You are not at the point yet where you need to "go dark." Your wife may leave you, but so long as you have a choice, it is better for you to be near her daily, to live out in front of her the "New Lynn" that you want her to see, and to lovingly shine a light and a path back to your marriage.
But your demeanor needs to be "Joe Friday" -- just the facts, ma'am. So to answer your question, "Yes," the harshness of my suggested wording is very much intentional. "Detaching" is effective DBing, but it's also a self-preservation tool. If you keep your heart out on the table right now, when she and her boyfriend are actively trying to destroy your marriage, she will stomp on it, almost daily.
PULL BACK.
Quote:
Plus I think the reason she wants to talk is both because she wants me to hear her out. She's used me as her sounding board for years and wants to continue it. She wants me to hang on the line as a "friend" which I can't do. Shouldn't I work that in?
Nope. It's implied. If she comes right out and SAYS "Can't we still be friends?" say "A true friend doesn't do what you are doing right now to their friend, so no, I need to protect myself right now and there's nothing to discuss. End your affair, and we'll talk."
Your version of the note is fine.
You will initiate a re-confrontation at some point. We can discuss then why, and what you should say.
