Welcome back. Don't keep worrying about what might happen. Focus on you and your kids and being the best you possible. It sounds like your H may have had a few reality moments on your trip. I'm wishing the best for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
L2, Don't you feel great now! You were so stressed before the trip...now that you mastered that hill, you are ready to take on the mountains in front of you. Whatever path you choose, take your time to think it through, plan it out and still be flexible enough to respond to the inevitable curve-balls that are thrown at you!
Don't know the general who said it but...a war plan is useless, but planning for war is invaluable...or something like that. In any case, choose your Path with Heart!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Well, I had planned to intended to give a little update tonight, and the events of tonight have trumped that. BUt, there was no intimacy/closeness during the trip...most of it was very pleasant, but clearly H was not the least bit drawn toward me...
BUt I still won't regret the trip (other than how much more in debt it has put us)...
Well, I didn't have to wait long to see which way things were headed:
Sunny said:
Quote:
Having an affair is one thing, the reality of actually turning your life upsidedown to be with that person is another.
HOwever, not so hard that it prevented H from leaving tonight to sleep elsewhere. It's hard to say that this came out of nowhere, but it kind of did. My only inkling was that H had left his car out of our garage, and when I asked him about it, he just said he might 'go out' later tonight.
Then later, while we were just both sitting on our sunporch before dinner, he informed me that he had left the car out because he had an apartment 'short-term, corporate' place to stay in (I think he said it was pro-rated for a couple of weeks, or something like that...which made more sense later) and was looking at some more long-term ones. and then just launched into the same-old, same-old recitation of how miserable he's been...
I don't even have the energy to reconstruct the convo. It was mostly about how he just can't keep going on this way, how he tried so hard for years to get me to see things that I needed to change, how I had not been in his corner during critical times in his life, had sided with others, etc... about how lousy our (nonexistent) sex life was, about how he had gotten us to go to MC 17 years ago and how I didn't do anything about it, etc., etc. How I didn't ever believe that he would leave (although I told him I felt that he would do this last year) so never really made any changes...even down to things like how years ago he had told me I could stand to use mouthwash and I ignored him (??)
There's really no way to respond to much of any of this...and I didn't really try. On one or two points I did speak up; in talking about this place, H said he wouldn't ask me to stay there (we traded weeks back and forth in an efficiency when we 'separated' 6 years ago), but that he didn't want me to make this house like I did the apt....bringing friends in (made it sound like I had party central...totally wrong) I countered that he had invited friend over once during that time, same as I did. H then talked about how I had told my parents, very critical of this. I reminded him that I only told them because we had a significant planned vacation a couple months hence with them that H had decided not to go on (involved already purchased plane tickets, etc...week in family friends' condo in Williamsburg, etc.--so they had to know) He initially tried to argue his way out of that, but then realized what I was saying, and later wound up saying he was sorry about those comments...
He did tell S18 that he was going to be staying at apt. like he did before (not telling S12, said he'd be back 'early' tomorrow morning, before S12 wakes up...) H made sure to say he had used 'his' money (mom's inheritance), not ours...but i'm convinced he's staying with OW for the next couple weeks (i've not been wholly successful in stopping all snooping, and know that her Ss are away for next couple weeks...)
I started to make a few comments about if he decides to follow through with things about the house, and then realized quickly (and H said this) that this was really not the time to get started on things like that..and on that point, I agreed.
Basically, it just sucked...of course, OW was never once mentioned, in fact H talked about how cynical he feels about having successful relationship in the future (such BS on his part...you should read how he blathers on to OW about their future...) I came very close to saying something about her, but wound up not doing so...not really sure why. At one point, H alleged that him finding apt shouldn't have been a surprize, because that's what I'd been looking at when he caught me snooping a while back. I had told him I was looking for his cell phone, (which would have had her phone # on it); when he challenged me on why I was doing this, I just didn't answer...
Man, I'm running on here...I'm just feeling numb right now. Doubt i'll sleep much; need to start figuring out how i'm going to respond to this.
Seems pretty clear H wants to be able to come and go here for now...use his office and have full access to the house and the boys. TOnight he just came in to the house from his office and announced to me (S18 was out at movie) that he was leaving and then he was gone...
I really don't know what to do next...how to proceed...
Whatever path you choose, take your time to think it through, plan it out and still be flexible enough to respond to the inevitable curve-balls that are thrown at you!
But the curveballs have already started, and i'm not feeling ready for them yet!
I"m wide awake (dozed a little off and on over the last few hours) and I'm scared...of what comes next, of how i'm going to deal with this with my kids, of whether to call H on the fact that I'm sure he'es lying about where he's staying right now.
I realize i'm especially scared about the fact that, even with all the IC and help from here, I still find myself sucked back into the emotional storm of H's making that this is all my fault, that H did everything for so many years and I did nothing. Intellectually I know that's just not true at all, but still I sit here right now with tears streaming down my face feeling like it is.
And the saddest part is that ultimately it doesn't matter what THE TRUTH is; H wants me out of his life, and so that's where we are...i know that I can only control me, but that doesn't keep my family together, that doesn't ease my children't pain.
I need a short range action plan...but how do I go about doing that? How do I set appropriate boundaries now, when I've so rarely been successful in doing it before with H?
Not one the the best days in my life...but I'm getting through it.
As luck would have it, I had to change my regular IC appointment from yesterday to today as my C was out...that was a fortunate break for me. I told C today that I didn't want to be in this R any longer (not that I have a lot of choice in the matter right now...). Not just dropping the rope, but trying hard to deliberately set it down.
Interestingly, H called just as i was leaving for IC, just "calling to see how you are doing, not that you would welcome the call..." I told him I was okay, heading out to a meeting, and thanks for calling... Figured that falls under the "fake it 'til you make it" mode.
You'd think that as long as I've been expecting this it wouldn't hurt so damn much...i barely slept all night... H came home early (by 6am) in order to be here by time S12 woke up. H told S18 a little, just that he was going to do what we did before (but just him, not us both switching)...but nothing to S12 yet.
So for now, sounds like he plans to just come and go at will...because he doesn't teach during the summer, it's spent researching in his office, which is our garage efficiency. What do y'all think of that? Pros/cons?
I have just read through your last few posts and realy feel for you. There is nothing you can do to stop your H heading of on this path , His long diatribe about what was wrong was just him trying to validate his actions and put a lid on his guilt. He would not be doing that if he was honest and realy felt he was doing the right thing deep down.
Even when you know things , reality still bites hard and hurts.
The access thing is not easy , its a situation I have been in where W has full access to our house , yet demands her privacy where she lives. For her it works well , for me its not been a problem but it may become one as I decide to move on with life.
If you still have the energy to try and save your M then it could be OK but it will be draining.
In any case there is no rush to make decisions , things will be hard enough anyway.
How to still a mind that won't shut off...I'm fighting lingering effects of jet lag and now the fullon effects of the last couple of days...
Have already been downstairs for a glass of milk, spent a little time reading on here (hi Dave...I'll talk with you later...) and will now read for a little while.
