Start of the long and bumpy road........

[TwinDad]

One thing I stressed to my C was that It was my goal to save my marriage through changing myself and if she wasn't on board with that then I wanted to know up front.

[Neilh23]

he knows that. I think he's been trying to get me to focus on my own individual issues rather than focusing on the issues that emerged in the marriage. Trying to take the focus off my W and place it firmly on me.

Still struggling a bit.....

My inlaws called last nite........ they're great. They're amazing. Can't say enough good things about them....it's nice to know that they think their daughter needs to get straightened out....but I also know that I do too.....

[TwinDad]

My inlaws called last nite........ they're great. They're amazing. Can't say enough good things about them....it's nice to know that they think their daughter needs to get straightened out....but I also know that I do too.....

That is too funny, my in-laws think my W is making a mistake as well. Her mild tempered grandmother is actually ticked at her. I actually feel bad for her. One time I even told her, "I'm sorry, I know it must feel like everyone is against you sometimes.....just remember I am still your best friend and I am on your side"

Last night went pretty well. We had one of my W's friends over and my W was talking about selling her house (only been in it about 5 weeks) and buying another house. She said that if she made enough profit on this home and smiled and said "if we stay together, you could put your money into to it as well". I just smiled and looked at her and said....."we are pretty much together now....this is the wierdest separation I have ever heard of"....she smiled back and said "yeah your right....we are just maintaining 2 households".

I am not going to push, just let her take it at her pace.

[JCJ]

TwinDad,

That's a pretty interesting comment your wife made. Maybe she just needs to know that she has a bolt-hole in case she needs it at the moment. That is also really cool that you are entertaining friends together. That is a very 'coupley' thing to do.

Sounds like you are taking some risks in some of the things you say to her - challenging her - but you obviously have built enough trust so that at the moment she knows she is safe when you say them and doesn't take it as a personal affront. I also note that you are using the word 'we' - great progress!

Good work, and thank you for your post it was a comfort to me to remember that you selling your house hasn't meant death for the relationship! I always really appreciate your input.

Julia

[TwinDad]

Julia,

Thanks, I have always made a point of using the word we. I don't know if it is good or bad but it works for me. Lately, it just seems like she is just holding back a little bit. When my rent is due in a couple weeks I think I might ask her what she wants me to do (pay another months rent or finish moving back in).

Sometimes selling the house can be a good thing....it can offer the two of you a fresh start in a new place when you get back together....kind of washing away the bad memories and keeping the good ones.

[JCJ]

I would give her enough notice to think about it. You kind of want her to think she came up with the idea. You know your wife best though, whether you should plant seeds or ask direct. I'm generally over-cautious because I have faced so much rejection!

I've replied to the 2nd paragraph in my thread as I didn't want to hijack yours!:-)

[JenInVen]

Hi

I liked that you told your C right off what you wanted. That's what we call assertive.

Let your wife come to you. I've learned this the hard way TD. I'm sure she knows your rent is due. I think by mentioning it you will just put pressure on her.

I like what you told Julia about moving into a new house and how it's like a fresh start. We are going to be buying a new apartment. It won't be ready for 18 months so that's my time frame for H. If we aren't coming around by the time the apartment is ready then we'll never be back together.

Jen

[TwinDad]

Jen,

Are you and your H buying it together or are you referrring to you and your D. I am sure you and H will be in a much better spot by then....start with the friendship and I never say never (at least that is how I feel now).

I probably shouldn't pressure her, it is just frustrating seeing us maintain 2 households when we are only living in one.

I usually don't have a problem being assertive with other people, but someimes with my W, I feel like I am walking on eggshells because she feels I am controlling as well....though I think I am making progress in this field

[Neilh23]

TD-
That is a pretty good comment from your wife. I'm glad for you!

I'm right there with you with your feelings about your W. Mine gets garbage all the time (I mentioned one incident) and I feel horrible for her. On some small level, it's nice to know that people really do want us to be together. But it sucks because her name is getting dragged through the mud by people who don't even know the sitch. They just think she's nuts.

My inlaws are great people. My FIL actually had his first wife leave him, and he hasn't seen her since. So he understands alot of the pain and suffering and frustration that goes with this. I'm not sure what they've told her, but I know that they think she's got a lot to learn.
As do I.....

glad to hear your sitch is getting better by the day!!!!! but remember, take your time man!

[TwinDad]

Another pretty good weekend with many possible pitfalls and traps that a little DB work got me through.

We had briefly talked about getting a new house together thursday night. Going to a much smaller home has been an adjustment for my W. Friday I looked at new places online and kept it to myslef. Firday evening, W comes home nad says she wants all of us to go out to eat and we start driving around looking at houses.

We spent most of Saturday driving around and looking at houses. Saturday evening we went to her brothers house for a crawfish boil and had a good time. On the way there we got in a little tiff about disciplining the children. She is better at it than me but I tend to have more patience. She started with the potential trap by saying Maybe we shouldn't have another child. I just calmly said if that that is what you really want but I have been trying to get better at disciplining them or setting boundaries. I told her the most difficult part I had was knowing when to take over and just do something for the kids and when to let them try it. I guess watching me get the kids ready can be painful for her to watch....because I will let them contineu to try if they want too even if it has gone on way to long.

Also on the way there she digged me again about the size of her engagement ring in that she felt she was short changed because I didn't spend two months salary on it. I told her I would get her a new one tomorrow if that was how she wanted to spend our money. I just thought it might be better spent on either fixing up our house or getting a new one or held in reserves if she was going to start a new career. It did bring a smile on her face and there was no mention of it the next day.....seems like a test to me.

When we were at the crawfish boil, my W and SIL took the kids iside to bath. I had started to bring them some clothes when I oeverheard them talking about our R. I overheard my W saying she realized that she wanted the M and that she needed to work on forgiveness and letting go of resentment.

Sunday we spent looking at houses again. We found a couple we liked. We taalked about them. I think I made some grounds here by not being negative, she gave me opportunities to do so. I did say that I wanted her to be happy and if that meant getting a bigger house but feeling more trapped in her job or staying where we are and having less pressure then I was ok with either as long as she was happy.

Last night I sat down in front of her on the couch and she massaged my face without asking.....it felt very nice. I returned the favor by giving her a nice massage and and little ML session right before bed.

Overall a very nice weekend. If I wasn't such a conservative then I would say my D is busted but I will remain cautiously optimistic for a little while longer