It's 105. I think that qualifies. Though it is supposed to be hotter tomorrow and Saturday.
I think you are about right on W. She thinks (or seems to) that I controlled her, and that she wasn't strong enough to stand up for herself. I never saw that, but it's her perception. And so now, everything that came out of that is my fault. Not much I can do about that!
It takes time for them to work past the anger/resentment. But by your registration date, lots of time has passed. You seem like such a fun, sweet, GOOD man... it's so hard to understand why your wife is having such a hard time moving forward. sigh. she's lucky to have you. so are your boys. and cat!
so are we really going to allegedly go rafting??? if you're serious, i'm serious, mister!
oh, and in a month, you'll be thinking 105 was a crisp, spring day!
((((((jeff))))))
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I think she feels that somehow she has been inadequate because she depended on me for so long. The weird thing is that somehow that turns into my fault, which I can't really explain!
If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears!
OK, I really will try to read through all previous 23 threads, but for now can you clarify for me why she was dependant on you. Are there medical reasons, was she a stay at home Mom? Just trying to figure out if I have the right perspective before I reply. I have some thoughts coming from a Stay at home Mom with some sort of similar baggage.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
At bit below the middle of the second page is the first summary of the situation. Of course, there is more since then, and stuff all through the other threads. And if you read them, I hope you enjoy them! Every has a link to the previous one in the first post. Far enough back you'll find links to the first seven or so, before that go to be too much of a pain!
OK, I will tell you my perspective on that with our situation, and perhaps it might give some insight to what your w might be feeling, although obviously elevated.
H and I were both very much in agreement about me being a SAHM. We both agreed it was the best ,and a very important JOB. Now I put JOB in caps, because somewhere along the way, I started to feel that H did not truly value my contributions to the family, and didn't see it as my JOB.
He'd "say" the right things. He'd make comments about how ahead our girls were in certain areas due to all the work I do at home with them etc. Then finances got really tight. He was having to work more and more off duty jobs (he's a cop). He wanted me to look for a part time job. Well, he's also on the SWAT team and on call 24/7. At the time we had NO one that could take the girls with NO notice should I have been at work, and he got called out on something. I tried to get a job a few times and was upfront with the perspective employers about this situation. I assured them it didn't happen all THAT often ,but that very occasionally there could be times that I'd have to leave on very short notice.
As you can imagine, that went over well. I could not find a job. So I worked on trying hard to find employment at home. Luckily, I found it, and it paid well for a couple years. Then the company I was with folded ,and we were back to H having to work a lot of off duty jobs etc.
Resentment built. I don't think he has a true perspective (still doesn't) on what my days truly look like. I'm not home eating bon bons and watching the soaps. He was working his BUTT off, and saw me at home with the girls, and while he STILL will not outwardly admit it, I know resentment grew.
As I sensed his resentment, the compliments from him about my JOB with girls didn't come anymore, and I started to feel more and more devalued. Unfortunately, society doesn't give a SAHM much sense of worth since you aren't paid, and their aren't necessarily benchmarks for success as a SAHM, so when I stopped getting the "support" from the one person who's support meant the world to me, I started in turn to build resentment back.
He always loved my independance, and intellect, and somewhere along the way, I think HE started to view me the way much of society views SAHM's and well, it hurt (and still does).
So after that long winded response, I guess in our situation, simple compliments and acknowledgment about the JOB I was doing would have gone a long way. It's VERY hard to feel dependant on someone ,but strangely I never felt that way when I truly felt that my contribution was as equally valued.
It was only in the last couple years that I started to feel "dependant", and it came more from things he "wasn't" doing (acknowledgement, compliments etc.......) rather than things he WAS doing if that makes sense.
It really does a number on your self esteem, and it is about a 1000 times worse when you feel that from your spouse. You already get it so much from society, that to have your own spouse look at you in a "less than" light, is really devestating.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Unfortunately, society doesn't give a SAHM much sense of worth since you aren't paid, and their aren't necessarily benchmarks for success as a SAHM, so when I stopped getting the "support" from the one person who's support meant the world to me, I started in turn to build resentment back.
Chris, I think that society's valuation of the SAHM is one of the big problems in my situation. I always tried to be very supportive of her, and told her often. But, I don't think it was enough. I don't think I could have done enough. So, she has transferred all of her resentment of society onto me. She has said that she wishes she'd never quit her job, though for the first 15 years, at least, she never said that.
She also holds a lot of resentment for her perception of a woman's role in our society in general, and again, I get the blame, being male. She has complained to me more than one, and even relatively recently, about high school classmates telling her not to go to college, because she'd never find a man that way! That was before I even knew her, and I still get the blame!
I've always supported anything she wanted to do, and she never said a thing about going back to work until just a few years ago, when she made the plan to go back to take care of helping the kids through college. Which she also resents, because she thinks it is my fault we hadn't saved enough. So, she resents me because she stopped working, and she resents me because she went back. Sometimes it feels a bit like a Catch-22!
Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them, and I think there is some, no a lot, of truth to them. The problem for me is that it seems that her resentment of "society" is transferred to me, no matter what I do!
