[quote=Hope4us I think it might have finally sunk in when I told my WW "If you want to accuse me of being controlling because I have a problem with you sleeping with a married man, I can live with that". That's the last time I heard the controlling comment from her. [/quote]
Man, that is perfect. Just classic, classic perfect.
And yes, H4U, the "control" this is classic affair script gaslighting deflection bullchit.
And yes, H4U, the "control" this is classic affair script gaslighting deflection bullchit.
Yes, classic!!! My H told me I was being controlling when I wanted to decide where I am going to live after our divorce! He kept telling me where I was going to live! I think if you are making decisions that affect your life that is not controlling, and how I think of it anyway. (I actually think my H is the controlling one so funny he calls me that but I guess they want to follow their script!) Karen
Ok, I'll reply to her text this morning with my words.
I still think part of this is a MLC. She had been talking for months (which is way before she started talking to him) about how she wasn't happy with her lot in life. How she didn't feel she was doing the right thing. I tried to be helpful and told her that maybe she should go get a job or try something else, etc.
Maybe it was just a cry for attention that I missed, but it seemed way bigger than that. She went for a week without eating, and then a week without sleeping. She was a mess. One of her greatest accomplishments of getting a novel published was happening and she didn't even care. And this was definately before the affair.
I completely agree with these techniques to deal with the affair. But I wonder if it's counterproductive in dealing with a MLC.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0802:40 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Ok, I'll reply to her text this morning with my words.
I still think part of this is a MLC. She had been talking for months (which is way before she started talking to him) about how she wasn't happy with her lot in life. How she didn't feel she was doing the right thing. I tried to be helpful and told her that maybe she should go get a job or try something else, etc.
Maybe it was just a cry for attention that I missed, but it seemed way bigger than that. She went for a week without eating, and then a week without sleeping. She was a mess. One of her greatest accomplishments of getting a novel published was happening and she didn't even care. And this was definately before the affair.
I completely agree with these techniques to deal with the affair. But I wonder if it's counterproductive in dealing with a MLC.
Lynn
Whether or not she was in "MLC" (and reasonable people disagree about whether or not that's an actual condition, or just a collection of behaviors) before her affair is irrelevant. The affair is still the immediate obstacle to the reconciliation of your marriage. I myself was in a long-term SSM (sex-starved marriage) when my wife began her affair, and we still are struggling with that. It added context to the affair, but it didn't change the needed strategy and tactics one iota.
The choice, however, is up to you. I'm only telling you what worked for me, and others. I'm still sensing not "doubt" as much as I am "fear" in your wanting to apply what people are telling you. That's OK; I get it. I was scared chitless myself. But someone told me once that "Courage is what you call it when you're absolutely terrified to do something, and you do it anyway."
The choice, however, is up to you. I'm only telling you what worked for me, and others. I'm still sensing not "doubt" as much as I am "fear" in your wanting to apply what people are telling you. That's OK; I get it. I was scared chitless myself. But someone told me once that "Courage is what you call it when you're absolutely terrified to do something, and you do it anyway."
Puppy/Choc.
Oh, yeah, when I first started DBing I think fear was my major emotion. I've really worked on that, b/c I think that had been preventing me from living a happy, healthy life. I would shy away from new experiences, things that would challenge me, etc. I have really tried to work on that and become a stronger person. I don't want fear to stop me from doing anything in life anymore. I'm sure you will become stronger and stronger as well (Puppy will see to that!) Karen
Well I did it. It was one of the hardest things i've done. Thank god I did it by text because I couldn't have done it in person. Her response.
"I know i messed up i know you hate me now but I need to say something to you and I wish for once I could have the chance to speak and be heard. I guess if we can't talk then there is no hope anyway."
OUCH. TRYING HARD TO RESIST TEXTING BACK AS MUSHY MAN. But what should I say? This really hurts and I feel like this is the end...help.
And another one: "I guess the only thing I can do is say i am sorry i have done alot of thinking about things and I hope that maybe someday you can find it in yourself to speak to me so i can share that with you. I guess until that time I will leave you alone"
What? She told me to leave her alone? What is going on?
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0803:50 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
DON'T RESPOND. Trust me on this one. I could give you paragraphs on why, but just trust me on this one.
If she texts or calls you with a LEGITIMATE question/concern about the kids, answer it immediately, but do not go beyond whatever it is that pertains to the children.
Puppy I updated the previous post with another text from her. Shouldn't I say something. Reaffirm that I'm willing to work on it if she leaves him or something? I feel like this is the end. Maybe she wants to talk the D word. Maybe she's decided that she wants to work it out?
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/19/0803:52 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Karen