Well I helped with dinner and the salad was superb! The Pinot Grigio complemented it nicely and all was well.
That is untill around midnight. I'd just finished frenching my finger and toenails, was enjoying my smoothly shaved legs and thought "What better opportunity for a little lovin'?"
So I worked up my nerve and for the first time in...I can't even remember, months, made a sexual advance. I entered the living room, straddled CJ (on the couch) and proposed a sexual encounter involving whatever he wished. (Meaning...no pressure for intercourse, just ANY sexual contact!).
His response? No kiss, no caress..."How about tomorrow morning" (When 99.99999% of our infrequent sexual encounters occur). I asked "What's wrong with right now?" He said "I have a stitch in my side". I suppose my disappointment was evident. He offered a rain check.
The rejection hit hard and I just got up, went to the bedroom, tore off my thong and came in here to check my e=mail. He came by and we ended up sitting in the back room talking it out.
It's true that CJ has intestinal woes, but when I asked earlier today he said he'd been taking the fibre pills again and it was better. He didn't mention that after that huge salad it was acting up again.
I reiterated with the fact that there are many mornings when I have headaches, kidney pain, dry mouth and that doesn't stop me from responding sexually. He pointed out that he is not me. True. (Does anyone else see the cruel gender reversal in all of this??? ).
He did say during this conversation that he appreciated my advance, but in my mind it was a little late as my feelings had already been hurt. I went on to (unhelpfully) point out that perhaps tomorrow (when he suggested the rain check) he might feel the same way, or I might not be in the mood (ya, right!).
He had to explain a few times for my thick head that such comments rather sabotage what could be a very good thing tommorow. To me it was like a preemptive movve...anticipate the worst and you won't be disappointed, right? Maybe not.
The conversation went well once I started to really LISTEN and let some of the hurt subside. It's just very hard work up one's nerve after so very long, thinking the timing is perfect, only to be shot down.
But to be fair, CJ did offer to make good on this tomorrow night. Just seems to me that this might entail even more pressure on both of us, but I'll be optimistic none-the-less.
So all in all...progress. We talked it out. Each of us felt heard.
I still do wish my guy couldn't keep his hands off me, wanted me, desired me, made advances. But with all of the other wonderful qualities CJ has, perhaps there is a trade off?
For example i know of couples whose sex lives are dynamite, but other areas of communication, finances, work division etc are a mess and a source of great strife.
So the main message to this post is COMMUNICATE! I still feel hurt, but I look forward to what tomorrow holds in store. Advantage: it's HIS move! (And you can bet that unless I'm passing a stone or suffering a migraine I'll be up for the fun ).
It's now 2 a.m. so I may have time to check on a select few.
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