Well, I just got the internet hooked up at my house. Nice to not go across the way to get online but I'm so conditioned to doing that and only having a few minutes that now I can't seem to find anything to say. lol Knowing me, I'll think of something. :-)
I feel confused and wanting to back away. I'm just going to type and see if it all comes together in the end. lol
I got some reassurance that I needed this weekend. Yes, there's no doubt that he loves me. And yes, there's no doubt that he enjoys my company. And yes, there's no doubt that we both are making positive changes....BUT.....*sigh* do I want to do this? Do I want to trust again? I'm scared. I'm sure he is, too. Then there's the other women....yeah, not so sure I'll ever get past them. Not so sure I can ever trust him again to not go there.
I was wondering if he and the OW had broken it off. I looked at her myspace page on Monday and saw that she took off the thing about having a wonderful boyfriend. I checked on her friends page and saw that OW had left a comment about a breakup but couldn't tell if it was her breakup or her friends. So, I logged into his email (which I now feel so sick about because I really don't want to get into that bad habit again). There was nothing anywhere to or from her that I hadn't already seen (and even that wasn't really much of anything). Then I logged onto his messenger and saw all kinds of names of women. Checked the profiles of some of them. One was a woman that I had found out about a year and a half ago. She's older and a grandmother (but still younger than me). Back then, I had talked to her at length and told her in no uncertain terms to stay away from him. Apparently, she decided otherwise. Whatever. She's not really a threat to me just the fact that she's still around bothers me.
I know I'm obsessing about other women right now but truthfully, that is the main thing that I just cannot tolerate or control. Other problems between us, I can see them working out. In fact, I'm already seeing progress. But other women? I don't know. It's HIS character flaw. I really don't believe it's about me not cutting it as a woman or a lover or whatever. It's his problem so how do I improve myself to make his problem go away? I can't.
We had a good weekend and it feels like a corner has been turned but nothing is being said. He called today to get the number for housing and transportation because he needs to start that process. The movers get booked quickly. His orders say he reports to Bening on August 1 but he doesn't graduate school until July 24. There's not enough time between dates to clear. I wish the orders would change. I wish he would get reassigned to some really sweet job here. I've seen it happen before. I'm really getting worried that he's going to want to work things out and have me and the kids move to GA and I will be faced with that horrible decision between my husband and my child. Normally, that wouldn't be a question. But considering the hell he has put this family through, I don't feel he has earned that privilege of us making such a sacrifice for him anymore. Not to mention that it will be hard enough to work on making the marriage healthy living here but to put the strain and tension of a PCS move to another state on top of it? I think that is just inviting disaster. Or maybe it's just because I've been there, done that, got abandoned.
