Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((cw))))))))

I like the way you are sounding.

The custody thing is going to be tough. I understand his fear. I wonder if you could set it up so that his support payment would be as though it was 50-50, and phase in the actual physical custody? I get the feeling the $ may be bothering him as much as the time. Maybe you can trade one for the other, in the short term?

Hey, I'm a guy, trying to fix things is a reflex!

[cw68]

He just emailed me saying he had cooled off and would agree to my proposal. He asked if we could word it that the initial arrangement would just be initial and that we would revise it when I secure full-time employment and/or a certain time frame.

I told him I was fine with that and to say that it will be reviewed in six months, picking that time because that's when the divorce can be final. (Six month mandatory waiting period in CA.)

I didn't want to get all wordy in the email, because I tend to do that too much, but if the kids seem to be adjusting well to me going back to work, to them going into child care and all that is happening and if he continues to not travel as much, I'm all for it happening sooner as I know that arrangement is best for the kids. We just differ on how fast to get there.

To your question on support, not going to change that. I wouldn't use my kids to get more money, but while I'm doing the time, I'm going to get what the state says it's worth. I stayed out of the work force for 7 1/2 years, in part so that he could advance and not have the kids interfere with his job. IMO, it's the least he owes me. As the arrangement changes, so will the support and I'm fine with that. But he chose this, CA support payments are pretty cut and dried and come out of a formula plugged into a computer. It knows what it's doing and he won't be sending me this much money for long. You talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.

He says he doesn't care about the $130k we are going to lose on the house, why should he care about the support? He's been all about he doesn't care about the money, that is until he actually has to put his money where he mouth is. I'm not going to jeopardize my finances any more than I am being forced to. This is his decision, he has to live with the repercussions.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I understand exactly what you are saying! It's a moot point anyway, since he agreed! I'm not sure that you would even be allowed to deal away child support like that, even if it was agreed to, and for a short time.

I like what you are trying to do. I hate that you have to do it, but I really like your consideration for the kids, and making sure that he is a real part of their life!

(((((((((cw))))))))))

[Kalni]

Hi cw68,

reading your updates makes me nervous. It is very difficult to keep a civilised profile whil money and kids'custody get in the way. I admire you for being so strong. Back in the early days of our S, I had screamed at H he would hardly see the kids. Of course I was loosing my mind back then. Now I am even thinking if we come to D I would actually give him 50% of custody. I am not going to be his babysitter taking care ofthe kids and him being the nice daddy that sees them during weekends for fun stuff. He will have to be involved more even if he thought getting out meant no responsibilities for him...

Keep your chin up. You know what to do. Get some legal advice everytime you have doubts which way to go forward during all this proccess.
K

[cw68]

Kalni, I did the same thing and he threw it in my face yesterday a few times. It was getting ugly and it's easy to get there.

I do have a lawyer, but I haven't hired her on retainer. She's a friend of mine and she said that since it looked like H and I weren't too far off that my best bet (financially) will be to come to our agreements and have her reviewing them, charging hourly. I've shot off a few emails already and once H finishes everything, I'm going to read it, bring it to her, tell her what I think is missing and get her recommendations on what to change/add/delete/reword, etc.

I agree about not just being the Disneyland Dad. And I'm thinking that, in as much as I love, love, love my neighbors, perhaps I should just move into the rental on Aug 1. My days are filled with the regular chores of having a house, multiplied by it being a big house. He gets the chance to do nothing but play with the kids because how much upkeep is a 1-bd apartment? Then I wonder if having the support of my neighbors/friends on the block would be worth staying or would breaking free and moving be best for me?

what to do, what to do...

[CBK]

CW -

Sorry I haven't been there for you the past few weeks - I totally checked out, needed to. I just spent the last few hours catching up with your sitch.

I have to say, the best thing for me so far was totally detaching, only talking to W when I needed to. We met weekly for dinner, but talked very little about the R. I slowed EVERYTHING down, including my emotions. Your sitch is so much more difficult with your kids - but I have found by slowing down, it has helped.

My gut agrees with you, there seems to be somebody "helping" him push things along. I hope not.

The great thing about this site is getting your journaling done - really getting your emotions out there and getting some honest feedback. What I didn't read much was what your are doing for you. I remember earlier posts about golfing, going to Tahoe, etc - you need to take care of yourself. As I have said many other times, I am concerned for you, you are shouldering so much and being so strong for your kids - so impressive - you are a pretty special person, we all can see this by your posts. So remember, take care of CW too, take the time and walk, find friends to laugh. Heck, I am not too far away - I will go hit a bucket with you! Keep your network strong - both this one and the one you have around you that you can call or meet over a glass (or bottle) of wine with.

Be well - if you can, try and slow down if you can.

CBK

[cw68]

Half answer, half journaling...

The GALing has been made more difficult by the kids being out of school. We've been doing lots of things, things we never did as a family. Going to the local evening market in our hometown, the weekly outdoor concert and the like that H never was motivated to go to and it rubbed off on me.

What I've been doing for myself is starting the job search. Getting my references and resume pulled together, trying to whittle away on projects around the house, continuing to set up playdates, and other mundane things like doctor appts, etc. I did a beer tasting with a friend Weds night, but needed a weekend to nurse my feelings this weekend. Next Saturday I am going to NYC for a getaway with my sisters. Really looking forward to it.

I'm done. It has been almost one year of hell and I can't take it anymore. The things H has pulled the past few days has pushed me over the edge. One minute accusing me of using time with the kids for money while telling me that all kid expenses will be split 50/50 and not per rata of income (I haven't secured employment yet, but he'll probably easily make 4x as much as me) and then sending me an email including "I’m willing to pay for more than 1/2 of the kids everyday expenses across the board if I have them half time." He just keeps showing me that the kids and their best interest isn't his number one priority.

It finally hit me that he's been telling me for almost a year he doesn't want me, that I'm not worth keeping and neither is the family we have. It's getting easier and easier to abhor him as I watch him tear apart our family piece by piece. With every step he makes, he becomes less and less a man worthy of my love and pride. He's the one who is messed up. I am worth fighting for and he's throwing me away. Our family is worth everything and yet he's throwing it away. I have reached my point where I'm done with trying to save our marriage. I now have to save myself.

I saw him while working my front desk shift at the gym today and only spoke to him pleasantries as he walked in. After my shift was over I went to stretch before lifting weights and walked right past him, not looking at him and sat at the mat farthest from him. I could tell him was looking at me. I acted "as if." As if he wasn't there.

After lifting and having a beer at the club with some friend, I return and see he was in the house while I was gone. I've asked him a million times, including just yesterday, to tell me when he is going to be in the house when I'm not here. So I texted him, asking him to please tell me when he's going to be in the house. He responded that he would ask permission before doing so again. I told him it was his house, he was paying for it, I just wanted to know because it's freaky to come home to lights on, etc. That I had asked him numerous times before and I hoped this time he would stick to his answer but that that this was the last time I was going to ask, that my head hurt from banging it against the wall. He responded, fair enough.

He did this after just yesterday us going through this. He told me that he thinks sometimes he does (or doesn't) do things that he doesn't realize are inconsiderate. That it isn't intentional but that he doesn't think careful enough about the impact of his actions.

That really sums it all up. I'm sick of asking for him to return, a man who can't think of the impact of his actions. Who only does what suits himself. I deserve better. I definitely don't deserve this.

[cw68]

ps, CBK, glad you stopped by. Missed ya.

[CBK]

CW - great post - great thoughts - you sound strong and that you have had enough and you are going to the next stage - whatever that is!

Glad you are getting to NY - I have an office there - if I was going to be there, I would have taken you and your sis out - you deserve it! I usually stay up on the upper west side - great museums, central park, etc. and great food no matter where you go!

All my friends tell me I will know when it is time - it seems like you have gotten there, time to move on with your life, whatever that may be, you have control.

If you feel like texting - turn the letters to numbers except 0 is actually zero and 1 is actually one! g0t g10 damd

Sometimes it is good to talk to others in similar sitch's - no biggy.

Keep being strong - hopefully tears are fewer and farther between - they have been for me.

CBK

[CBK]

PS - good to be back, and in a better mind set.

PSS - if you are looking for places though in NY for dinner, let me know! :-)