Anything I can do to help, I will be glad to. My posts seem to be getting longer and longer, but I will try not to be quite that long in the next one. Just had to catch up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W called this morning, said she was sorry for not getting to talk to me much the other day, I said that's ok. She tells me her parents want to pick up the truck Sat. Told her I was still trying to a problem and we have to clean it. She ask if she had any mail, I said yeah, transcripts from school and a dental bill niether one of us understood cause we know we paid it all. Anyway she was pulling into work,said she had to go, but the tone in voice she sounded a little frustrated. I don't know that I did anything wrong , however she did say have a good day. I thouhgt about sending her this text "Hope you have a good day!" Also we will see each other on Sat. to clean the truck.
Please help, someone tell me what they think I should do?
Now keep in mind from my earlier post she mentioned us to start doing some dates. After she got off the phone with our friend I said "Hey I got an idea, maybe we could catch up with them sometime to go eat." She responded "Yeah" but she sounded hesitant. Immediately she says "I can't promise you anything."
It is this hot one time and cold the next that drives the H crazy! She's off and on and like you said....damned if you do and damned if you don't, so you stay in a state of confusion. However, I think I would back away a bit and certainly not be sending any text messages to "have a good day" b/c she will resent it. I know you don't understand that, but it is pursuing. the WAW hates it more than I can tell you. You have to play a little hard to get and let her pursue you. Let her do the calling and text messesing or emailing. If she asks a question, and it's important enough to respond quickly....then okay, but if it is something that could be put off for.....say an hour.....then make her wait. That way, you are not showing too much eagerness. See what I mean? It's just like dating again and playing all those stupid girl/boy games that we had to do back then to win them over. Only in this case, you have to let her chase you instead of you chasing her. You must become attractive enough in your appearance and personality and charm that she will want to pursue you. But, anything that even looks like neediness, or pursuing on your behalf will ruin your chances......or at least cause a lot of damage and setbacks.
BTW, when I told you to feed her ego.....you need to work that in as part of your "charming personality" so that it does not appear to be pursuing or kissing her a$$......If that makes sense. You want to lift her self esteem, but not to the point of being a .....what is the word I'm looking for?.......you know, like some men over-kill and it is just sickening to the woman. Can you do it without it looking as though you are just trying to get on her good side or that you are pursuing? Can you kind of work it into the conversation easily without making a big point of it? I don't know what type of personality you have. Are you the type that likes to pick and play and tease or are you more on the serious side....kind of quite and not much to say. If you can give me an idea....maybe I could offer a few suggestions.
It's hard....very hard b/c you still love her and she will be on a rollercoaster of emotions. That is why she's hot and cold....up and down. You never know from one day to the next how she is going to act or feel. Today, she may not want to hear your voice, but tomorrow she may want a date with you.
Even though you want to win her back and restore your relationship with her, I think you need to show her that you are not going to be her puppet on a string........and besides, if you don't get control over your own life, she will drive you crazy. What I mean is just don't make your daily schedule planed around her and what she feels like doing....okay? Let her know that you have a life and sometimes your schedule just doesn't work out to be free to do whatever she is in the mood to do. Be your own judge.....you know her better than anyone else.
Re-read about the WAW article. I have been copying and pasting a list that I got off somebody's post (can't even remember now) but it is a great guide to go by without having to re-read the entire DR book again. It is kind of long, but if you want me to, I'll be glad to send it to you.
Maybe you should try to stay away from any R talks if you can. I know that most couples think that is the only way to work their problems out, but time takes care of a lot and right now, emotions are raw. If she brings it up......ask her what it is she wants you to tell her exactly.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I very much appreciate the time you take to respond to my post. First you are going to want to slap me and shake me and ask what is wrong with you? I will get to the point. After a few hours I did send that text based on a gut feeling that she was having a bad day, however I am not using gut feeling as an excuse or to justify my sending it. I wasn't expecting a reply from her, but in case your wondering, no I didn't get one. I think the sad thing is that I know better and I'm smarter than this.
I do agree with feeding her ego and would say that I would lean more toward light hearted playing, but no teasing, I hate teasing. She is on one heck of a roller coaster, I would like to know what I could do so smooth out the tracks on this coaster.
Yes, about the WAW article I would like to go over that.
As for R talks from my recent experience, I do want to stay away form them for a while. Now 2 months ago when we separated she withdrew a certain amount of money that made me believe she might be talking to an L. and that was the only time until this week she withdrew the same amount, so it makes me wonder once again if she is talking to an L.
Also when she got off the phone this morning she said I guess I will talk to you Sat. That's when we are to clean the truck and her parents come get it. I'm also hoping with her parents around that she doesn't start loading stuff up, I PRAY. So I'm wondering what to do this Sat. I feel worried somehow. I just want it to go smooth with really no hitches, don't want to talk about us as in R and am wondering how to handle myself. I feel like I really need some good advice for this. Since I feel lost I think anyone's thoughts may be better than my own.
Two things: 1.I know she went to counseling this week. 2. When she called this morning and the first thing she said was that she was sorry for not getting to talk to me more the other day, I am puzzled by this because she was at work, she took my phone call so that I could ask about a deposit and she told me the deposit. She had a customer waiting and said she needed to go, which I completely understood that. Just not sure why she is apologizing for not being able to have talked more. Man she seems hard to read. Is this typical for women with all that she has going on?
Anyway please respond as soon as possible, thanks.
Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for your post. I've read briefly over your situation and I'm really sorry you are facing it. WAS are complicated creatures that don’t make sense no matter how much we try to, and believe me I have tried constantly for nearly 9 months!
In answer to your last post... Is her withdrawing the money an issue? Does it bring up financial or emotional issues? It not I would let it go, if she is using it to see a lawyer there isn't much you can do apart from maybe get some information yourself if needs be? If you resent her using the money for that then you need to think about it? How do you feel if she is seeing a L?
I think when you see her this Sat act 'as if'. If you try to battle against her it will make her surer in her resolve that she is right. It is the hardest thing I know as it is like trying to hold onto sand slipping through your fingers - the more you try to hold on the quicker it slips away.
I see the apologising thing as quite natural thing for a woman to do. In my experience when men are not able to talk they just say and don't think about it again. For women it is natural to multi-task and we feel bad when we are not able to give someone attention when we are busy doing something else. I wouldn't dwell particularly, I would just take it that when she got off the phone she maybe felt a bit bad at not being able to offer you more of her time or felt bad at having to go so quickly. It's one of those strange grey areas that isn't really clear as you don't know what her thoughts were. I would maybe take it as either a small positive step that she thought of you after the phone call or she thought of your feelings when she started the call this morning.
Hope this makes sense and is some help - this is all IMHO.
Well financially we always kept our bills paid, but I kept a tight reign on money even when she needed more clothes and such. She may just like having some cash on her rather than using the check card. My mind may be over actively working/manifesting/ or speculating things to much. I wouldn't like it if she was seeing an L, but I'm going to try not to worry about that. Thanks for your reply JCJ, can't wait to hear from Sandi too.
Okay, glad you let me know that you are sort of playful b/c that is what I really meant by teasing.....not the mean type of teasing, but more like playing or picking at somebody to get them in a good mood. I don't express myself very well at times. Which brings me to the next subject.....don't think two minutes about most things she says or does or you will go nuts. As I told you before, you can't believe anything she says and about half of what she does. You just must stop fretting about things that she says or does on a daily basis. Now, really important things.....that's different.
About her parents coming to get the truck and you hope she doesn't decide to start loading everything up.....my suggestion is that you make sure you are at your house at all times during the time the in-laws are there. You don't want to leave things unprotected just for her to walk off with, so stay there and don't allow her to take whatever she wants without it being discussed. Be firm, but try to stay calm and in control. It may tick her off if she was planning something like that, but if she was without telling you....it's good enough for her.....just let her get ticked. The trick is for you to stay calm. Remember that she cannot control your emotions unles you give her the power to do so. I would be as friendly as possible to her parents and try to act as if things are well as can be expected. If they know what is going on and try to get you alone to question or talk to you, I would just tell them that the S or D is not what you want but she is free to do what she feels that she must do. I would not offer much other information or get into a Q&A session with them. It doesn't pay for family and friends to get involved in these matters b/c they will feel that they have to take sides and then things usually get ugly. If they want to know anymore, they can either ask her or they may even talk in front of both of you. Don't know what her parents are like, so you just need to be prepared before they get there for any possible questions that may arise or actions that may come up that you have not expected. Don't be caught off guard.
Back to talking about her rollercoaster emotions and actions....she will do this as long as she is in the MLC state or until she at least starts pulling out of it. I know I would wake up in the mornings all resolved to stop contacting my OM and stay with my H and by the time I would get off work, my emotional state was so messed up that I didn't know what I wanted except to talk to the OM.
Michelle has a article here on the board about the WAW that you can read.
Have you tried to be sort of playful toward your wife (whenever the two of you were together) since the S? I know that sounds almost rediculas to ask such a question, but if you like to be fun and playful and joke with people, it helps to work that "ego food" into the conversation without sounding like you are getting way too serious with her. I think she could take it a lot better than for you to have puppy dog eyes looking at her and telling her how beautiful she is. Instead, you can use your own personality and charm and say something about how "hot" something looks on her that day, or whatever you can say and do that sounds "normal" for you. If you can't do it without sounding like you are trying to "butter her up" or trying to be somebody you aren't.....then maybe you should let it go and not say anything at all. It is so hard to know what to do when you never know what mood she will be in.....so you kind of have to follow her lead.
Some men are very successful being their W's best friend after they S or even D. Then eventually, they get back together again. However, some find themselves being walked all over and stepped on like a doormat when they try to be friendly toward their exwife and do good deeds for them. I started to say that only you really know your wife, but right now, she is even a stranger to you due to her MLC. After you read Michelle's article on the WAW, tell me if your W sounds like that and also, I think Michelle has the first chapter to the MLC or maybe an article here on the board. After you read that, let me know what you think. At first, I thought perhaps your wife wasn't in MLC, but the more you tell the more I'm thinking she is.
Good luck this weekend. Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First I am going to try my best to take your advice.
Next, yes I have tried to be playful toward my W since the S. Make cute comments, just things that might put a smile on her face or make her laugh, and she has responded that way. Recently I have commented on her looks more often, cause she has some new outfits, and she does look hot. Dark tan, tight jeans, summer tops that reveal a little, classy, but not trashy...lol like my rhyme. I know it's pathetic, but I had to say it! I love her pretty hazel eyes and her long brunette hair. She really knows how to put on her make-up, always just enough, not over done. Well she is a licensed cosmetologist. Anyhow when she puts herself all together, damn look out!
Well Sandi your last paragraph made me laugh. As I have already read about MLC. As soon as I started reading about it I was like "That's Her." After reading MLC I felt pretty confirmed that is her.
I found what I could on the WAW and some of it does sound like her, but it could go right along with the MLC too.
In the past I was really searching for a book on MLC and I found and ordered one tonight. "Surviving Your Wife's Midlife Crises" by Christine Carter Schaap. Her website is http://www.pathpartners.com
I hope this will give you some leads as to what your thinking about my sitch.
Well, by your description, your wife sounds like a "knock-out" and I'm sure you are very proud of her and I'm also pretty sure she is driving you crazy everytime you see her. I can hear in your writing how much you love her. Sometime I think if some men here on the board would tell their w's what they tell us....maybe things would be different (just a thought...lol).
I think one reason that the WAW and a W in MLC is so similar is b/c the description of them often go hand in hand. However, a WAW does not necessarily have to be in a MLC to leave her H anymore than it means that she is having an affair b/c she left him. She may be leaving him for several reasons other than MLC. MLC does not have to lead to having an EA or PA, but very, very often it does sooner or later b/c the person is looking for happiness and youth and a second chance at life.......they are tying to be young again and start all over and that usually means finding another person. It is very confusing for them and their emotions get on that rollercoaster for the ride of their life--and they take anybody with them that will get on board.
Well, I've talked about this before, so no use in going over that again. Just know that I understand b/c I was from that side of the fense for a while and yet I don't condone it and I do see the pain in the LBS and the destruction of the family. That is why I stayed with my H, even though our children are grown, we are still a family and I do not want to hurt them b/c I do love my H and my family. Thank God, I was able to pull out of whatever it was that happened to me (MLC or whatever) b/c it was horrible. I do hope and pray that she will pull out soon and begin to see through the fog.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes my wife is a is a "knock-out" to me. I think any decent H had better say that about his W. My uncle told me a line that I just cannot forget and I think it is so true and it is this "The most beautiful woman a man should know is his wife." Anyway yes she is driving me more than crazy when I see her, cause I just want to touch her and hold her. Yeah, I agree with what you say about men on the board telling their W's what they say on here.
As far as I know she is not into anyone else right know. I have told her recently that I could never do that, she said the same for herself and she has always been very adamant about that. I hope she keeps her word and strength on that issue. I also hope to get her back home before she falls into any temptation. I think it is easy for people to look at others and start to have thoughts, but then you have to ask and remind yourself where your commitment is. I took my vows before myself, my wife, and God and I have a covenant there that cannot be broken, that is the way God intended it to be, no exceptions. I rest my faith in God that he will guide her and not let her stray into temptation. I am glad to hear that you that you pulled out of that sitch, it shows your strength and that these things are possible. I believe that my W will ultimately figure out that she won't find the same happiness that she would if we work things out. With my changing and having our best interest in my heart and God in our lives, I pray that our happiness will be more than it ever was before. I use to think that I needed many things to be happy, since going through all of this I now realize that all I need to be happy is HER. And God too.
Sandi thank you for your support and prayers that she does pull out of this fog very soon.
