Watching the kids while W goes to OM

[lynn97]

I would tell him that if getting his own place would make him feel good and help him improve his own life then do it.

I've been reading a few post on the MLC boards and I'm thinking that some of those things sound like her too. Is it possible it's a combination of MLC and EA. A deadly cocktail if you will. Are they both handled in the same way?

Lynn

[lynn97]

Wow this just keeps getting better. I just got a text from the W.

"I feel terrible about the way things went today whenever you are ready I would like to talk about it with you"

She also called earlier and left a voice mail that said our son was a little upset and that she was sorry for being bitchy earlier.

What does all that mean? She tells me to leave her alone and then she keeps trying to talk to me? Does she just feel guilty?

I'm not going to contact her. I'll see her on Saturday when I pickup the kids. I plan on being upbeat, but not there for her. Is there something I should say to her then? I was thinking of bringing up the fact that while we are stilled married I don't want him around the kids. That's not fair to them an will only confuse them.

Lynn

[lost_in_space]

Lynn,

One thing I have heard many times is that you should not leave. If W wants to go, her choice. BUT you should stay put if that is what you want.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow this just keeps getting better. I just got a text from the W.

"I feel terrible about the way things went today whenever you are ready I would like to talk about it with you"

She also called earlier and left a voice mail that said our son was a little upset and that she was sorry for being bitchy earlier.

What does all that mean? She tells me to leave her alone and then she keeps trying to talk to me? Does she just feel guilty?

I'm not going to contact her. I'll see her on Saturday when I pickup the kids. I plan on being upbeat, but not there for her. Is there something I should say to her then? I was thinking of bringing up the fact that while we are stilled married I don't want him around the kids. That's not fair to them an will only confuse them.

Lynn

Lynn,

This is a great opportunity for you to enter the next phase.

DO respond to her, but respond thusly:

"(wife), there's nothing to 'meet' about. There are really only two likely topics -- our marriage, or the end of it. I refuse to discuss the former so long as you've invited a third person into it, and the latter is better handled by attorneys.

I do appreciate the apology for the tone, and I'm sorry about that too. See you Saturday. - Lynn"

This will be your standard response in the weeks ahead, unless and until she agrees to end her affair. Your repeated position of it will drive her NUTS, but if you stick to your guns, she'll eventually stop asking to have R talks with you.

When you ARE ready for a talk, YOU will initiate it, not her.

There is a 3rd category of topic, and that's the kids/HH logistics. That can be handled via e-mail, text message or businesslike phone calls.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

One thing I have heard many times is that you should not leave. If W wants to go, her choice. BUT you should stay put if that is what you want.

ABSOLUTELY.

[lynn97]

Wouldn't a day or two of going dark help here?

This does seem a little harsh to me, and sounds more harsh than I would be. Is that an intentional 180? Plus I think the reason she wants to talk is both because she wants me to hear her out. She's used me as her sounding board for years and wants to continue it. She wants me to hang on the line as a "friend" which I can't do. Shouldn't I work that in? She doesn't want to discuss the marriage at all. What about.

"There's no reason to talk. You've chosen to bring another man into our relationship. I'm very willing to work on our relationship problems. I'm also willing to work on myself and help you grow as a person too. But there is no point while you're dating another person.

I do appreciate the apology for the tone, and I'm sorry about that too. See you Saturday."

It needs help and is probably too long, but the ideas are there.

Wait why would I initiate the talk? How do I know when I'm ready? This seems like a control tactic that she's going to see through since it's one of her (and her C) big issues with me. It breaks her independance thing. I'm worried it will be counterproductive.

Lynn

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

You are not at the point yet where you need to "go dark." Your wife may leave you, but so long as you have a choice, it is better for you to be near her daily, to live out in front of her the "New Lynn" that you want her to see, and to lovingly shine a light and a path back to your marriage.

But your demeanor needs to be "Joe Friday" -- just the facts, ma'am. So to answer your question, "Yes," the harshness of my suggested wording is very much intentional. "Detaching" is effective DBing, but it's also a self-preservation tool. If you keep your heart out on the table right now, when she and her boyfriend are actively trying to destroy your marriage, she will stomp on it, almost daily.

PULL BACK.

Plus I think the reason she wants to talk is both because she wants me to hear her out. She's used me as her sounding board for years and wants to continue it. She wants me to hang on the line as a "friend" which I can't do. Shouldn't I work that in?

Nope. It's implied. If she comes right out and SAYS "Can't we still be friends?" say "A true friend doesn't do what you are doing right now to their friend, so no, I need to protect myself right now and there's nothing to discuss. End your affair, and we'll talk."

Your version of the note is fine.

You will initiate a re-confrontation at some point. We can discuss then why, and what you should say.

Puppy/Choc.

[karen43]

This seems like a control tactic that she's going to see through since it's one of her (and her C) big issues with me. Lynn

I think so too. You have to do what you feel is right, & you will get stronger as time goes on which will help. I know it is tough to do sometimes but following Puppy's advice is usually very sound--otherwise in a few months you'll be like me and others--wish I would have followed it sooner!!! :)Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This seems like a control tactic that she's going to see through since it's one of her (and her C) big issues with me. Lynn

I think so too. You have to do what you feel is right, & you will get stronger as time goes on which will help. I know it is tough to do sometimes but following Puppy's advice is usually very sound--otherwise in a few months you'll be like me and others--wish I would have followed it sooner!!! :)Karen

Thanks, Karen.

Lynn, you can certainly use your own words, but it's critical for you not to follow your own instincts to go all "melty man" or "needy/grabby" right now. That's a HUGE mistake, and yet it feels SO right to the betrayed spouse.

I cannot emphasize this enough. I did it a few times, and it ALWAYS was counterproductive.

Puppy/Choc.

[Hope4us]

Wait why would I initiate the talk? How do I know when I'm ready? This seems like a control tactic that she's going to see through since it's one of her (and her C) big issues with me. It breaks her independance thing. I'm worried it will be counterproductive.

Lynn

Has she complained about you being controlling before? I just ask because playing the "control" card is a great gaslighting technique by a wayward spouse. What a better way to get you to let them continue their affair than by claiming you're "controlling"?

If you recognize it as an issue, work on it. I do in my sitch and am working on it. Do I think I'm the controlling cuss my WW makes me out to be? No, but I can see some things I need to work on and my WW is just used that control card to continue F'ing OM. I think it might have finally sunk in when I told my WW "If you want to accuse me of being controlling because I have a problem with you sleeping with a married man, I can live with that". That's the last time I heard the controlling comment from her.