Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

Journal - Got up this morning and was going about my biz - shaving, showering, getting dressed, etc...She comes over to the mirror and starts filing her nails next to me - she never does that - and certainly not at that time of the morning. I just kept busy and kept going about biz. I felt one of those giant talks coming so I really stayed away. I told her my S10 has baseball practice tonight and she complained it was in the middle of dinner time so I told her I would take him. I very pleasantly wished her a nice day and was on my way to work.

The one thing I did notice is that she was a pinch closer to me in bed when I woke up this morning. Hard to believe I could notice, but she is usually so far away. I had a very good night's sleep for a change and feel fresh today. I usually wake up during the night many times but didn't last night. I am not even sure what time she came up.

I hate to think of a life without her. But right now with the way things are I don't want to be with this person. My parents told me the other day that they always felt marriage is a 50/50 proposition - they're 50th anniversary is in 2 months. They said it always seemed that my marriage was 75/25 or 80/20 with me constantly catering to her wishes. The funny thing is that I knew that but it never bothered me. I got so much out of seeing her happy, or helping to make her happy. But I have realized that I probably overdid that. I know in my heart that one of the reasons I did was that I felt guilty that we had 3 boys and I am so close to them. She did want a girl but always said the right things like "as long as they are healthy", "I love it, I am the Queen of the castle". But really, they are our children, what am I supposed to do, not be close with them?? I know in my heart if this was the other way around, it wouldn't be an issue. Yes, I would have wanted a boy, but I know how strong my feelings are towards our children and I would have treated daughters exactly the same, whether they were in to ballet, girl scouts or nothing at all. All 3 of my boys play soccer, and I don't like the sport at all, but I never missed any of their games. That's because I want to watch them doing something they like and get enjoyment out of, that brings me pleasure. It's hard for me to understand her mindset of wanting to do her own thing instead of sharing theirs.

Thanks to you guys and MC I am understanding detachment better and letting go of any negative thoughts. Usually the comment about baseball being in the middle of dinner time would annoy me. Today I was able to let it go right by me.

The only thing still gnawing at me is the thought of selling my house. We saved for many years and had it built for our family. Within the last year we finally finished everything we wanted to do (bought surrounding land and finished it, put in a pool and big deck, landscaped, put in a small basketball court for my boys which they love, built a mini theater inside which is a hobby of mine etc...). It really was time to start enjoying life. That's what makes this so difficult. Real Estate sucks in my area right now. Just two years ago if we sold I would have more than doubled my money. Now that is not even close. More importantly, it was my boys home. I know they will take that very hard, especially if we are going to be schlepping them between two apartments or condos.