Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

Journal - Tomorrow she meets with her psychologist. I'm nervous - i think this is the last real shot. I lied awake in bed last night reminiscing about old times. How happy we were. The reason is that she picked out a bunch of pics to make a DVD for my son and his graduation. When I got home yesterday she stood right next to me and showed me it and said remember this and remember that. God we were so happy, had so much fun together, were so in love with each other and our life.

Interesting thing - I had made our family room into a very modest home theater on a budget with an amazing sound system. She was so proud of it that back in early January she went out and bought 6 theater recliners for the room as we redecorated. At the time I asked her if she was sure she wanted them because she loved to lay on the couch and watch. At the time she said "No way, these are much better". We moved the old couch downstairs. When I got home yesterday from work she told me that she laid downstairs on the couch and watched TV and that she really missed the couch. I laughed to myself because at one point about a month ago I told her that I wish we never bought those recliners because it took a little of our hominess away and to me they had become a symbol of our struggles.

I'll admit that I am scared to death of where this is going. I think she is going to make some very bad decisions while she is in a very bad frame of mind. She has been doing a lot of laying around this week. Seems very depressed then pops out of it. On Sunday her cousin is having a surprise 40th anniversary party. It's about a 2 hour drive for us. She RSVP'd 2 weeks ago and told them we were coming. Everyone was happy and thought that was a positive sign. Now she has been flipflopping on whether to go. I told her I would stay home. But in reality I really do want to go as I like all these people very much. I've always had a very good relationship with them and haven't seen them in a while. When I left this morning she said she thinks she wants to go and definitely wants me to come if I want to.

Anyway - I have been doing good with detaching I think. Did my own thing again last night and was pleasant to her this morning and went on my way. Last night when she came to bed she bumped into me a couple of times - it kind of woke me up. On the train this morning i thought about that because she had been so far over in the bed that was never an issue. And both times she did it last night she said she was sorry. If it wasn't the middle of the night and i was half dead i would have said no problem - it's the most action I've gotten in a while - but who has witty comebacks at 3am?? I hope everyone is doing good today. She is going out to dinner with her prayer group tonight (kind of ironic??) so I have the kids. I am looking forward to doing something fun with them.