You couldn't be me even if you wanted to...

[Sugar and Spice]

H and I had quite a long talk tonight about a lot of things, but a couple of things that he said really make me wonder.

He said that he has always lived his life for someone else, his mom and then me and he likes just living for himself. That he likes not having to answer to anyone else.

He also said that he is afraid to really try and figure out if he is "done" with our R. That its what hes been afraid of since the beginning. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I think he has been done for a long time, he is just scared to admit it to himself and is waiting for me to do it.

I told him I thought it was interesting that he has seemed to recreate with OW exactly what he walked away from (a R now with a baby on the way.) I also told him that I felt like I have been replaced ever since the beginning. That he acts like he did when we were together.

I really don't know how to feel other than this seems to be one step closer to the end. H made a promise to me a couple of weeks ago that he would come home and give it a real try, but I feel like I extorted that promise from him because it was made after an emotional conversation and we were both in tears. How do I make him understand that I only want him to try because its really what he wants and not to fulfill some strange obligation? I still know that until the gambling (day 8 of no gambling --because the free black-jack tourney didn't count as gambling...lol) is a thing of the past and the Troll and her offspring are squared away, then there isn't really anything to work on or towards, its just really hard. I guess some sick part of me is STILL willing to fight, but why?