Brandnewday here's a lomg recap and what I've been up to in the last year.
Recap June 2005 First Bomb:
Her complaints towards me at that time were that I did not assume my proper share of the work around the house, I was controlling and that I was consumed by my hobbies and she wished that I made her my hobby. I was shell shocked as I never considered the possibility that we would not be together forever. I researched her emotions at the time to try to diagnose what was going on and thought that it was a mid life crisis. Unfortunately I did not know of DB and how to deal with it.
Things were ugly for a couple of months during which she wanted to move out for a month to think things through. She never did when push came to shove she told me she did not want to move out. For the last two years I took everything to heart that she complained about me. I felt like a terrible husband and responsible for bringing us to this point. As a result I spent the last two years changing to address all her complaints. I assumed as much of the work around the house as I could, I paid all the bills, I was the parent that spent the most time on my daughter, I focused on my W completely to make her my hobby and I encouraged her to spend time on herself to “further” her personal goals. I use the word “further” because she already had alot of her own time to pour into work and pursue her career which was very successful and also spend time training for and competing in triathlons and marathons. During the last two years her training hours increased while still spending quite alot of hours at work. During this time it felt like the marriage was saved as there was no further talk of leaving. It seemed like things were back to normal. However, I noticed that after two years of putting all this effort into the marriage she was not equally reciprocating. When I approached her about this she said she had no energy to put into the marriage and we now ended up back where we were two years ago. The last two years in my mind did two things (1) It proved that I could change but unfortunately I was making changes in response to MLC influenced complaints rather than valid complaints (2) It put the MLC to sleep only to be awoken once again when I brought up the subject of not contributing equally to the M.
June 2007 Second Bomb:
She said she felt controlled by everyone and wanted me to move out for a month during which she would decide what to do with the rest of her life. This included career goals (she did not know where her career which peaked two years ago was going) her parents (they are old and sick and becoming quite dependent) and the M.
I agreed thinking that if I didn’t things would just get worse. A week after I moved out she called to meet with a separation agreement that she compiled herself. We have been physically separated ever since and have completed a legal separation.
June 2007 until now:
When you separate and leave the matrimonial home your whole life is turned upside down, you no longer have the emotional relationship with your spouse, you no longer have the home you worked so hard on and you know longer have someone doing the things in the marriage that your spouse took care of . There are a lot of issues to deal with in a separation in addition to the emotional loss of a spouse. I spent the last year turning my life rightside up. I thought that if there was a chance of reconciliation I wanted to be in a position of balance where I was grounded in a new home, was self confident, was taking care of everything myself and that the only thing that needed to be discussed was the emotional aspect of a relationship. I didn’t want to be in the state of desperation I experienced in June 2007 with not knowing how I was going to live.
I lived the last year learning how to do all the things she did in our marriage so I could be independent. Things like how to buy a house, financial investing, filing taxes, etc. I spent the last year learning all these things and did not once need to ask her for any advice. I stayed active with hobbies, completed my SCUBA certification, completed my private pilot licence and exercised (swim, bike and run). This summer I am doing triathlons and have a trip planned to climb Killimanjero.
I am both proud and happy with myself. I know how to take care of myself and will be able to move on if I have to. I have detached significantly and do not get as upset or angry as I used to. I have also learned patience and compassion more than I imagined possible for me in light of the events that have occured. I realize there are always two sides to each story and you are never 100% right. However, I still really miss my wife and would like my future to be with her.
