I've been asked several times for a link to my sitch, and what my story is. Without going into all the drama, I had to change my username back in February after being banned from the forums due to a disagreement with the moderators and the PTBs.
So Chocolateeyes became Puppy Dog Tails.
Yesterday, I received permission from the DB folks to reveal my secret identity, LOL. Seriously, I appreciate their openmindedness, and especially SG's support and recommendation.
If anyone would like to read more about my sitch, you can find my threads archived here:
The short version update is that my wife and I are back together, best friends, and working on our longer-term SSM issues. She ended her affair last August, agreed to full no-contact/transparency, and after two 3-month "stays" in my divorce action, I finally withdrew it altogether a few months ago. Other than the one backslide early last September, there has been no further contact between the fetching Mrs. Puppy and her pimpled OM (and yes, I do still verify this).
Sorry for the drama, but I wanted to get back with those who have asked.
I'm glad you're here posting, Choc/Pup! You give a lot of consideration and support to people in need and it's appreciated.
I may not agree with you all the time, but it's good to have the option of hearing a point of view that's different from my own. As things have played out in my own sitch, I may have done better in adhering closer to your advice, but it's hard to choose the right path when you're in the midst of emotional upheaval.
Infidelity is the one area where DBing is a little shaky. We definitely can improve ourselves and we benefit by employing DB techniques in our own lives. But our spouses HAVE to be remorseful if anything can be resolved and they have to end the affair.
I'm glad you're here posting, Choc/Pup! You give a lot of consideration and support to people in need and it's appreciated.
I may not agree with you all the time, but it's good to have the option of hearing a point of view that's different from my own. As things have played out in my own sitch, I may have done better in adhering closer to your advice, but it's hard to choose the right path when you're in the midst of emotional upheaval.
Infidelity is the one area where DBing is a little shaky. We definitely can improve ourselves and we benefit by employing DB techniques in our own lives. But our spouses HAVE to be remorseful if anything can be resolved and they have to end the affair.
Thanks to SG for letting bygones be bygones!
lodo
Lodo,
If you agree with me all the time, one of us wouldn't need to be here. I try to provide a perspective that's a little different than the average one you get here, and one that worked for me in my own life.
I also try to bring whatever style to bear that I feel is MISSING from someone's sitch; i.e., if they've been too stern and controlling, then I advocate a more loving approach, and if they've been too supplicating and doormattish, then I advocate laying out some firm boundaries.
DBing works. I believe in it. GAL and 180s saved my marriage. I just think there are some additional dynamics at play in cases of infidelity, that require some additional strategies and tactics WHILE you DB and make yourself the better option. The recipient is always free to use, or reject, my advice, as it should be.
WHew, Puppy. I began to read some of your story. I wish I had more time. What did you and your W end up finding out about her obsession with appearances and fitness? I see myself as really needing that validation from others as well....wanting to look sexy, be sexy, but not have sex with H.
She still struggles with it, WDID. She is a very vain person. But to be fair, there are positive sides to that same coin: she is incredibly fit and healthy. She buys healthy foods for our kids, and demonstrates a healthy lifestyle. She takes pride in her appearance.
I would say she's become a little less obsessed over it since her confidence and validation from her career as a certified personal trainer has grown. She's still way into working out, but it's more for her job now, and to make herself feel good, and not as much for validation. But like a "reformed" alcoholic, I frankly think she will ALWAYS deal with this demon.
I have mentioned to you that my co-worker is in your same situation. They suffered from a long term SSM, then she cheated with someone she met online. He is the one that is great at truth darts, helps me with them all the time (his most recent is helping my H face the reality that someone else eventually will be deeply involved in his children's lives). Anywhoooo...she ended her A, they went to Retro, and she is faithful again (did the NC letter with him there, sold all the gifts on Ebay (lol), he gets her cell bill, etc), but they are back to being great friends in a SSM. He is stuck, like you. She is also vain but like your W, it has good effects on the kid (with respect to healthy living).
I agree Puppy!! Wanna know what's worse? Being in an SSM and your spouse 'giving' that part away freely to someone else. That is what kills my friend, that she sought comfort elsewhere after 'depriving' them for years. I also think its a bit harder on a H when a W cheats. I haven't been able to figure out why, but I think its true.
H and I were not in a SSM when his A happened. Far from it. We were actually actively trying for #3. We were in a 'friends with benefits' mode, I believe. But he quit giving himself emotionally to me, and was there for OW in ways that he has never been for me. That bites too.
I try to provide a perspective that's a little different than the average one you get here, and one that worked for me in my own life. 