Lynn, I doubt that she has come to any revelation that will makes sense to you. What she is pushing for is that she "needs" you to be ok about the way things are. That is what I feel where she states that for once she can speak and be heard. She is puzzled that you can't see what she can see and feel. There is a conflict between core beliefs (morality) here regardless of whether or not her C has told her what she wants to hear. If she can recruit you then she will not have to deal with this conflict.
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Plus doesn't she have a point. How can we ever make it work if we can't talk?
Talk is just that... talk. Having a relationship with someone else speaks volumes. Step back to see the big picture.
Lynn,
BINGO. Please re-read this over and over five times. THIS is what I didn't have the time to tell you earlier.
She's looking to gaslight you right now. Don't play the game.
Latest text... "I just thought you would like to know that I am not seeing OM anymore and I would really like to talk when you feel up to it. I'm sorry and won't bug you again"
Text her back this reply:
"That's good. I wish I could believe and trust you right now. Let's discuss on Saturday how this needs to play out, as there are conditions and boundaries with which I need to feel comfortable. Gotta run -- Lynn."
Thanks all. Sorry I went on a hike to clear my head. I'm sure it will sound cliche but I found myself on that mountain. I feel GREAT And no it's not because things seem to be going the right direction for my M. I really feel that I found myself today. I have a new clarity over everything, myself, my M, my kids. It feels wonderful.
I really do want to share this revelation with my W, but you're right I shouldn't. She has called a couple more times very mad that I don't want to talk to her. I will have to call her because I guess the kids want to talk to me. D4 is having issues I guess. I will call and check on the kids and reconfirm that we can talk on Saturday. Although I REALLLLY want to talk to her and share my new found clarity.
Doesn't this seem a little bit like punishing her though? I'm wanting to get away from the whole father/daughter relationship we've had over the years.
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
I did briefly talk with her just to hear her position. She is very confused right now, and while some of it is OM there is much more. My counselor and I both agree she is going through a MLC.
While she has severed ties with OM. She isn't ready to work on our relationship yet. Not only is she scared that we will fall back into the same trap, but scared that I won't change my ways too.
She only wants to talk and be friends. I'm going to continue LRT and GAL myself. I feel in a much better place and I will continue to be in that place with or without her.
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
She isn't ready to work on our relationship yet. Not only is she scared that we will fall back into the same trap, but scared that I won't change my ways too.
Life is full of scary things. There are no guarantees. I CAN guarantee you, however, that without 100% no-contact, your wife will NOT see or act clearly and be able to work on your marital issues with you.
Do you tell her you insist on this? Do you intend to?
Lynn, if you can't play it cool for 48 hours without going all needy/grabby and "needing" to talk to her, you're in for a long, long, and ineffective haul. Even if you do everything RIGHT, you're in for a long haul, with no guarantees, but at least it has the best chance to be effective.
Yea I know I shouldn't have went and talked to her. But wasn't to see her or get all needy/grabby. I wanted to know where she was at with things. I felt like I needed to know this so I could move on with the things I need to do.
I'm not sure she's severed ties. In fact I believe they will still check-in on each other. Maybe in a week or so she's right back to him. If she is then I sever ties again. She may also go back to the counselor who will tell her to stop talking to me and she will. I don't know.
Because of where she is at in her life she's not ready to deal with our marriage at all. I don't know how I can ask her to take steps in this direction when she specifically said she doesn't want to. What do I say "I can't be your friend until you want to date me"? That doesn't make any sense.
She understands that she doesn't think clearly around him. She also understand that it's only hurting her progress too get out of her MLC or whatever this is. If she goes back to him she'll only be hurting herself.
My next approach is to just work on me. I'll talk to her if she calls but it will be mostly listening and no R talk, I'm really tired of talking about that anyway. I don't plan on contacting her today and will only see her briefly on Saturday while I get the kids.
It's her journey and she has to make those decision. I'm not going to stand back at wait. I'm moving on with my life and protecting myself.
Anyway that's where I'm at. Any and all advice is as always appreciated.
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Yea I know I shouldn't have went and talked to her. But wasn't to see her or get all needy/grabby. I wanted to know where she was at with things. I felt like I needed to know this so I could move on with the things I need to do.
And you couldn't wait 40 hours?? She asked you to "jump" and you essentially said "how high?" -- she got the response out of you she wanted, and took the power RIGHT back.
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I'm not sure she's severed ties.
I can assure you, she hasn't.
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Maybe in a week or so she's right back to him. If she is then I sever ties again.
Lynn, this isn't a game of "I'll sever ties every time she talks to him." She needs to know that DEMONSTRABLE (provable) no-contact is your precondition for working on your marriage, and that without it, you are pulling way, way back and considering your options, including legal.
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Because of where she is at in her life she's not ready to deal with our marriage at all. I don't know how I can ask her to take steps in this direction when she specifically said she doesn't want to. What do I say "I can't be your friend until you want to date me"? That doesn't make any sense.
First of all, you're not asking her to do ANYTHING right now other than end her affair. Once she agrees to that, a good MC -- and probably an IC for her (and you) as well can help you sort thru the next steps, and we can help too.
You don't need to SAY, ANYTHING about your friendship. You just ACT, by pulling way back and no longer meeting her emotional need to have Lynn be her best friend and confidant. I know it hurts, but the reality is, as long as she can get some of her emotional and financial needs met by YOU, and then some of her other emotional and physical needs met by her BOYFRIEND, that she will never make a choice, and she will continue to cake-eat, and you will continue to be miserable.
Finally, you said "this doesn't make sense." Nothing ABOUT this is going to make sense to you, Lynn -- you'll find that it's the most counter-intuitive thing you've ever experienced in your life. So until you start listening to those of us who have actually gone THRU it (I don't care if it's me or someone else, I really don't), and do a better job of trying what we're advocating, you're never going to succeed at this.
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It's her journey and she has to make those decision.
Yes, she does. But there are proven strategies and techniques that you can employ to greatly increase your chances of success, and to help her make the right choice. So far, you're not listening to them.
And no it's not because things seem to be going the right direction for my M. I really feel that I found myself today. I have a new clarity over everything, myself, my M, my kids. It feels wonderful.