Hi everyone. I'm feeling more than a bit odd today. Rather restless, agitated, bored. Funny, it seems that when I don't have work occupying my mind, a rumbling of dissatisfaction creeps in.
I just can't help this feeling that things are going "back to usual" with H (CJ) and I. A year ago I would have leapt at the chance for this.
Now???? I wonder if it is enough. I feel like there are unanswered questions. And CJ if you're reading this, feel free to respond to some of these, PLEASE!
For example, I'm really not clear on why CJ decided to stay with me. He was SO sure he did not love me, or at least not "the way a husband should love a wife".
My question is "What has changed?". Because honestly, I don't really feel any more loved than I did before. I don't feel desired. I wonder if he is here mainly because OW showed her true colours and turned out to be a head case.
I asked CJ the other day how he was doing, how he was feeling. He said "Good". But he didn't return the question.
I feel rather numb. I'm working a lot, the days are flying by. Our physical intimacy is barely a blip on the screen.
I appreciate that he is doing LOTS of the work around the house and yard, most of the cooking. He's taken care of things like our medical insurance, all good stuff.
But I still feel something is missing.
I asked him yesterday why he doesn't seem to want to go out to the bars as much. (We had the option to join a pal, but both decided we'd rather go to a movie). I mentioned him going out 2 or 3 times a week several months ago.
He fixed on those numbers instead of answering the question. "I didn't go out 3 times a week!".
What I wanted to hear (and told him so) was "I don't feel the need to escape our home, I'm not as interested in that largely singles scene, I have more fun doing other stuff with you..."
So, as the title says "What do I want from life?" Good question...now to work on the answer...
