yes, I'm still feeling sad about h, but his behavior is making it easier for me to let go. he's not the man I have lived with for 7 years.
I'm db'ing for me and d. period. I was unhappy in the marriage long before the bomb was dropped and I can see that now. this is forcing me to GAL, things I should have done long, long ago.
As scary and hard as that is for me, it's time for me to grow up.
as we are finalizing money stuff for lawyers, h and I had another talk. he told me that he met ow a year ago, right after he started new job up here. that they "kept running into eachother" - whatever that means. He swears that it didn't turn physical until after he "broke up with me" (I swear to god, his words, like junior high) at the end of Feb. That sometime in Jan. they "confessed" their feelings for eachother but "knew" they had to "wait" until he told me it was over.
During this whole thing since he dropped initial bomb, I've never really asked about her. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. He told me he never planned on this happening and if he hadn't met her, he'd still be here. Meeting her and developing a friendship with her made he "realize" how unhappy he was.
I feel like such a f'ing fool. We had such a great summer. Yard sales, auctions, working on our house. I had ZERO clue he was interested in someone else. Zero. We were making plans for the future, trips, stuff with the house. WE always talked about how lucky we were that d would have 2 parents together -- I'm talking we spoke this way 6 months ago!! wtf???
I know I can analyze this forever and it isn't going to change anything. And I said something to him that was so stupid. I said, "what is it about her that is so incredible that you were willing to break up your family for and hurt so many people?" and he basically said he didn't have an answer.
I know I asked for it by "going there", but it hurts so much. We were a family. I thought we always had that. Solid. Never in a million years did Ithink he was even capable of this.
It's no consolation, and does nothing to take your hurt away, but know that those very same words you wrote have been written by hundreds or thousands of people on this sight alone.
There is no explanation for someone doing something as heinous as destroying a family. And there's no excuse for either the spouse who leaves or the incredibly weak person who welcomes them in.
But what can we do?
We are made of different stuff I suppose.
We come from a time or culture where marriage is a lifetime together. A commitment through thick and thin, good times and bad times, with there never being an option out. We are people who take commitment seriously and value the integrity of our word. And when our children come, we place their well being far above any other pursuit in our life.
Others, like your husband and my ex-wife, do not have that inside of them. At some point they have decided that their personal happiness was more important than a promise. That the need for a new rush was more valuable than a whole and healthy family.
There simply is no explanation.
The fact that we are essentially powerless to change it is heartbreaking.
You will surive though. And there is much life still to be lived, savored, and enjoyed. I live my life each day with expectation and anticipation. And I hope each day that the day will come that my ex-wife has that moment of clarity where she realizes what she did and what she lost.
You will surivive.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
gabbysmom -- I so relate to what you are saying. it's such a slap in the face. this time last year we were a solid family, at least that's what I thought. the fact that he told me he's known this chick for a yEAR and that they were "just friends" until he "broke up with me" (his words) in feb when it changed is so insulting and gross.
whatever happened to commitment? to vows? to being there through good times and bad?
My therapist today told me he's incapable of real commitment and has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I believe this is true.
I hear what both of you are saying because I have all those thoughts too. I was feeling so betrayed and "slapped in the face" too. I mean I used last years bonus on a trip to Hawaii in March and within a few weeks, W was cheating. I wasted so much money on her the last 12 months and what did I get in return....a cheating W, a broken family and split time with D.
But in the last week, I given up on even thinking about it. Sure I get down every now and then but I quickly try to think of something else. I chat with friends, family...go do stuff for me and for D. I can tell you both it easier and easier if you stop beating yourself up about it.
The other thing that helps is knowing that my W is not the real W I married. Its some imposter and maybe she'll snap out of it in a month, two years or never. If its never, than would I even want to be married to her. No. Two years? I might have moved on by then. Who knows.
I do know that she wanted freedom to find her....so I'm using this new freedom to find me. I'm actually starting to enjoy this.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
great advise - you are so right. h is NOT the person I thought he was. perhaps he NEVER was what I thought he was and that is the reality I am facing. but I'll tell you one thing. I"m a loving person. I'm a loyal person. and the next guy who comes in my life (you hear my gabbysmom??) will be LUCKY!! I have integrity. I have the emotional maturity to stick it out when the going gets rough and ALL relationships have ups and downs.
And here's the truth. this may be against db, but even if by some miracle h left ow and wanted to come back, unless he had IC or something, how could I trust him? what if I have depression again? what if I don't do things the way he likes or say the wrong thing or WHATEVER??? he has SHOWN me clearly that he can't be a committed partner. I can't live like that. I thought i had that, but reality has shown me otherwise.
If you get into that place where you want him back right now, remember, bluff or not, this man stole your child, threatened to use personal things against you to keep your child away from you FOREVER, stole your car, lied and lied, yelled and yelled, until he was backed into a corner. Then he was nice again.
I am not saying its over forever, but wow, mary, please think of the times you just went through. Its ok to mourn H and the loss of an intact family, but stop the R talks, keep it to business only and try to heal yourself right now.
Yeah, maryangela - it's not about the affair. Good men can fall prey to the dopamine high of an affair.
It's about his weird, abusive, controlling way of trying to deprive you of fair custody of your daughter. THAT'S the reason you shouldn't want him back. THAT says something creepy about his personality. And I'm betting, the farther you get from him, the more clear if will become to you that he always was a sick puppy.
I've seen a lot of stories in my years on this board. MOST guys who fall into affairs do a lot of crazy and despicable things, but MOST of them have the decency not to try to win total custody from the spouse they left behind. (Sadly, this is not so true of the women WASs). Your H is different from most, he has a weird streak in him. Be wary. Get things settled legally, then have as little as possible to do with him.
And I'd be very careful in this instance about dating. Yes, it would drive him crazy to think about you dating. But in this case, I'd be afraid he'd lash out at you by trying to screw you over in some way. Wait until the legal stuff is settled before you let him know ANYTHING about you dating, okay???
