Yea I know I shouldn't have went and talked to her. But wasn't to see her or get all needy/grabby. I wanted to know where she was at with things. I felt like I needed to know this so I could move on with the things I need to do.
And you couldn't wait 40 hours?? She asked you to "jump" and you essentially said "how high?" -- she got the response out of you she wanted, and took the power RIGHT back.
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I'm not sure she's severed ties.
I can assure you, she hasn't.
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Maybe in a week or so she's right back to him. If she is then I sever ties again.
Lynn, this isn't a game of "I'll sever ties every time she talks to him." She needs to know that DEMONSTRABLE (provable) no-contact is your precondition for working on your marriage, and that without it, you are pulling way, way back and considering your options, including legal.
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Because of where she is at in her life she's not ready to deal with our marriage at all. I don't know how I can ask her to take steps in this direction when she specifically said she doesn't want to. What do I say "I can't be your friend until you want to date me"? That doesn't make any sense.
First of all, you're not asking her to do ANYTHING right now other than end her affair. Once she agrees to that, a good MC -- and probably an IC for her (and you) as well can help you sort thru the next steps, and we can help too.
You don't need to SAY, ANYTHING about your friendship. You just ACT, by pulling way back and no longer meeting her emotional need to have Lynn be her best friend and confidant. I know it hurts, but the reality is, as long as she can get some of her emotional and financial needs met by YOU, and then some of her other emotional and physical needs met by her BOYFRIEND, that she will never make a choice, and she will continue to cake-eat, and you will continue to be miserable.
Finally, you said "this doesn't make sense." Nothing ABOUT this is going to make sense to you, Lynn -- you'll find that it's the most counter-intuitive thing you've ever experienced in your life. So until you start listening to those of us who have actually gone THRU it (I don't care if it's me or someone else, I really don't), and do a better job of trying what we're advocating, you're never going to succeed at this.
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It's her journey and she has to make those decision.
Yes, she does. But there are proven strategies and techniques that you can employ to greatly increase your chances of success, and to help her make the right choice. So far, you're not listening to them.
