my story adventures of a WAW!

[Flipper]

Wow, Christa- You have so much in common with my W. This is a compliment-you two could really get along. When she's not cold with me, she is pretty funny and cool. She's warped too! I dig her.

She has maintained throughout, "I just want to be alone." When asked about relationships, she says that she just wants to be alone. And yes, since you mention it, one of her biggest complaints was/is that people are so shocked about us and she wants to avoid them.

But the other day when we were on the phone, I asked if she would be interested in going to a one or two day intensive with Michele. I set it up by asking her to help me get "closure" and so I could fully understand what happened to us, so we could remain friends. She wasn't up for it. She said she was willing to do something over the phone, but she didn't sound thrilled.
I felt I had to try and the risk of pressuring. I played it off and said it was okay. No anger.

But she did open up to me about what it was like for her to deal with my PTSD. Man, I remember. I was messed up! This is how messed up:

I would get in my mind that she might have had an affair. One night I woke her up and asked her if she had an affair...10 years earlier! I woke her up to ask this crap! BTW, did I mention there as really no basis for my "suspicion"?. That was just one incident. I would have nightmares, night sweats, insomnia, paranoia, crying, I weighed 320 (now 260), I snored, had sleep apnea (sp), I was pissed at the world, loved her dearly but I bitched all the time about stuff, etc. Almost had a couple road rage situations with her in the truck. I was a different dude in December '07.

When she moved out, she took my guns. That made me feel weird. I told her to keep them if it made her feel better. But I guess that goes to show you how she felt about me. I have never even cussed at her, but she thought I was gonna go loopy or something.

She went to my shrink a few times and finally bottomed out. Wonder why. Now she is fried. I finally got on medication around February, but she already filed. Took the medication a couple months to kick-in...let's say, March. So I've been "sane" for only a couple/few months. I feel great, except for the sitch.

She sees the difference but, today, we went to a lawyer for the property settlement. That sucks. She told me the other day to let her go. But she acknowledged that the last few visits we had were very nice and said that they created new memories. She wants to "be friends" and says she loves me and wants me in her life, but not married to me. She admitted to seeing the differences and said that she didn't think I would relapse, but still wants the D. I just think it's too soon for this thing to end.

She has a game face and attitude. But the other week, when we were in the bookstore, I saw her guard come down. Her face and voice softened. I miss that side of her. Hope to see more of that. Come to think of it, she's not so tough, probably just scared.

I forgot to mention, she gave me a fathers' day card "from the dog". I got it today and it was nice to get. She's making sure I get dog-visitation. Are we pathetic or what.

You know what, Christa? This may be pretty ballsy to say, but if we make this thing right, I would love to have kids with her. Before, I was too depressed to think I would be a good father. But now, I know people can change for the better. I feel happier than in a long time. I know...one step at a time. It's a nice thought though.

But you just echoed what she has been saying about being alone, no men, staying away from people, etc. She's been reading a lot, doing gardening and working extra hours to pay the bills. Doesn't seem to me she would have much time for another dude...at least not to me.

Yes, I love that Joel Osteen guy. Very cool. I get my dailys from rejoice and I listen to the Stop Divorce Radio every day. Reading lots of scripture, etc. Thanks for all the resources!

Very cool move on your part, getting in front of your H. You're too slick! That's pretty funny...but STOP smoking!! Okay, you need stress relief. Maybe later, when you guys reconcile. Carry on. Very glad to see your H feels comfortable enough to approach you and wave, etc. Keep luuuring him back to you...you spicy girl, you! You seem to have "The Kavorka"..."the lure of the animal" (phrase used for Cosmo Kramer when his animal magnetism caused a Greek Orthodox nun to leave the order to pursue him). Yes, you have "Kavorka", Christa. No man can resist you!!