We'll talk on Saturday? About what though? I feel I should be prepared for anything because if I'm not I'm gonna lose it.
Just practice active listening with her and then reaffirm my stand and go from there? I'm sorry I'm such a basket case and I know I should start learning what to do for myself, but it just seems all so foreign.
Heat reversal?
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0804:07 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
I know this is hard. Try to take some deep breaths.
On Saturday, you will listen. Validate (but don't agree).
You will state your position, which is "The only two things to discuss are our marriage, or the end of it. The second one is a legal matter, and better left for attorneys. And as far as our marriage goes, I told you, I won't discuss it so long as you've invited a third person into it. End your affair, and we can talk."
But she is going to want to talk about her revelation or whatever she figured out in one night. My guess it's either give me a D or come back. And the latter is much less likely. It probably will be the same talk about how we were never right for each other and this is better for us, etc. What do I say?
I'm such a mess
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
If she says she wants a divorce, you say "I can't stop you, if that's what you want to do. I'll be getting some legal consultation then, so that I can understand what I'm up against. I don't want to divorce. I think we can work at this, but you need to end your affair immediately, and then we can get some good marriage counseling."
If she tries to have a relationshp talk (including anything about "we were never right for each other," or any other "re-writing of marital history"), listen to her, and validate her. And say "I agree, we have some challenges. And we can discuss, and work on, whatever you wish, as soon as you end your affair."
If she asks for "space," tell her "I can't stop you from leaving, if that's what you want to do. This is my home, and these are my kids, and I'm not going anywhere."
Well I'm not living at home now so she would have to move out for the last on to work, but I get the gist.
But tell me how does this work? It just seems like I'm ending it, or being controlling. I don't quite understand the approach I guess. Plus doesn't she have a point. How can we ever make it work if we can't talk? Should I say something about that on Saturday? Of course I guess by active listening on Saturday I'll show her that, which is better.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0804:30 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Lynn, I doubt that she has come to any revelation that will makes sense to you. What she is pushing for is that she "needs" you to be ok about the way things are. That is what I feel where she states that for once she can speak and be heard. She is puzzled that you can't see what she can see and feel. There is a conflict between core beliefs (morality) here regardless of whether or not her C has told her what she wants to hear. If she can recruit you then she will not have to deal with this conflict.
Quote:
Plus doesn't she have a point. How can we ever make it work if we can't talk?
Talk is just that... talk. Having a relationship with someone else speaks volumes. Step back to see the big picture.
Latest text... "I just thought you would like to know that I am not seeing OM anymore and I would really like to talk when you feel up to it. I'm sorry and won't bug you again"
HUH?
I need to get away and go think. I'm going to go climb a mountain (literally, nice hiking trails around here) and get closer to myself and gain some perspective.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0805:17 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
