I think I see something here, but maybe I'm reading into it. I see it in many threads. It is the desire to fix the problem very quickly. And the person gets busy busy trying to fix the problem, but in doing so may even make the problem worse by getting frustrated or frustrating the other spouse. You did not get where you are in a week, a month, or even a year. And you will not fix it in a week, or a month, perhaps in a year you will. It is slow and steady that wins this race. At least if by winning you mean repairing your marriage to the point where it is satisfying to both of you.
Obsessing will not do you good, in my opinion. You and your husband should work on this by having good times together, by being thoughtful of each other and doing and sharing nice things, and by going to Retrouvaille and counseling and talking about your feelings. It will be one small step at a time. And sometimes things won't go as planned, and it may backslide a little.
While books can help, and other peoples' opinions might help, if you try a new technique each day you will get frustrated. And getting frustrated is counterproductive.
What do you need to succeed? Have you read Eat Pray Love yet? It talks about quieting the mind, taking control of the mind. Do you control your thoughts or do your thoughts control you? Is this the way you want it to be? If your mind is beyond your control and your thoughts and feelings are controlling you, the chance that you will find longterm happiness are slim. The problem is your mind is out of control. You need to rein it in and start controlling not just your actions but your thoughts. Keep them productive.
What are unproductive thoughts? Comparisons for one thing. You know it's unfair to compare your kids. Johnny is good at baseball; why isn't my son good at baseball? Sally gets all A's; why can't my kid do well in school? These are unproductive thoughts in childrearing. And equally so are thoughts comparing one man to another. You are married to the man you chose to marry. This wasn't an accident. You were happy with him. Now you are looking for happiness elsewhere. Now he falls short in comparison to others.
There is always someone better out there. If what you want is the most exciting, sexual, complimentary husband you can buy, then you need to comparison shop for husbands for the rest of your life. If what you want is an enduring relationship, someone who will be there for you when you are sick, or when your son is sick, then you need to build that relationship. And your husband is there waiting for you to do that with.
My advice at this point is to take it slowly, one day at a time. Be the best wife you can be, and ask your husband to work with you on this. If you give it the time and put in the effort, you will win. If you doubt yourself, you create the environment for failure.
