klm if you read back a few messages you will see that is where I was at......making myself happy......
I realize that, but your posts still involve how OM makes you feel, and how your H doesn't make you feel.
Sorry if I offended you, but I was just trying to be honest. I really don't think you will see what your H means to you until he is gone. Kinda like you don't know what you have until it's gone. That is why I suggested taking a break from both of them.
I think I see something here, but maybe I'm reading into it. I see it in many threads. It is the desire to fix the problem very quickly. And the person gets busy busy trying to fix the problem, but in doing so may even make the problem worse by getting frustrated or frustrating the other spouse. You did not get where you are in a week, a month, or even a year. And you will not fix it in a week, or a month, perhaps in a year you will. It is slow and steady that wins this race. At least if by winning you mean repairing your marriage to the point where it is satisfying to both of you.
Obsessing will not do you good, in my opinion. You and your husband should work on this by having good times together, by being thoughtful of each other and doing and sharing nice things, and by going to Retrouvaille and counseling and talking about your feelings. It will be one small step at a time. And sometimes things won't go as planned, and it may backslide a little.
While books can help, and other peoples' opinions might help, if you try a new technique each day you will get frustrated. And getting frustrated is counterproductive.
What do you need to succeed? Have you read Eat Pray Love yet? It talks about quieting the mind, taking control of the mind. Do you control your thoughts or do your thoughts control you? Is this the way you want it to be? If your mind is beyond your control and your thoughts and feelings are controlling you, the chance that you will find longterm happiness are slim. The problem is your mind is out of control. You need to rein it in and start controlling not just your actions but your thoughts. Keep them productive.
What are unproductive thoughts? Comparisons for one thing. You know it's unfair to compare your kids. Johnny is good at baseball; why isn't my son good at baseball? Sally gets all A's; why can't my kid do well in school? These are unproductive thoughts in childrearing. And equally so are thoughts comparing one man to another. You are married to the man you chose to marry. This wasn't an accident. You were happy with him. Now you are looking for happiness elsewhere. Now he falls short in comparison to others.
There is always someone better out there. If what you want is the most exciting, sexual, complimentary husband you can buy, then you need to comparison shop for husbands for the rest of your life. If what you want is an enduring relationship, someone who will be there for you when you are sick, or when your son is sick, then you need to build that relationship. And your husband is there waiting for you to do that with.
My advice at this point is to take it slowly, one day at a time. Be the best wife you can be, and ask your husband to work with you on this. If you give it the time and put in the effort, you will win. If you doubt yourself, you create the environment for failure.
klm, my posts involve my thoughts....however screwed up they are.......My H and I were separated for 3 years. I wasn't with OM the whole 3 years. I know what it is like to not have him at home. H started making some changes FINALLY after 3 years, and I realize I want to keep my family and marriage, but I am unhappy and depressed in this process. I need help in this process. I am really trying and I was sharing my struggles even though I want to succeed so bad.
Sara, you know where I am at. I've said often, I think I just need time. It is true.
I think telling my thoughts here was a bad idea. I think I will just keep those inside and speak only about something when there is progress. I hear you when you say the obsessing won't help....I will try not to, I think I recently said I need to use the thoughtstopping technique. And, I'm just going to stop sharing when the thoughtstopping doesn't work.
My thoughts do seem to control me, and this book saffie recommended is helping me see that, but I JUST got the book.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sara. I tend to reread everyone's thoughts over and over and gain more insight on a new day. Today I'm feeling more depressed than ever.
As I said, it's not just you. I could put that same post on about 4 threads right now, with only minor changes. I posted it here because I thought you would be the most receptive. You are doing fine. It is a slow process, and I suffered with depression when I went through it also. Thank God for Saffie. She was there every day for me. I remember walking around saying, "Can you fix an broken husband?" And my secret answer was "no". But now it's over a year later, and we are both fixed. When did it happen? I couldn't say. It was slow, almost imperceptible, but the doubts slowly evaporated. And I don't have them at all now.
And I do think our hormones make us subject to depression. My sister has a theory that we are completely driven by our hormones -- all our feelings of love and lust, happy, sad, nothing but hormones. I tried checking the theory with my daughter who is a PhD student in Neuroscience, and she said, "yes, that likely is true." So there you go, it's all in our body chemistry, not even in our minds! But I take it back. Keep working on mind control, it does exist.
You said: I remember walking around saying, "Can you fix an broken husband?" And my secret answer was "no". But now it's over a year later, and we are both fixed. When did it happen? I couldn't say. It was slow, almost imperceptible, but the doubts slowly evaporated. And I don't have them at all now.
I soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needed to hear that.
Hmmm...hormones huh?...as I look at my calendar and realize what time of the month it is..... OK, mind control....back to reading my book and being nice to my H.
I have not posted in your thread. I am in piecing and don't post a lot anymore about my own sitch. I just want to say that the ladies here give very good advice. It is difficult to follow all the advice. You are already trying very hard to DB. Give yourself credit for that.
I have heard my H said many things that you have said here. the comparision, "the pull is very strong", the depression, the good feelings that OW gave him. It is the hormones working and it is difficult to fight.
Like Sara said, there is always someone better out there. My H's OW could very well be a better match for my H. But it is how you value commitment. Love can be created. If you are commited to your M and determined to make it work, that becomes your goal and you will find way to creat the love between you and your H, and decrease the affection with OM, and find ways to make the M work. My H has told me that it's easier to just leave. He chose not to. We are in piecing now. It has not been easy so don't expect life will be good just like that. I think you are already in a good place in that you want to make this work. and your H is also working hard to make this work. I truly believe that if you two are really commited to this, you will get through this period.
IMHO, the key is makeing up your mind and be certain that you want to be commited to this M and make it work. That's a choice you have to make for yourself and truly believe in it. Once you are commited, then you take steps to get there. That may means different things for each couple. May be create romantic times togetehr, being nice to H, have H do nice things for you, do things together, fake/force yourself to being happy, whatever works. And understand that affection to OM will still be there but the key is having expectation that this will happen but don't act on it.
Seeing what my H went through, I know this is a very difficult period. I am not at the end yet so I can't tell you it is "happily ever after". But I think my M is much better than before.
I was thinking more about what the OM "feeds" me. OM adores me, says constantly there is nothing he'd change about me, is proud of me, loves to "show me off", etc. H can try to do these things, too, but I don't seem to "feel it" from him. Am I just making it a fantasy? It sure doesn't seem like a fantasy.
He's FEEDING you fantasy.
He SAYS he adores you, this is fantasy.
He SAYS he is proud of you, this is fantasy.
He says he loves to show you off, again this is fantasy.
STOP looking for THIS from your husband. Appreciate who he IS and stop fantasizing about other men who are OTHER things.
This is grass is greener mindset. You look at your neighbours place and think "wow he's got it so much better over there." and then you start HATING what YOU have, suddenly it doens't look good enough anymroe. You want what your neighbour has instead.
I used to hear a joke about women who to a restaurant and agonize over what food to order, and no matter WHAT they order, they end up wanting what the table next to them has instead. It's an unhealthy attitude children get. You are an adult, make choices and enjoy them. STOP looking over in your neighbour's yard.
Trying to turn your husband into the OM is just aggravating the problem.
You need to change YOUR priorities.
I keep hearing ME ME ME...well, guess what, you have a child. Lets look at what kind of person this OM is relating to your FAMILY as a whole. Suddenly OM doesn't look so hot. He's just a spoiled little child/sexual predator woh is only interested in what he can have for himself. Your OM turns YOU into HIM.
Stop focussing on what your H can do for you, focus on what YOu can do for him, stop worrying about your H loving YOU and feeding the fantasy the OM was doing.
Sorry, but this fantasizing is unhealthy. Focus on what you have and stop trying to turn OM into this unhealthy fantasy of yours.
Find what you HAVE enjoyable.
yes, you are fantasizing. What you FEEL between you and the OM is in your HEAD. He's a predator and sociopath, nothing more.
Doesn't the thought of what the OM is doing to you make you sick? Look at your child in the eye and THEn try to fantasize, it SHOULD make you sick to your stomach. Is that healthy or is it destructive fantasizing?
fan·ta·sy Audio Help /ˈfæntəsi, -zi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fan-tuh-see, -zee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, plural -sies, verb, -sied, -sy·ing. –noun
2. the forming of mental images, esp. wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing. 3. a mental image, esp. when unreal or fantastic; vision: a nightmare fantasy. 4. Psychology. an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream. 5. a hallucination. 6. a supposition based on no solid foundation; visionary idea; illusion: dreams of Utopias and similar fantasies.
---------------------
Love Audio Help /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. –noun
2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
----------------
Recognize the difference here ok? OM = fantasy. H = love.
You need to STOP trying to make H into OM. That fantasy is hurtful and selfish, lose it. Enjoy what is RIGHT in FRONT of you and stop expecting so much.
You have a husband who adores you even though he's been treated brutally, and a child as well, a home, family. Screw the fantasy, you have a dream life right in front of you if you just look at it.
Most of the globe would give their left arm for what you have and you are wandering around fantasizing about some other man?
You get 75 years to make a mark on this rock, its time you realized the OM is just wasting your time and ruining what little life we have in front of us. As long as you nurture this fantasy the OM and your life will be on hold while your family lives life without you.
Do you want to wait til your son is 20 before you stop the fantasizing and realise you have a beautiful family in front of you?
Stop making your H compete with some fantasy, he isn't a hollywood movie and neither are you...enjoy the beautiful life you have right in front of you, or lose it for something that is only in your imagination.
The OM is a selfish predator. HE will NOT be the fantasy man of your dreams long term, he will turn into a monster to you one day. One day you will realise how much he has ruined your life.
He has taken TIME, which is so valuable to all of us. Stop the fantasies now and enjoy your life with your husband. Stop expecting so much that isn't there and enjoy what is.
Do you sit down at a dinner table and fantasize about some meal that isn't available or do you enjoy what's in front of you?
Restaurants are fantasies, you open a menu, pick from a bunch of images and magically what you ask for shows up.
This is NOT how marriages work. In marriages you see the cost of the meal, the messy kitchen, the dirty dishes, and countless other unpleasant details. But this is marriage, enjoy the reality of it. Enjoy making your own meals, enjoy cleaning up your son's messes. Enjoy having a home to clean and laundry to wash. This is real life, enjoy that you have an attractive devoted partner to SHARE that with.
Stop the fantasizing and enjoy the love that's right in the eyes of your son and his devoted father.
ourcrisis, thank you so much for posting on my thread. I read some of your past posts and I see the resemblance. I agree with all that you said. What do you say to people that say "Yeah, I could have stayed in my marriage and MADE it work, but I wouldn't have been happy." The reason I ask is because a close friend says this to me often. She makes me feel bad, like my marriage is less than it is and that I am just staying in it to stay in it.
Mark, I was expecting your post. It's been a tough day of 2x4s, but I just got done reading some of my authentic happiness book and I'm learning about gratitude and forgiveness. I am going to start changing my thinking by focusing on what I am grateful for and forgiving my H for the past. This will not happen overnight, but it is a start. I'm going to try NOT to focus on OM like you said.
OK, mind control....back to reading my book and being nice to my H.