infidelity

[Puppy Dog Tails]

HM,

If you don't feel you can handle it, by all means, don't snoop. I wonder what it is that he's telling everyone, that makes them immediately believe him? Having proof that THAT is untrue would almost be more powerful than proof of the affair itself, as it would show that he's trashing your reputation unfairly. But you're right -- "blood is thicker than spaghetti sauce."

Puppy

[sgctxok]

The thing is, I don't think folks know what's going on. I think he realizes that there are significant risks. Those who do know have cut me off--so I imagine he has made sure I'm at fault in their eyes.


I'm sure they think he's SENSITIVE

Glad you like "hoosiermama!" Must have just been a flash of inspiration.


OH yeah!!!

[sgctxok]

Oh, I have proof. I have several emails that give a nice timeline of the beginning of the affair (while it was still EA), which I got before he changed all his passwords and stopped bringing home his laptop (and then moved out). I have those printed out, in case he ever gets into my emails.

I have the email I received from OW in answer to one I sent her; doesn't explicitly admit an affair, but it is quite implicit in what she writes.

I have D's report of H freaking out when she was looking on his cell/blackberry for a digital game, then yelling at her to "never ever look at my email." Okay, that isn't explicit either, but kinda supporting evidence.

And I have my bank statement, which lists the times he has stopped for wine and take-and-bake pizza near her home--which is far on the other side of the furthest west suburb of Indy; we live on the east side, don't know anyone else out that way.

So nothing explicit except for emails, but those give a clear picture of how it began.

I sent those emails to H's brother a few weeks back, for the very reasons you suggest. Initially the brother was shocked and supportive, but after awhile H talked to him, and he and his wife have cut me off. His parents don't know yet; they will have a cow. I have thought that probably he should tell them, but he'll probably tell them whatever he's told everyone else. Either way, they're Italian; blood is thicker than water, he's the baby boy and can do no wrong. They won't be happy--no divorces in his family, going back several generations--but they definitely won't change his mind. And the common enemy will be me. With my bil and sil, the damage has been done, and even if things work out for the best, my relationship with them is fractured.

I also sent the emails to his pastor--for the same reason. When I talked with him, he was quite supportive and very disturbed about the MLC. I don't know what happened when H and pastor talked, but he did express things were okay "once he was able to explain himself."

I do wish I could do a tiny bit of info gathering, for this purpose, and find a very explicit love note; given that it's undoubtedly a PA now, I would imagine those notes are being passed. But I don't have any way to do that. And it's probably just as well; it would be hard for me to read.

I predict.....that will be short-lived in the grand scheme.

[sgctxok]

HM,

"blood is thicker than spaghetti sauce."

Puppy

I always wondered. Thanks for clearing that up. (Does that include mushrooms?--- I'm embarking on a vegan diet.)

[hoosiermama]

I absolutely love it!! Blood is thicker than spaghetti sauce!!

The more I read about MLC (the resources links are fabulous, dahling), the more I see OW as just a symptom. And a classic one, at that--it gives him (or both of them) an opportunity to relive happier days when they were younger. She's definitely not Catholic, and he seems to have major issues with his former denomination/culture at the moment. She's probably quite different from me in a lot of ways (and I know it will be helpful to learn some of those, to see what it is he's chasing and see if I can provide what I have not. Maybe I should learn to ride horses! --actually, I'm not bad at it, just never get to do it. But that's another story.)

You have a really good point about trashing me. Again, just part of the MLC, and those who have bought into it have just not experienced the alien yet. I will probably eventually find out. As far as him having instant credibility--he's a gregarious guy, often makes folks at ease quickly; he also has a ton of jargon and therapeutic bs language, so he sounds credible. It's not terribly surprising.

Thanks, Puppy. Also, the more I read about MLC, the more I realize that absolutely nothing will be accomplished at this point in MC. I was aware of that, but now I have no expectations!! There are things I need to say; he won't hear them now, may remember them later, but one he's likely to hear is that I don't want D exposed to OW. Not so much because of the Wicca thing (that's just a funny side note, really) but because I just don't want D to have to deal with it. Not good for her. And although I forgot to include it in my list of goals/strategies, that is a major priority. The poor child will be living with this alien in her life when she most needs her dad; 12 is a significant developmental stage for learning to be a woman. The last thing she needs is to figure out how to "be" with OW.

[hoosiermama]

Oh, no doubt. He's a sensitive, nurturing male who can talk about feelings. Of course, he can really only talk about his own feelings right now, but it will take awhile for that awareness to sink in!

[hoosiermama]

Probably. For a ton of reasons. And I hope it is, so we can move on to whatever the next stage will be. He was devastated and depressed for a long time when they split 20+ years ago, so I'm sure it will send him into a tailspin this time around too.

Oh--did you mean the A will be short-lived, or the damaged relationships with inlaws and friends?

[hoosiermama]

Actually I like my spaghetti sauce pretty thick...love mushrooms, too!

I could never be a vegan; I'm too much of a carnivore. Especially in the summertime--grilled animal flesh, gotta love it!

[sgctxok]

Probably. For a ton of reasons. And I hope it is, so we can move on to whatever the next stage will be. He was devastated and depressed for a long time when they split 20+ years ago, so I'm sure it will send him into a tailspin this time around too.

Oh--did you mean the A will be short-lived, or the damaged relationships with inlaws and friends?

THe affair COULD be short-lived, but I meant the damaged relationship with inlaws and friends. I think they will be supportive of him for awhile, and then they will be sick of his silly behavior, see it for what it is. And then they will support you.

That's how it went with my ex. His family didn't talk to me for a year and a half. Then the situation did a 180 for most of them.

[hoosiermama]

I hope so. He's done a pretty good job so far of hiding his behavior from them, don't know if that will continue. They may turn around, especially if he does, but it will probably take awhile for me to be comfortable with them again.