My H hasn't been willing to be transparent, both for reasons that have only to do with him and because I have not been a safe place to disclose. He would not have been wrong to expect me to be very angry and vindictive and of course he would have been scared to lose access to the kids.
However, DBing has apparently made me a safe place. I can't even believe I'm going to type this, but it's apparently true:
Wednesday afternoon, driving to pick up my kids from school, I came to the conclusion that I had to ask him to move out, because I simply couldn't take the constant shocks that the last several years of my marriage have been. The cell phone bill (which I opened because I open and pay all the bills, I had no idea it wasn't one of our usual bills) was just the last straw, that despite my efforts he was still lying to me and probably would never stop.
My H came straight from the airport to our D's grad ceremony. He was friendly and so was I - he kissed me in front of my mother, which he hasn't done during this entire thing. I put it down to being horny after almost a week without sex and continued to be friendly, but not really friendly, if you know what I mean. He took our S home and I went with our D to a friend's place, so the girls could spend a bit more time together on their almost-last-day of school (today was their last day).
I got home after my H was asleep, and stayed up a bit longer just to make sure. I didn't want to deal with sex until we had had a chance to talk. He woke up a bit, enough to put his arms around me. After a while, we said good night and he gave me such a wonderful, tender kiss. I'm still thinking 'he wants sex', but he ended up just moving away from me and going to sleep. That kiss was sure melting my resolve to ask him to leave, though.
This morning, he said that HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME EVERYTHING! That it was the only way to go forward. I'm still amazed. Even more amazing was that he also told me that he LOVES ME!! TWICE!! That he couldn't tell me that before because of all the secrets between us, and that he's not sure that I will still love him after he tells me 'his story'.
I told him that I had decided to ask him to leave, since I had given up hope that he would ever stop lying to me and he said he could tell that I'd made a decision when he saw me at grad.
I've had a smile on my face all day. I know that what he's going to tell me will not be easy to hear (or to say), but I think I can handle it. Someone remind me I said that when I'm weeping on the floor, okay?
Anyway, now we have to find some uninterrupted time to talk - more difficult, now that there isn't any school. Perhaps we'll just rent a couple of movies for the kids and lock ourselves in the bedroom, but it really would be better if they weren't here at all. I'm sure we'll think of something, but I want it to be soon, while he's still feeling strong enough to tell it all.
He said that watching what I've done 'for him' in the last 8 months has made him feel that if I can do it (change so much), he can do it.
It is totally weird to be this excited about something that really isn't that good, my H's confessions of ongoing infidelities? Maybe I won't love him anymore afterwards, but at least I'll no longer feel like I'm constantly surrounded by shadowy things I can't see, or that I'm in constant danger of finding something upsetting that I didn't know about or have been lied to about.
