Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[Virtually_Handsome]

That sounds like about as good as the news could be, cw! Hopefully there will be good to come out of it, no matter what the motivation is.

((((((cw)))))))

[newnamenewlife]

I just read this whole thread CW. What a rollercoaster you are on, you poor thing. I have the same H as you and 7 year itch. My H never ONCE explicitly said he was unhappy in our M and wanted to address it. He let it build up and then snapped and now feels he simply has no choice in the matter at all. He must leave. Working on our M is and has been out of the question for him since the bomb.

I'm also following in your footsteps--at the 8 month mark. H wants to leave July 1 but has not even looked at apts yet. He wants us to tell our Ds on Friday. The thought of that makes me just miserable beyond description. I literally shake when I think of sitting there as he tells them. I'm really worried that I just won't be able to do it.

I was feeling like I could handle it, had grieved and was even kind of looking forward to certain things, like having a few days/nights to myself every week (when Ds are with him) and starting over. But at the mediator's today we were talking about who would get the kids over July 4th and it just hit me like a TON OF BRICKS that this is it--we'll never vacation as a family again. I was overwhelmed with sadness--but there was H, unmoved and busily scribbling on his calendar.

What kind of MC is your H talking about? I know there are workshops on co-parenting when you're divorced. Is that what he's talking about?

[cw68]

No, we're going to a SBT marriage counselor. Back in January I found one in our area, but he wasn't interested. He went to an IC for a while and apparently during the first session she suggested we go to MC to learn how to communicate better. She said he could go with the intention of having a smoother divorce and I could go with the intention of saving our marriage, but that regardless we'd have to get better at communicating.

He is adamant about divorcing me and filing papers asap, but has agreed to this. I'm thankful. We need it. Right now we are on a nasty path and I don't want to go there.

I know how you feel about the whole thing. I'm right there with you and just wish I could skip ahead one year at the least. But I can't so I have to find a way to make the highs of the ride last longer and longer.

One way is repeatedly telling myself that it is over. False hope has done me no good. I've known for a while that it's over, just wouldn't let myself believe. Now I have to believe and see some of the few positives of the situation. My H isn't the man I married. He doesn't have the moral fiber I thought set him apart from others. This has been a particular let down for me because I really believed this was a strong point of his. He doesn't love me, he doesn't appreciate me. He doesn't want to save a marriage, he'd rather make the kids take the hit. Thinking this makes me like him less and less, though I still love him somehow. My sister says it's not him that I love, but I love the idea of him and the life we planned on having together. You know, I think she's right.

I would still chose not to end this marriage and make it work for me for all the reasons I've said before. But nothing in my life is my choice right now. That's just the way it is.

[cw68]

Journaling... I'm frantically trying to figure out where to live, what do to with the house (we'll have to sell it, just trying to figure out when), how the whole divorce papers thing will work out with me not yet having a job, the whole shebang. I'm somewhat of a planner and H isn't. We are on complete opposites in this regard, in what we plan or put off. Anyway, I'm trying to find some semblance of order, power, whatever in my life's direction by figuring out the house, rental stuff. I told him that waiting to file papers until I have a job would probably be the best thing to do since we currently have a solvent situation going on here and can for the near future, though obviously not forever. Otherwise we would be working off of support numbers and the like and it probably wouldn't benefit either of us. I tried to make sure he knew that I wasn't saying this because I thought delaying the action would keep it from ultimately happening. He kept saying he was going ahead.

Tonight I spent quite a bit of time trying to find the "right" rental for our situation because like always we are trying to make it work best for the whole family. The idea is that I would continue to live in the house as we prepare to sell it. H would move into a rental in this neighborhood. When the time comes to put the house on the market, we would switch places and when the house sold he would find a place in which to live. This way the kids will continue to attend the same school, they will have the same 2nd house in which to live and it should make it a bit easier for them. I needed to talk to H about it. I called him twice, no answer. Sent him an email on one specific question I wanted answered. He texted me back with a cryptic answer and then said he was done for the night, didn't have anything else to talk about tonight.

It seemed typical to me, I'm gung-ho on something, he steps back. Over a week ago we sent a list back and forth on things that we should do to the house before we sell it. He told me he'd start on them last night while he was here with the kids, but didn't. Instead he watched Star Wars with the kids.

So I sent him a return text: "well, I'm sorry that u don't but do have a *huge* amount of logistics that need 2 be addressed. I'd like 2 talk about them when the kids aren't around.

FYI, things like this rub me the wrong way because it's all about u. Do it whenever u can. I'll just have 2 deal with whatever u feel like giving me whenever u feel like giving it 2 me. Guess I'm finally learning that. I'll just plan on doing everything myself & if u happen 2 pitch in it'll b a bonus. This way I won't be disappointed & u stop deciding my every move.

Don't mind me. It's only my future 2. Good nite."

He called me back right away and we were able to talk for a short while, but I also noted that while it felt good to settle a few things, we should really talk about it when both of us were ready. I did get from him that he wasn't going to actually file until I got a job, but that he was going to start working on the agreement in the meantime so we can come to agreement before we file. Even with this he couldn't just answer with a yes or no answer. grrr. He so irritates me sometimes when he acts like a politician and avoids a direct answer. That I won't miss. Me: "Are you going to file right away or wait until I get a job?" Him: "I don't really have a choice." Me: "What do you mean you don't have a choice?" Him: "It just doesn't make sense." Me: "What doesn't make sense?" Him: "The filing." Me: "What filing? When?" Him: "Filing for divorce." Me: "I know that. When doesn't make sense?" Him: "I told you this already!" Me: "I'm missing something, when are you filing?" Him: "I already told you I don't really have a choice!" And then after another couple of minutes he told me that filing now would just put us both in a bad position that we could avoid if we continued to work together. I'm not kidding about the conversation, that was almost verbatim. It was like a "Who's on first" adaptation.

Anyway, I'm off. Going to continue to read about the Donner Party before bed. Makes my problems seem like small potatoes.

[Sara]

Honey, you pressure him to get back to the family when things are going well, and you pressure him to move along in the divorce when things are bad. Can't you just stop for a while? Do nothing. At least do nothing, say nothing, to him. If he drags his feet on the divorce, why is that a problem for you? I think you should go to the counseling about communication first. Before you start talking about another subject. Before you fix up the house, before you rent a more expensive place. You admit you have bad communication, and then you just go on a mile a minute pushing on the man. If this is the result of the adderall, you need to stop taking that medicine.

[cw68]

No, it's not the adderall, this is my nature and it has apparently been a problem in our relationship from the beginning. (He didn't want to get married he now says, but didn't know how to say "no" nine years ago when we moved to California and that was part of what I stated I needed, that I wasn't going to move from Chicago to California if we weren't going to get married.) The adderall, when I take it, has actually been very helpful in me focusing and gaining clarity. Didn't take it today. I had a breast MRI earlier today and didn't know if it would interfere with the contrast they had to give me via IV, so I skipped it. I've been taking it about every other day or so.

I guess I'm just pushing to get some control, which goes back to one of our original problems. I actually am trying to talk him into slowing down the papers part. But I do need to know what's going to happen in my future since I'm going to have to move, go back to work, the whole shebang. I guess now that he has made a decision, I need to move forward. He wants to put the house on the market yesterday but there are things we have to do before doing so. He doesn't live here, so putting the house on the market doesn't change his day-to-day, but with the kids out of school, it really affects us.

Regarding counseling, I'm glad he's willing to do that, but in the meantime he's still moving forward. Now that he's made his decision, it's in everything he says. Numerous times in either conversation, email or text he said that he was done with this marriage. In a lighthearted moment I sent a completely separate text of "I don't think I'm clear; are you done with this marriage or not? ;)" His reply was that one thing he still loves about me is my ability to mix in the humor to lighten the pain. He's the one who's all divorce, divorce, divorce and I need to get a few things straight so that the kids and I aren't totally displaced by this.

I will take your comments to heart and think about them, but I think it's time that I start planning my future as it's going to play out and for that I need him to participate to a certain extent. His lease is up at the end of July and he's wanting to figure out where he's moving. He's the one setting the living arrangements on the front burner. Me, I would have liked it if he would have ignored it and have to had move back home, but that wasn't to be.

Maybe I can't sit back. Maybe that's part of the problem. But I am me in the end, I guess. We either figure this out together or I'll be pushing myself on the backburner in fear of upsetting the apple cart forever. I can't live like that.

[Kalni]

Lovely (I mean it) cw68,

I believe Sara gave you a good advice. I think I am behind you one step, a baby step. And I had been the one pushing for action feeling something SHOULD be done, in various occasions. When you give up hope is when everything dies inside. Don't rush into things that you need a clear head to decide upon. Take your time. Take the time YOU need now. Make lists. Prioritise your needs. Figure out which things you need his consent for and which things are solely "yours". Where he is obliged to help you where you would expect him to even if he doesn't have to. Slowly build an action plan. Consider all options and protect your interests and your kids' interests. Breathe! You'll be fine. Nobody knows what the future holds for all of us. Most of us a year ago had no idea this was coming. Good things happen to good people. I believe that.
Love
Kalni

[cw68]

I guess I've just hit the point where I'm done too and I can't just walk around him. I need to know my living situation. I am very, very stressed about finances. We have a $2800 mortgage and will soon have $1200 a month in child care costs and I don't have any idea how much money I will make as I haven't ever worked in this region and haven't worked in seven years. The unknowns are haunting me and I'm looking for something solid on which to stand. I will do my best to think twice, but I do need some things here for me and me alone.

I need to know living situations for me and the kids. I need to know the date at which this will be written down for financial purposes. That's all I will ask for and I will make it that's all I need.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw))))))))

I understand your concerns, and I really understand your need to plan. The problem you are running into is that he can't plan right now. That's his problem, but it is turning into your problem! I think that the best way for you to handle it, and maintain your sanity, would be to really forcus on the things that you don't need him for right now. If you can resolve some of those, there at least won't be as much uncertainty ahead. Then you can see if you can get small, incremental steps out of him, so taht you can continue to more forward.

I know that doesn't get you where you want to be, when you want to be there, but it might be the best you can do. I really understand your apprehension at what lies ahead, and that you have decisions that you'll need to make, and you need his real input to make them. Just try to keep breathing, and move slowly and steadily, I think it is the only way!

[cw68]

Journaling... what a day. H is doing up the paperwork and isn't liking the reality of the situation. So he lashes out at me. After months of saying we can do this on our own, we start disagreeing at the start, before anything is even remotely set he flips out.

We are disagreeing about custody. He immediately wants it to be 50/50 and I want it to slowly go there. I have been the kids' primary care taken forever. The arrangement we currently has had worked. My belief is it should stay like this as we transition houses and as we really split up, since up until now we had more a lot more together as a family. I will be going back to work soon and really don't think that drastically cutting the amount of time they spend with me since I've stayed home with them for the past seven years is a good idea right now. Not to mention my H has traveled a lot for work over the past four years and I'm worried that he'd have to keep changing the days and the kids wouldn't even have the stability of knowing where they would sleep each night. I know my kids and really believe that stability is the thing they need most right now.

Yes, in the past in arguments I've told him he wouldn't ever get 50% custody. My bad. For the past few months, especially the past few weeks, I've done everything I can to reassure him that that's not actually how I feel.

So I get this email today in response to a reply of mine to an earlier email where I spelled out the above, assuring him that my plam is to have the kids end up 50/50 and to do that in the not too distant future:

"I honestly don’t believe that the arrangement will change in time. The kids will come to accept it and once you have majority custody locked in and are getting significant alimony and support payments, why would you have any desire to change things? After all, you’ve told me numerous times in the past that I would “never” get equal custody and I have no reason to believe that your perspective has changed. Also, I’d then be in the compromising position of having to explain to the court why I agreed to reduced custody in the first place and why it now makes sense to modify the agreed upon arrangement.

I guess I have a really difficult decision on my hands, spend all my savings, create a lot of bitterness between you so that I can convince a bunch of total strangers that I’m deserving of being an equal parent, or just accept that I will have a less than equal role in D7's and S5's life and moving forward with them in the best way that I can.

It is an impossible dilemma and I can see why custody battles can become so contentious, costly and emotional. "

Typical H. It's all or nothing. Either he immediately has 50% custody or he will have less than an equal role in parenting. Nothing in between.

So I called him. Asked him if he really wanted to get lawyers involved. He said he didn't know. I told him that nobody would win in that situation and the kids would definitely loose. Told him he would regret it and once he went there, he couldn't ever turn it around. I told him I was offended at what he was accusing me of and that he was threatening me with a custody battle. He denied threatening me with it!

I swear, there's someone else. Someone else who is putting the screws on him to file and is filling his head with what he accused me of in his email. He swears that he isn't, but if he is and he's been lying to me, he'll regret it.

He'll regret going to a lawyer, too. I have something on him that could look very damaging to him. I could probably keep the kids from him if I used it in the right manner. When the incident I'm talking about happened (and I don't want to go into details) I told him that he could trust me, that I had no plans on letting any judge know of the incident. That I understood what had happened and knew that it wasn't what it could be made to look and I wasn't upset or anything. (Actually, it was kind of funny in ways.) It hasn't been mentioned since and he's telling me that he can't trust me?!

He calmed down a bit. He came over to join me in looking at a rental house that he is probably going to move into when his lease is up. Then when we put the house on the market, he'll move in here and I'll move into the rental for the long haul. Liked the place. Weird in many ways, and the kids will miss our yard, but it's in a little community with a pool and I think that will make up for it. It's just a few blocks away, still right by the school and in the neighborhood where their friends are. It only has two bedrooms, one of the bedrooms was turned into a loft area. I think the kids can still share a room for a while and the loft right next door to their bedroom can be their area. Homework area, play area and my desk/computer.

I digress, sorry. When he first came over, I asked the kids to take their carseats to Dad's car and I had to have a private word with their father. I went over to him and said, "We have to do this the right way, H. If we don't the kids loose. We cannot screw this up too. Our married is ruined, we cannot ruin us too or the kids will pay." He said he agreed. We left. Anyway, after seeing the place H was taking the kids to dinner. He asks if I wanted to join and I said yes. (I'm really trying to build a friendship with him, we have to do that for our kids.) During dinner the kids were talking about the house and I asked H where he thought he might live after the house sells. He looks at me and says, "Probably in one of those double-wides right there. You'll have all my money." As if I'm supposed to feel sorry for him? DAM. I don't feel sorry for him, this is the "solution" he chose.

Oooh, another thing (this journaling tonight is making me feel better). As we were driving to dinner we passed his old place of employment. I said, "I should call Hussein (the CEO) and see if there's anything for me there. Hussein loves me." Hussein really does love me, he's one of the nice gentlemen I've ever met. So H says, "You should, you're right he does love you. You can tell him your [censored] husband left you. He'd love that, he hates me anyway. He'd hate me more for leaving you." I said, "Really, he hates you? I never knew that." H: "Well, he probably hates me since I left." Me: "H, btw, if anyone hates you, it wouldn't be for what you're doing to me, it'd be for what you are doing to the kids." Man, it felt good.

Spoke to the MC we are going to next week to try to improve our communication. She's awesome and we talked for at least 30 minutes on the situation. She was very supportive of my feelings and told me he probably does have someone waiting and to prepare for it. She said she was committed to helping us through our problems for our kids, though said he probably won't just snap out of it and realize the errors of his ways. I told her not to worry, I know now that that isn't going to happen. He's too far gone.

Now I'm seeing him for who he has become and I like him less and less and feel less like I'm losing the good guy I married. He isn't worth too many more of my tears.