Well, we've made what I thought were hopeful starts before, but I feel good.
In no particular order, I told her:
I'm very angry.
I never want to lose her, but I won't accept being miserable and one of us would inevitably get fed up someday, which means divorce.
Right now we're going toward divorce, not away from it. Our sex life already sucks and our marriage is headed in the wrong direction.
I feel taken for granted. She thinks I'll accept any level of misery just to live in the same house as her. This partly my fault for telling her in word and deed that I would accept any level of misery just to . . . well, you know.
She told me:
She feels taken for granted. Nobody cleans up; everyone expects her to do it.
When it comes to my "morals and the things you believe in" I'm not a pushover, but when it comes to her, I am.
She was surprised to hear me ask about being a doormat, because she thought I'd been a lot more assertive lately, making decisions that needed to be made without consulting her. Looking back on the last month or so, she's right, but I hadn't thought consciously about "being more assertive" or "being a man." I just decided things weren't going to get done if I had to fret and worry about what she would say about the way I did them, so I decided to do them anyway.
She brought up her parents again. This is a common theme. It's true; her mother has a good heart, but she's a domineering woman who rules with an iron fist. Ironically, I have no trouble standing up to her, but then, she's never really approved of me and it's easier for me to stand up to my enemies than my friends. But my wife's father is an alcoholic and a mouse of a man, (but now sober for years, active in AA, and married again, happily, I think) and her current husband is as loud as she is, but certainly not in charge of anything. I always thought of my wife as submissive to her mother and glad to be out from under her thumb, but she says she's afraid she's becoming her mother--a domineering woman with a henpecked husband.
I can see that being henpecked isn't attractive, but more than that, I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I don't intend to be rolled by anyone. I guess I just thought I was showing her respect and making it clear that I trusted her. I was giving her what I wanted from her.
So there's a long way to go, but I feel much better. I made an effort not to do some of the little self-hating things I've made habits of over the years; things I didn't really even notice until they were ingrained habits. For one thing, I bet I say "sorry" 5-10 times a day. I apologize for things I couldn't possibly have done wrong. "My head is killing me." "Oh, sorry." "You don't have to be sorry, you didn't do it." "Yeah, well,I'm sorry you're hurting, though." I'm sure the reply in bold was supposed to be my hint that I was driving her up a wall, but I just thought I was going above and beyond, being a good husband, sensitive to her feelings (cuz gurls liek feelings, amirite?)
So yesterday, I said "Sor--no, I think I'm going to stop saying I'm sorry so much." "Thank you!"
Finally, I took the big chance for me. Starting small, I kissed her. I didn't want to get too pushy, and I didn't want to get rejected, but I decided that being timid was getting me nowhere. This was before we talked, so I wasn't sure how it would go, but each time I kissed her, she responded. We had several that were pretty warm and a few that were passionate. It's not that we never share a passionate kiss, but I would say we shared more of them yesterday (and this morning before she left) than in the last six months. The best thing about this morning was the lack of frustration. I wanted a long kiss, so I kissed her. Um . . . "longly." She was just out of the shower, wearing only her thin robe, and she was very tempting, but she was looking at me hopefully--it was almost as if she'd be disappointed if I chose not to kiss her, and I could have chosen not to do it. And she responded. She kissed me back. I touched her face and her neck and she leaned into me. I thought about trying for more, but she was late for work, so I let it end there. Maybe it will lead to more later, maybe not. But I wanted it, and I did it. I'm not frustrated about what I didn't get to do, which is a nice feeling.
Anyway, it's the twins' birthday, so we're having a fun morning here, and I'm sure that helps. Let me know what you think.
