded for our financial record keeping. No biggie, sorted out .
Had a lovely afternoon at my Sis's place, then today I took Mom out for her Mother's day lunch (just a little late ). It was a nice afternoon.
Came home, CJ'd done some of the cleaning. I chose to enter the jungle instead of cleaning as the forecast is for thundershowers here tomorrow. I LOVE thunder showers.
Cj's off to watch his niece play baseball, I thought I'd catch up on phone calls but my buddy H isn't home...so here I am .
Sorry to use your thread for question but figured you might see it here first!
We did 3:30 in the morning talking. He read and re-read the two posts you have made to him. He even considered using my name and making a post to ask some questions. But you, Sage and Calystra's are the three main threads he read. He only read your current one and Sage's last one and her current one.
What I would like to ask is HUGE favor. He seems to respect your opinion! Would you consider either you or possibly your H e-mailing him and letting him ask some questions? I am pretty sure it is about how he is feeling. He expects to already right away feel the love and not hurting anymore feeling. He said why don't I feel like Shiny or Sage or Ellies H's.
Here is my e-mail address if you want to contact me. I don't feel can post his without permission. PSLuke@aol.com
Thank you so much for all your help and advice. ESPECIALLY the posts to David! I had no idea they would mean so much to him!!!!!!! I can't tell you how many times he re-read them last night.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quoting psluke: He expects to already right away feel the love and not hurting anymore feeling. He said why don't I feel like Shiny or Sage or Ellies H's.
Hmmm...Pam, is the dilemma that your h. has been reading our recent threads but not the early ones? The ones WAY back (least that's the way it feels) -- 6+ months ago for me -- that show what a long road this has been? There was plenty of angst and "as if" and "I don't want this anymore" stuff then (hell, there still IS for me! I'm surprised that didn't scare him away! )
anyway -- it's great to show him that things can get to this point...maybe it's time to show him what it took to get here to Piecing?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sounds like he's being somewhat unrealistic. In the early part of my separation from my H, he was convinced that we shoudn't go to MC yet and felt there was little hope of reconciling as long as he still felt shame and guilt and I still felt pain and anger.
MC helped him see that this healing will be a process and probably a lifelong process. She told him that shame and guilt were there for good reason--don't try to shove those feelings away because they are the natural result of bad behaviour and betraying your partner and family.
H would love it if he never had to deal with my pain and anger ever again, but as everyone of us testify to, the healing takes time and all that stuff comes up in waves, similar to if you are mourning a spouse who died. Something will remind us or something upsets the PMA applecart and there we go again fighting the downward spiral, paranoia, and massive insecurity.
Even under the best of circumstances, if both spouses are on the same page most of the time and working hard to rebuild their marraige--this process takes time, doesn't it?
I just made a long post to Pam and David on Pam's thread. Check it out, see if you can add anything.
I have to agree, Pam, if your H saw some of my early threads....OY!!! The doubts, the confusion, the excruciating backwards and forwards....we don't call it "Limbo" for nothing!
Was it hard? Did we all wonder at times if it was WORTH it? Yes. But was it WORTH it? ABSOLUTELY.
Look David, I really wasn't sure if our M had a chance until relatively recently. CJ sure wasn't certain either.
But I KNEW for my own future happiness (with or without CJ) I HAD to do everything in my power to try to work things out. I had to KNOW that if we divorced it was absolutely the right thing to do for both of us. I couldnt' bear the thought that "if only" we'd tried XY or Z our lives wouldn't have been ripped apart, that we COULD have had the M I imagined when we first got together.
2) CJ came into the bed before I got up and let me warm his cold feet (he gets up way before me)
3) CJ suggested that instead of me cleaning the rest of the house (he did a bunch yesterday) on my "week off" work, we should go out to lunch and then visit some art galleries (I thanked him for his thoughtfulness and told him what a great afternoon it was)
4) We did, and bought a fabulous painted tile for the "blue corner" of our living room. (While I was posting to Pam, CJ said..."Do you trust me to hang it right"... I said "Absolutley!" ...trust me, the old shiny would have been in there like a dirty shirt...It looks GREAT!)
4) It feels REALLY good to be helping out Pam and David...I'm so greatful that CJ and I are moving past those early heartwrenching times
5) There are more thunderstorms predicted for tonight!
Yah, Yah, I know it's only supposed to be three, but what can you do when it's a good day???
It sounds like an awesome place to be. Seems like a very wonderful day you had today! Hope you get the thunderstorms tonight. I am tired of rain here. Like to hear them at night but gee it is getting old right now.
Not posting much tonight. David is doing some reading.
Thanks a bunch.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
). It was a nice afternoon.
)