Okay, I'm going to get my late night ramble out of the way early. Hmmm .... Well, I think tonight I'll re-read old letters even though I've decided this is not a repeat of the sitch from 9 years ago.
Setting the scene - W and I had been living together for 3 years. She'd left in Sept. to start master's. Came back at Christmas and called it off (later discovered there was OM since Nov). Lots of bad things done until no contact in April. She came through my town in June and spent 3 fun-filled days.
July 8: "Dear lodo - Oh, what a grand mess I've created for myself. I've been through an incredible range of emotions in the past six months. At Christmas, I was so confused, and overwhelmed, and a little lost - so excited about all of the new things and so disoriented by everything coming to a halt and returning home. Then the burden of trying to fix things over the phone and still be involved in things, and just not wanting to deal. Feeling like I didn't have the energy to mend things. Denying interest in someone else, because I didn't want to be interested in someone else. Not knowing what I wanted from you. Feeling totally detached from my instincts, my emotions, unable to control my reactions. Feeling like I just needed time and feeling totally relieved when I told you that. Knowing how much I was hurting you and still feeling a little relieved and a whole lot sad. Sad for all the things we've shared, and share. Trying to figure out what I was missing from you that made me interested in someone else. I do love you, lodo. Can you see how this hurts me too? I guess, though, that I have to tell you it's over because I'm not ready to be with you right now. Honestly, I'm excited to try things out with OM, even though I can't believe I am. But I still want to see you and talk to you - can I do that? I'm sorry to be hurting you so much."
She ended things with OM 2 weeks later becuase she couldn't relate to him like she could with me. We tried to get back together in Aug, but she got cold feet before I arrived and it was a horrible weekend - I left early. Finally, in early Sept. I told her I never wanted to see her again and kicked her out. She was crying, saying this wasn't right, but I told her to just leave. She called me from the road and we finally talked out our problems. When she got back to CA she sent me this:
Sept: "You must know I've been thinking about you a lot. I feel so stupid that I put you through such crap. I can't explain my narrow-mindedness, my ... I don't know. I'm so sorry, and so sorry it took getting to the real brink to realize what I was doing. It's time for us to move on, together, so I don't want to dwell on all of this, but I'm still processing and trying to account for my feelings and reactions and confusions. I pay for my academic agility in emotional stupidity sometimes - I feel like it takes me forever to figure out what my heart is saying. I love you very much."
Okay, that's enough of my personal life for one evening.
