Sorry you're feeling beat up tonight...I think you hit the nail on the head when you say you just need time.
I too am in piecing, and can vouch that the changes are imperceptable, and that if you just grit your teeth and keep moving in the direction you want to go, even just an inch at a time, one day you'll find that your feelings ARE different, that your sitch is different, that the pain is no longer so raw or strong and it's been replaced with other thoughts and feelings.
Gratitude and forgiveness make all the difference. But they too take time.
First I must commend you for continuing to be here. You have had a lot thrown at you lately, and your courage to persevere is admirable. It seems to me that you want to do the right thing (IMO) - that is the start!
I also want to thank you for giving me (and others in similar sitchs) an insight into what may be going through my WW mind. I only hope that my WW can make what I consider the "right" choice, which is the road you appear to be going down.
Take care - and do not give up. The prize at the end is worth the fight (again, IMO).
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
WDID, You are getting lots of great advice here. Regardless of whatever maddening, anger provoking comments anyone here (particuarly me!) throws your way I hope you won't stop sharing your thoughts and feelings. Lying or hiding them won't be as helpful. Also, if it makes you angry or upsets you, chances are you may be getting more out of it. For example, when I suggested you might have to lose your marriage to appreciate it, that's when you were MOST insistent on wanting to stay married and make it work. You expressed healthy determination.
After three years of separation what made you and your husband get back together?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sara has got it SO right and is very wise. Thanks for saying what you did about me also - you know that you were a complete life saver for me - and still are. I channel you, Yoyo and others on here regularly and you are seldom far from my thought....even though my time on the PC is somewhat limited at the moment, (I haven't forgotten my promise to email!!! :))
Didi, keep at it. I also was very bad with depression. I described my sitch earlier , so there is no need to go through it again. One thing I would say though is that I tended to go through cycles with BF's before I got together with my H. A R would last happily up until around the 2 year mark and then I would get unhappy and want to end it and move on. In retrospect I think that that is very much linked to my hormones and the love chemicals in my brain.In me, the addiction to another person seems to last around that time. I knew that when I met my H and we married within 1 year of meeting....so I was a bit worried at the back of my mind about what would happen at the 2yr mark. Nothing did. So I felt with him, when we did hit the bad times and I got clear enough to know that staying was the right thing to do, (even if my mind and happiness levels told me something dfferent), that I had to combat this somehow - it wasn't him so much as me. That didn't mean that things between us didn't need to change though - they did. We had deviated so much from the proper path - the engine of our M didn't need a tune up - it needed a complete rebuild.
When it comes to stopping thoughts about things I found the only way to do it was to stop thinking about everything. The Stop Sign in my head did nothing - I would drive over it in my mind....and then reverse back over it for good measure and just carry on!!! I did sudoku - I know it sounds silly, but I couldn't concentrate on anything else when I was doind a fiendish; it completely stilled my mind and would stop the loop I was trapped in at the time.
You are doing well. Keep at it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
WDID, please don't stop posting your thoughts and feelings here. We should feel comfortable to post anything on our own threads and if I made you uncomfortable I am sorry for that. I do think you took my words way more harshly than they were meant to be. I DO want to see you succeed.
I hear you saying the same things my H was saying to me, and maybe my comments are from what I am feeling...but they weren't meant to be hurtful or even a 2x4.
Aud, thanks for giving me more hope to go on, and your words and hugs. I really appreciate it. Time, time, time.
lost, you too. Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to go down the correct path. I keep falling, but I keep going that way.
running, yeah, you got me going yesterday. Much better today. I'll blame it on the hormones and move on. You asked, "After three years of separation what made you and your husband get back together?" Let me explain a little more so you get the whole picture. For the first year of separation, he set up sleeping arrangements in the basement. Son did not know this (he is 5 now). My hope was that H would realize that things needed to change, and start doing something. Up to this point we argued all the time, I kept telling him what I needed, we went to counseling, he didn't do anything. Then, second and third year I asked him to move out (again, thinking then he would do something...miss me....fight for me.....SOMETHING!!!!) But, nothing. I started seriously considering he was gay. He went to work, came to the house to be with son, put son to bed, then left and went to his house. Finally, at the end of the third year he went to counseling by himself,and all of the sudden I saw changes. Even though, at this point, I was angry and skeptical, he continued to do new things and show me affection. I shunned him often, because I thought he was faking, but he continued. That's when I started cooling it off with the OM and prepared myself to tell him about the OM. THe day I told him I asked him to come home and he has been here ever since. Looking back on it, I could have done some DB techniques myself without H doing anything, but I didn't know about them at the time. I also had felt like I had done everything to express my unhappiness about our relationship, and he just continued on his routine. He tells me now that the routine was his comfort zone, and he still gets pulled to remain there.
Saffie, our relationship needs a complete rebuild as well. Time and work will hopefully fix it. yeah, the stop sign isn't working for me either to stop the thoughts of OM. It's hard for me to stop thinking about him because I am used to thinking through things so to stop it makes me feel like I am avoiding it. But, in this case, I need to because the feelings make my mind uncontrollable. As Sara said, I need to rein in my thoughts.
klm, it's ok. I got all fired up yesterday, but am able to look at everything a little less emotional today. Everyone posts because they think that what they say will help. I got pretty defensive, but I am always better on a new day like today. Thanks for checking in on me.
Whatdidido, can you please visit my thread and give me you honest opinion of whether I stand a chance here and H just struggles with no contact or if i am just being played?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I'm glad it helps. I'll try to look in on your thread off and on from now on.
Nothing much new here.....Picked up an empty, pretty journal to start writing things I'm grateful for each day, and to work on forgiveness. Focusing on H and positives! I cleaned my bedroom today, was getting to be a huge mess....always does when I'm a huge mess. Trying for a new mindset. Thoughts of OM still there, but not as strong sadness...I even felt a little anger at him at one point today. No contact.
For the weekend I am going to go visit my friend's volleyball game for just a bit, then come home and hang with H and S. Tomorrow we will go to a really cool zoo about an hour away and spend all day there. SUnday and MOnday no set plans, but my goal is to organize house so I can organize my life. For me, this goes hand in hand. I'm thinking of painting a room or two pretty soon. We need a change.
