Sorry I have not been around for a few days, just been busy doing stuff for me.
Listen, I agree totally with those who say its a slap in the face with what you h did to you.
I agree totally with abbysdad. My pop up timer just went off, I am now in the process of moving on for me. Now is all about me.
I have found out from someone today as a matter of fact that confirmed my thoughts as of late. That my h did have an affair with my best friend two years ago. I was fooled by both of them slapped in the face by both of them.
You will move on, just like everyone here. I have spent the last weeks breaking things up with h, my own checking account, my own credit card, doing what I want. I have not been home one night this week before 11pm. I hope this will continue thru the weekend.
I am now moving towards the divorce. I dont want to be with this person whom h has become. He absolutely refuses to stop seeing her, he wants to marry her and be a father to her three kids. For me to continue to heal, i have made the decision to let him go. For the more I try to hang on to him, the worse it is for me.
I am getting my own life, and right you ned to do the same for you.
Just tonight I said to h, when am i up for a new phone, he is like why, I am like well I want off your contract, and onto my own. He looked at me like I had 12 heads. I just calmly said, h this is what you want, me out of your life, I am just taking steps to get it done for you don't seem to want to do any of it. H says he will call tomorrow, I want a new phone and contract by the end of the month. I want this
ITs ok to be sad right now, but heal yourself you must for you D. It will all come in time, trust me.
hugs bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
And I'd be very careful in this instance about dating. Yes, it would drive him crazy to think about you dating. But in this case, I'd be afraid he'd lash out at you by trying to screw you over in some way. Wait until the legal stuff is settled before you let him know ANYTHING about you dating, okay???
Ellie
I completely agree. You will be better off without dating.
maryangela, this guy wants/needs to win. Let him think he's winning.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I agree, too. Winning is what matters to him. So, manipulate him a bit, and let him think he is winning. Once it is over, he'll realize he didn't win, and there won't be a thing he can do about it. You have taken the control from him, don't give it back!
For the purposes of clarity, I will write a pro/con list of h:
1. had affair and lied 2. tried to take d from me using mental health card 2. his insane mother and sister (no boundaries) 3. he has MAJOR OCD issues (clean freak) 4. put lock box on theromstat and carried key around with him like Schniedier on "one day at a time" 5. whenever I was feeling down and wanted to talk he would roll his eyes and say, "go tell it to your therapist" 6. last fall when I was feeling really depressed (wonder why) before bomb and went to hospital (didn't stay) he only asked me ONCE casually if I was "ok" and never brought it up again 7. I have had to hide my meds because he thinks only "crazy people" take AD (he has a f'ing masters degree!) 8. told me I was a sh#tty mother 9. was never affectionate -- never. only during sex 10. rarely said I love you just to say it -- had major emotional issues 11. lied about a kid who kept coming to our apartment in nyc for a year saying he was a student -- turned out he was a pot dealer! 12. drinks AT LEAST one gin and tonic a night followed by 4 beers between 7-9pm to "go to sleep" 13. has always told "little lies" and admitted he did so just to "shut me up" 14. never stood up for me with regards to his everybody loves raymond family 15. I had to take MYSELF to the emergency room when I had a bad reactoin to a med and when I got home 8 hours later, barely asked me how I was 16. ALWAYS wierd about his mail. for the longest he had it sent to his parents, then to a p.o. box
I could go on.
Pro:
1. Funny - makes me laugh hysterically 2. good father to d -- very involved 3. paid bills on time
1. Funny? Rent comedies. I'm thinking you'll be laughing at him soon enough anyhow. 2. Good father? Well, aside from that lil taking her away from her mother thang and leaving her without heat... hopefully he'll be a great father and always there for d5. 3. Paid bills on time? Cool. CS should be there in a timely manner so you can plan your life accordingly.
so h and i are almost legally seperated. papers will be signed this week. I got primary custody (yeah, me and d!).
I have d here no (thank god). she will be with me for the next 10 days and then will go off to day camp near h and I will have her on the weekends until aug. 23rd in time for school -- then it's back to mon-fri for me and weekends for h. it's all set in stone now so he can't pull any tricks or he'll get arrested, literally.
d got me up early and we went out shopping and other things. when h and I met last night to do the exchange, we had a fight (unfortanetly in front of d). he didn't give me the check he was supposed to give me and he knows I'll be calling lawyer first thing monday morning. He called later last night and said he was sorry. not just for the check, but for everything. I was actually really surprised. he hasn't apologized for anything. he said he was sorry about leaving, about the affair, about not working on the marriage prior to making the decision about having the affair. he says he very much wants us to be "frieds" and wants to meet just me and him to talk about it. I said he has hurt me so much between , not just the affair, but the lies and what he pulled with d, not to mention the car and other things. he said, he knows and that he feels incredibly embarrased and can't believe he did those things.
he is still with ow and he "loves her". He is sorry it turned out this way and it "just happened". he says he wants me to find happiness and he wants us to be good parents to d.
I asked what brought on all this "I'm sorry" stuff, and he said that he realized that he took things way too far and was angry. he wanted out of the marriage or at least to "fix" the marriage last fall and didn't know how. he admitted that he nkows he's not "good with communicating" and he realizes that is a big part of what led him to the affair.
but at this point, according to him, he loves this other person and he really feels that regardless if they last he made the right choice by leaving and that we will both be happier in the end.
Whatever.
I was kind, validated his feelings, didn't yell at him, but I def. didn't or will not give him a "prize" for his "soul-searching". He told me that no one deserves to be treated the way he's treated me the last months and whether I realize it or not the guilt has been killing him.
Again, whatever. for d's sake, I will be open to having a better co-parenting relationship with him and now that I know that he can't threaten me anymore with custody or legal stuff I am in a stronger position with him. he doesn't scare me anymore.
He admits that it was wrong what he pulled with d.
again, he's not getting any metals from me.
the thing is, once again, driving around today with d, today would have been SUCH a family day with the three of us --, I felt a twinge of sadness. you guys gotta realize that just FOUR short months ago we were still a family unit (before bomb) and it's SO FAST! I tried explaining that to him. He said he finally realizes that it was wrong for him for me to "get with the program" so fast.
so he wants this life with ow and her child. it's just amazing to me. again, if you would have told me this was going to happen 6 months ago, I would have told you you were nuts.
I still think of him as my husband and in a way I always will as he is the father of my child.
One nice thing he DID say was that he feels so glad that I am the mother of his child and he doesn't regret that or our life together for a second.
Well, I guess ow has more to offer, but I didn't say that to him.
I suppose that they are a solid couple and my d will (actually has been without my knowledge) around her, I have to meet her at some point. It looks like they really are going to be together. I don't think this is just a typical affair. It really feels like his next "real" relationship. Nothing I can do but accept that.
