I have been reading your posts and there are striking similarities between your sitch and mine. The only difference is I have 3 children and we were together for 17yrs. We are both academics and she is currently doing her PhD. I have applied for the divorce, which should be completed any day now.
I am wondering, what is it that is making you reminisce and retrace old ground. Do you think that history will repeat itself? Would you be happy with that? Right now it appears that you are stuck in a vicious never ending loop. Power dynamics between you and your ex appear to be skewed in her favour, and she knows that, because you still want her back. It is a form of slavery from which one needs to emancipate oneself from. It is a form of oppression: she has oppressed you for years by the sound of it. As someone said, oppression is a connivance between the oppressor and the oppressed. Because power is a construction between people, not a fixed tangible entity. It is enacted by some on others. One can never become fully human while inhabiting that space of powerlessness. Remember the song 'emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds' Marley was so right. You need to let go my friend and start a new chapter.
