Not tough questions at all, cos I run these and other things through my mind all the time.
It's funny cos I was talking with SIL last night about W behaviour, and it's best approached with calm DB principles. For instance, if I do something which W perceived to be wrong she has now started to add sarcasm to her shouting, so in a calm manner I just ask her how is that sort of reply going to help us or how is it going to get the job done. It actually stops and makes her think, she still has a rant but it takes the wind out of her sails. In the past I would have just walked away or argued rather than giving a measured response. I think the bottom line here is not to roll over in an argument but not to fuel the flames so it gets out of hand.
In terms of OM's, well I had known that we had problems in our M for a long time and I ignored them, this is why I think she turned to OM #2 which was a long term EA. I actually came across his number a long time ago before I realised he was an EA. In this case I snooped and monitored the situation over a long period of time, I only busted them when I found a text with sexual references. I think now I would confront it sooner, and not accept implausible explanations. With regards OM #1 who was the PA as far as that is concerned I draw a boundary there, no trying to DB that one out. When W implied it was all over with him she said if I tried to contact him or "hunt him down" that would be the end for us. I didn't respond at the time, no actually I did respond, I said OM was her business not mine. I think now I want to say to her that if she contacts OM that's the end for us, not very DB but that's what I would want to say, but opportunities for serious talk have been limited so I leave that thought on file.
Oh another incident, yesterday W went shopping with D6 and when she came in a 5pm she went to bed for a nap, but she has more or less slept through to today (16 hrs and counting). This used to really pee me off, and I would counter it by ignoring or avoiding her for a similar amount of time. But not any more, I have to take into account W's lung condition where she's not able to get similar amounts of oxygen into the blood as normal people so any exertions (shopping lol) leaves here tired and needing longer periods of time to recover. So I'm on hand to look after D6 when she's out of action.
But it's not all doom and gloom, last night when I went to bed W woke briefly and stroked my head and looked over me lovingly for a while before we both fell asleep. I thought geeze that's not happened before in a long, long time. Also there was on another incident I think last week when I was touching W in a certain way and she didn't flinch, again I thought I don't think I've done this in a long time certainly not since before we were married. So it's little things like this that reassure me there is no OM, cos when there is an OM she keeps me at more than arms length.
Lan
PS: fb, I'll try to think of a few more for instances.
you now I am a frequent lurker here. I just saw what you said about your W's lack of oxygen condition. My dad has something similar and we figured it out beacuse he was ... sleeping all today and looked tired all the time. He was tested and it was lack of pxygen. They told him to use a mask during night sleep that "pushes" oxygen in. The first night he used it, he woke a different man. Energy, less sleep (by -50%), and better mood...
Maybe you should get counseling advice to know how to deal with her...!
I probably speak to SIL on the phone maybe 2 or 3 times per month not so much for advice but just to help me with my thought process. SIL works for the probation service and is a very good listener. Actually it been a good learning process for her because she'd never heard of DB before but shes been very interested to see it in action learn and from me.
We sometimes laugh together about how W and BIL were spoilt rotten as kids and how it is affecting them in later life, I seem to be the one who pulled the short straw (lol).
Ever since I've known W she has been a big sleeper, I think it has something to do with her parents allowing her to sleep in as long as she wanted at the weekends. I remember that MIL was not allowed to use the vacuum cleaner at weekends until W had woken up (sometimes at 2pm in the afternoon) or there would be hell to pay.
Anyway about 3 years ago W was going through a period of poor health. Her breathing was affected and it got so bad that just walking up the stairs would leave her out of breath and needing to rest. Anyway after extensive test (and I mean extensive) W was diagnosed with COP (known as BOOP in the USA), this is a degerative lung condition where the lungs deteriorate to the point where they can no longer pass oxygen into the blood, if not caught in time the end result is death unless a lung transplant is made. In W case, the damage to her lungs left her with 40% capacity which she has managed to expand to 60% with reasonable exercise. The spread of the disease was controlled with steroid drug treatment, which W is now tapering off, but she still does need lots of rest after any exertions.
So where I have mentioned in the past that W always falls asleep, part of it is due to her condition, part of it is due to the way she was allowed to grow up, the two are not connected. Oh and yes I have mentioned the use of oxygen to W, in fact when her condition was at it's worst I bought canisters of oxygen, the type that sportsmen use, the idea was when she was out walking and got out of breath she could take a quick zap to boost her, but in her normal drama queen way she discarded them after a couple of goes.
At the moment W is fine but she accasionally laments her loss lung capacity which does restrict the amount of exercise she can do, but as I sometimes tell her she is more able that some people with full lung capacity.
Fathers day was good, I got two lovely cards, one from W the other from D6, they also got together and bought me a nice shirt. Later in the day we all went to the local water park and fed the ducks and the swans and generally enjoyed the nice summer weather. D6 remarked that it was nice to go out as a family (smart kid).
When we got home I finshed off by washing and valeting W's car (how did that happen on fathers day?).
Today at work I chatted with W about general things. Later on she sent me a text thaning me for doing a really good job on her car. That was nice.
I did some reading back over my last couple of threads and W and I have certainly come a long way in the last few months.
Hi Lan! Back from vacation - I could read along on your thread on my phone, but not post. Anyways...
As I have read about your W's manipulative and childish ways, I could certainly feel your frustration. She reminds me a lot of my own mother, who I have often thought of as The Queen of the Guilt Trip. It took me until I moved far away from home to get out from under her thumb, and even so, it was sooooo easy to revert back to my old "submissive" behaviors every time that we talked on the phone or got together. I tell you this, so you know that I do understand kinda where you are coming from.
I think you know this, but I'm going to spell it out regardless. It boils down to the adage, You can't control how other people act, you can only control your reactions to them. In this case, it seems like your reaction in the past has been to "go along to get along" and to sacrifice your own best interests in endlessly seeking approval from W.
Luckily, your recipe for success fits in nicely with everything else you have already done to GAL and DB. Recognize that you do not need W's approval to be happy - instead, look inside yourself for approval, confidence and happiness. You are a terrific guy - stand on your own two feet and stop needing.
And the really good news is - a confident, strong person who doesn't need her approval to be happy - well, once she gets used to this change in you (and I do believe she will), she will find that the new you is a much more attractive and fun person to spend her life with!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Just confirming that we are reading from the same book
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
So as long as I know I need to work on the M and I maintain the DB principles then I should be ok. What is it they say, you can't change the other person so change yourself. I'll do this without becoming a doormat and without accepting some of the things I have done in the past.
Originally Posted By: Rob1231
I think you know this, but I'm going to spell it out regardless. It boils down to the adage, You can't control how other people act, you can only control your reactions to them. In this case, it seems like your reaction in the past has been to "go along to get along" and to sacrifice your own best interests in endlessly seeking approval from W.
The spread of the disease was controlled with steroid drug treatment, which W is now tapering off, but she still does need lots of rest after any exertions.
Hummm, the use of steroids certainly doesn't help with her personality. At least that is what I've been told by my doctor, that is will make a person very aggressive, etc.
Taking in all her health problems, you have to try to over-look a lot of the way she does. I think you are handling it the right way by acting calm and talking softly to her.....b/c it causes her to settle down.
Sounds like you are keeping a handle on things.
Take Care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hummm, the use of steroids certainly doesn't help with her personality. At least that is what I've been told by my doctor, that is will make a person very aggressive, etc.
The steroid drug treatment has affected W's appitite, somtimes she can eat like a horse, but luckily she's kept her weight under control. She has got a slight "moon face" that you can get from steroid, use but her personality is the same as it's always been.
That is surprising. Maybe she is on a low enough dose that it doesn't change her to that much of a degree......I hope so anyway. My H's aunt has to take a tiny dosage everyday just to be able to walk, but my doctor would not consider it for me. Go figure! But I have heard it makes you gain weight and I have seen others that do. I sure don't need that going against me!
Anyway, if you can hold up under the screaming and keep talking that soft, sweet, calm, voice of yours......you'll probably have her swooning before you know it. Reckon?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
