Can't believe I've now been here long enough to have a locked thread ,and to change forums. When is this hell going to end?
Well, since I'm in a new forum, I'll introduce myself and give a brief background. Me 37, H 37, D6 and D2. H dropped the bomb 2 months ago that he doesn't love me anymore, knows he never will again ,and wants a divorce. I got a whopping 1 week of counseling before he declared "I'm done. I know I'm done".
He moved out this past Monday ,and as I type this he is in my kitchen right now eating with our girls. He is living at a friends and it's over an hour away. Logistically between his work schedule (cop) and where he's living and our young daughters bedtimes, he has to visit them HERE on his work nights. We live a half hour from town, and so disappearing each time he is here is just not going to happen every time.
I disappeared on Tuesday night (went grocery shopping, ran errands etc.) but tonight I am now sitting here in my bedroom, on the laptop. Desperately wanting to see him and be with them, yet knowing I'm not welcome.
I really have always thought I was a strong person. I have survived a lot. Childhood sexual abuse, my Dad dying in a horrible car accident when I was 22, my Mom having a total Mental Breakdown 2 years ago (this played largely into why I am now here with H, with the stress of the last 2 years), and now this.
But I think I'm finally at my breaking point. I'm worn down. I'm not strong enough. I love this man, I want my marriage and I can't believe that my partner of 12 years has just walked. How on EARTH do you all do it for months and even years.
I just don't feel strong enough.
I waited ALL day to see him. So excited, and then when he gets here I"m just filled with incredible sadness.
Help, anyone here want to chat with my on my thread while I"m "hiding out?"
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I've been getting together with my girlfriends, starting therapy again, hopefully next week (had a bad experience with the first one and quit). I've lost a lot of weight through this, and hope to keep it going so planning to start yoga with some friends, and been doing a lot with my girlfriends and their kids.
Right now I totally admit it. I'm still in "just surviving" mode.
I did get a sweet spa gift certificate with some friends on an online board I've been on for 10 years, so I hope to use that soon. And I've went shopping for some new duds (mostly out of necessity).
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
That sounds like a good start! Getting the focus off of him will help you survive, even thrive, though it doesn't feel like it now. (I know, I only half belive it myself, but if I say it enough times, maybe it will be true, right?)
Of course, taking care of the kids, and having good times with them never hurts, either!
Yeah, I try that "If I say it enough I'll start to believe it" stuff too, and so far nada.
Doesn't help that I've always been the pessimest anyway. H and I balanced each other. He was the eternal optimist, and now we find ourselves in opposite roles. He has NO optimism for us, and I have ALL the optimism in the world for what we could have together. So ironic.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I'm in the Mountain Time zone, sort of! Just always standard time, so it looks like the Pacific during daylight savings time for the rest of the country!
Yes, that will be the name of my next thread ,because I say it everyday.
I SUCK at this DB thing. I don't even know what I'm doing on this board because I'm the biggest DB failure!
Just call me the queen of cheesless tunnels!
So H just finished getting the girls to bed and then came in to talk. We're chit chatting. I asked how he was liking the new place. HE said he has been sleeping really well which has been good ,but other than that he really hasn't spent any time there. Then I stupidly said.. "So you think you'll be there quite awhile?", to which he said... "I don't know".
Then enter the blubbering mess I ALWAYS become. To which I look at him and I say...... "H, I want you to think before you respond and really think through this answer and don't just knee jerk your response".........*insert BIG DEEP BREATH* "Do you want me to give up on us and you? Do you want me to give up my hope for us?"
To which after a long pause he says....... "Maybe you should". And I said....... "I think you say that because you don't want me to be hurt, but that's not what I asked".
To which he says.. "I don't want to hurt you, you're right"
So I say again. "But do YOU want me to?"
He just started at me long and hard and never answered.
Good or bad? I don't know. I'm an idiot though, because we are separated, he stinkin' RAN away from home because I was doing R talks daily, and then I STILL freakin' badger him with stuff.
GOD, somebody SMACK me please! I am just the biggest DB failure!
Chris
Last edited by 7 Year Itch; 06/20/0803:54 AM.
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
