all I can say shiny is still expect nothing...I've heard it time and time again...tommorow night...only to be left alone the next night too...
it's funny (ok it's not funny it's ironic) that you had such a conversation about this with cj last night...I had a similar conversation with my h...
he was going up to bed I was staying up to read..we had our conversation about getting son to bed on time...then a hug goodnight and then I said whatever I said that said how bout some lovin...h said as usual....not tonight I'm beat...I responded with you don't have to actually be able to you just have to want to...I think that's really all I want...h said...I do want to...I'm just to tired to...and there ya have it.
how long will h's tired spell last?? I don't know! at least I know it is not some by product of the sit...crap he's been this way since roughly the begining...
but just as you have realized shiny...it could be worse...we could have men who can't keep their hands off us but are seriously lacking in other areas that will be more important in the long run.
still stinks...wish we could change it a bit...
I have discoverd though that though most men would love to have their woman decide to just walk over and straddle them..it's not to pleasing as a form of inititation for my h...I have been able to persuade him into an encounter simply by gently stroking his arms and chest wandering but not invading any area that would be blatant...then he's surprises himself. and if it doesn't work in my favor well I don't feel as rejected.
Wow Shiny cool about the student admitting that no fault of yours!
It sounds like other than the lovin' department things are GREAT with you and CJ!
I haven't read Michelle's, The Sex Starved Marriage but I have heard it recommended. Wondering if it would be of any help for you and CJ.
I know my H isn't too interested anymore but I'm sure that has lots to do with thoughts in his head of our sitch. Even now that things are better he will sometimes play but isn't always up for anything more. He feels a part of that is the stress that he has felt for so long. I hope that is all it is and that takes care of itself soon!
INTERESTING book that I gave my H the other day is 101 Nights of Great Sex! Puts some mystery back into things. I don't know if you have seen it, but you tear out sealed pages and plan an evening from the instructions in the book!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Good God, Shiny! I just was rereading your history and you have been through lots of greif.!! So be a little easier on yourself, IMHO. You have really rebounded from some tough situations in less than 6 months. And turned 40!!!! I just wanted to say you are doing better than most and take care of yourself. Before I forget and now I am off to read the rest. I have a short attention span. Shay
Hi LL...crappy area to have similarities, no? You're right about the no expectations for tonight, we'll see.
Pam, BOTH of us have read the Sex-Starved Marriage and while I saw a LOT that related to our sitch (including the low/high sex drives, ironically gender reversed in our sitch) CJ didn't seem as enthused. I mentioned in a much earlier post that when we first got together, CJ hadn't had much in the way of a sex life, despite his first marriage. He'd had only one other lover besides her before me. Had never even had oral sex!
Needless to say things were very hot for about our first year together. I'm quite sure his testosterone shot up as at age 29 he grew hair on his chest and arms and lost 90% of the hair on his temples. By that I mean it stopped falling out after about our first year. I'm sure he's happy about that, but.....
Pam, (or was it Shay?) I looked for "Hot Monogamy" at Chapters today, alas there were no copies in.
And LL, very true that if we had "typical he-men" who were all over us, but inconsiderate, slobbish, chauvenistic, uncaring, it would probably be something we'd grow to hate!!
I guess what we all want is just a little more passion without losing all the other good stuff!
Today I had a 4 hour lunch with a former student/friend. We laughed a lot, she's a lot like me when it comes to thinking the worst, obsessiveness. Also a brilliant woman.
Then I nabbed 4 novels at the bookstore...I DO have a few days off before the next class and I LOVE to read.
CJ had done two loads of laundry by the time I got home, including.....the sheets!
I sat on our deck and read for a while, then made dinner: nice sauteed Talipia fish. If you've never tried this lovely white Hawiian fish I HIGHLY recommend it. It has a very subtle flavour (somewhat like pickeral/walleye) but a firmer texture. Yum!
During dinner (sorry for the gross-out factor folks) we had the great opportunity to watch one of the surgeries I've had on the medical channel! It's called the "pelvic pouch procedure" for Ulcerative Colitis. It was soooo cool to see what was done to me. No WONDER I was in so much pain afterwards.
They've perfected this procedure now, as when I had it in 1988 it required 3 separate 6-hour surgeries...and it still didn't work for me. Frankly, I wouldn't trade my ileostomy for ANYTHING at this point. Hmmm, I don't think I mentioned that before.
Right now CJ is over at my folks helping my mom set up her VCR. I opted to stay home as I'm taking her out for lunch and shopping tomorrow and just wanted some time to myself. Maybe finish the novel I'm currently reading.
Pam, thanks for the diet link, but I don't want anything to do with a word that starts with "DIE"
I promised myself when I was very ill, being fed with a tuble, dreaming of food every night, that I would never go the restrictive diet route. I KNOW what I need to do and it's simple: Cut back on portions, cut out junk (ahhh Doritos ) and increase my exercise. It's worked before and it will work again!
Ah, what the heck, my book can wait, I'll check on some of you!
Hey, Shiny...I've been off the bb for a few days- but, good job with the student, not sending your obsessive response! I do have very similar difficulties, and have spent hours and hours writing such responses. Once it was with a client who was being mistreated by her supervisors, and they accused me of I don't even remember what, and I wrote this big long response!! Aaaaah. I am feeling more and more each day that I WAS NOT CUT OUT to be a therapist!
Sorry your sex sitch is not so great. It gives me really good insight into SBH's plight to read your reaction to being "rejected." I am also coming to the conclusion that a lot of my issues are about not getting enough sleep. So we're trying to get that situation to improve...
Has CJ done a consult about getting testosterone shots? I know it helped one man I worked with to allevieate depression, but I never asked about the sex life part of it...maybe it helped with that, too? He seems to have some of the symptoms of low testosterone with the tiredness/depression & low sex drive...
I understand your feelings about the DIE! But it is a good web site. There are lots of motivating articles that I find very good to read during this stressful time. As a matter of fact that is how I found this website. Michelle had an article on their website and link to hers!
Not writting much today. Trying to stay focused and not let stress run me over this weekend.
I know he won't give me an answer before Sunday night! And then I will probably have to ask for it!
Hope you have a good weekend!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Oh, and SB - check out the Body for Life website - you might want to join Jackie and me in a twelve week program - healthy eating and balanced exercise program. Check it out.
Just want to say that kml's idea is a very good one. I find it very, very erotic and satisfying to awake in such a manner and I am then quite happy to reciprocate.
But, ahem, CJ made good on his promise of a "raincheck" last night and it was very good!
So I guess that tunnel wasn't so cheeseless after all Ellie! Also, SAM, the idea of testosterone is interesting. We've mentioned the lower sex drive thing to our MD (joint), I even brought up the testosterone issue, but he seemed to brush that off. His answer was a quick Rx for the little blue pill. (Which does, indeed, help when used).
I think we'll just give this more effort in terms of communication, initiation, and positive reinforcement. It was really wonderful to be close physically again and even better for me as it WASN't the usual (but rare) morning thing... more exotic for the timing, the mood lighting and the music playing.
SAM, no word on the niece. CJ has a theory: her calls tend to come close to the end of the month....right about when assistance cheque money runs out . We'll see. And yes, I'm glad I slept on that 7-page response.
Today I made us breakfast/lunch and then spent the afternoon at my folk's place visiting with long lost distant relatives (same unusual last name) of my Dad's. They are from Arizona, but had a list of all of "us" they'd found on the internet. Pretty cool!
CJ and I went out for fish 'n chips (yep I can hear you body make over folks groaning ) then hung out on our deck. Seems the catnip we planted is quite a feature as at least two other cats besides our three hung out with us.
Just watched a faux documentary filmed in Calgary called "FUBAR" (yeah, I didn't know what it stood for either). If you ever run across it, please don't think all of us Canucks are like that!!! Although in my younger days......
Frankly, I wouldn't trade my ileostomy for ANYTHING at this point. Hmmm, I don't think I mentioned that before.