Yea I know I shouldn't have went and talked to her.
Yes, you know what to do.
Quote:
But wasn't to see her or get all needy/grabby. I wanted to know where she was at with things. I felt like I needed to know this so I could move on with the things I need to do.
Rationalize, rationalize, rationalize. My H does that to justify his affair, but it's not the truth, just a bunch of bs. Sorry, but that's how it looks to me. I think you know what you should do, but you are making excuses for why you aren't doing it. Karen
Yea I know I shouldn't have went and talked to her.
Yes, you know what to do.
Quote:
But wasn't to see her or get all needy/grabby. I wanted to know where she was at with things. I felt like I needed to know this so I could move on with the things I need to do.
Rationalize, rationalize, rationalize. My H does that to justify his affair, but it's not the truth, just a bunch of bs. Sorry, but that's how it looks to me. I think you know what you should do, but you are making excuses for why you aren't doing it. Karen
Yep. And the harshness of my 2x4 isn't just over this one incident, it's been Lynn's SOP since his first post -- to rationalize his wife's immoral behavior and even look for the board's approval for him to take the less painful road.
Lynn, look, we KNOW it's damned hard -- WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE (or some are there now). Why won't you listen -- and use -- the advice of people who are FAR less clouded by the intense pain and confusion and fog that you are right now???
First of all, you're not asking her to do ANYTHING right now other than end her affair. Once she agrees to that, a good MC -- and probably an IC for her (and you) as well can help you sort thru the next steps, and we can help too.
In her mind she has ended it. Am I just supposed to say that until you are willing to sever ALL contacts I'm not willing to be you're friend? Her comment is that she did that last time and it hurt for over two years. She want to do it slower this time and her C agrees (I can't win for losing).
She's not ready to work on our M at all right now so MC is out. She's trying to find herself. She's still not sure she even wants to be with me, I think this is her testing me out maybe? "We have to be friends before we can rebuild a marriage".
She is very confused, and while the EA has played into that I really think that a MLC is factoring in here too. Is it the same technique for MLC DBing?
So I guess I am unclear on the next steps besides GAL and LRT.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/20/0803:46 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
I'm sorry. You're right I'm not listening. I'm just guessing that once I say I'm out she is going to say fine, bye. Fear is a powerful motivator.
So what do I do. No contact today. Saturday tell her that I've given it some thought and while I want to be friends with you and progress toward rebuilding our marriage I can't do that until you sever all ties with him? Even wondering how he's doing or checking in on him will still cloud your mind and hurt our friendship." Then back way off.
I was much better on that mountain. I'm wondering if I should just get away from it all for a week?
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/20/0804:15 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
So I'm sure you're all done with me and I deserve it for talking the wrong paths I guess. But I'll at least keep posting here as a journal for what not to do. Plus I do have an update.
I was preparing my email in which I was going to say that it has to be NO CONTACT or nothing when she asks if we can talk. She wants me to move back in. She says she needs help with the kids and having me there more will help that. I'll just sleep on the couch and we'll retain the "friends" relationship. This doesn't make any sense to me. Logistically if we keep the same schedule with the kids the only difference is I don't have to drive home after putting them to bed and I'll see them for an hour in the morning before work. I told her I would think about it.
My thoughts are that this is a bad idea. We shouldn't move back in together until we both are in a better place and our relationship is more than a "friend" stage. But my thoughts are always wrong these days anyway.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/20/0810:02 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Hi Lynn, I don't know your sitch very well, but my W missed me and decided to move back in. Two key things - she wouldn't make time to put energy into R and she wouldn't stop seeing OM. It barely lasted 2 weeks.
I don't think people are done with you, keep posting. However, you can expect some level of frustration when you are given excellent advice by people who are in a position to, and then you ignore it. Try asking directions from a person a few times and keep turning left instead of right. Bet they get a little pissy too.
Now, I will say I have not dealt with a cheating wife before, but you need to remember you are dealing with a breach of trust and not just a relationship problem. I am going to be blunt here. She screwed your friend and lied to your face about it. Why would her character suddenly change? A complete severing of ties comes with VERIFIABLE by you no contact. Remember, trust is earned, not given.
If you move back in and take the load off, you have again proven yourself weak and manipulable as well as removing incentive for her to make real changes. Again, why would you even want to be friends with somebody who cheated on you? Marriage overides a lot, but she has to EARN the relationship back!
Thanks guys. My thought is to talk it over with her and then say that I still need to think about it. I'm not moving back in for at least another week while I think about it. I want to talk to my IC first anyway to get his thoughts.
Plus if I do agree to moving back in she has to agree to start working on our R. At least go to MC or something that shows she wants to progress. I don't care if we focus on friendship or I sleep on the couch, but we have to have some direction. Otherwise where we're at now is better. I will also add that no contact/full transparency has to be done as well. If she doesn't like it then I detach and wait. It's her call.
I'm tired of feeling like a lap dog.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/20/0811:25 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
We had a long chat tonight. It did feel nice to talk things out for a change. She broke it off with the OM..or he broke it off, I'm not really sure about this one exactly. Either way I told her if it's not over I can't be your friend or have any deep talks with you, etc.
We talked about moving back in together. Sounds nice, but I think it's too early. She is still uncertain she wants to work it out with me. Not sure if that is the "addiction" talking or she really thinks we can't improve things or what. I have no doubt we can make it work, granted it will be a hard road, but not impossible.
I left her tonight and while I could tell she wanted me to stay I'm not ready for that step until she is ready to work it out with me. She has to decide if she want me and until she does I'm going to distance myself so she can decide.
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Well I guess this saga is taking on a new chapter now. She is done with the OM, but also done with me. She wants a full seperation so she can work on herself. I'm moving the post over to here since it's more appropriate now. Thanks for everyone who helped me here, sorry I was such a pain in the a**.
