OK, I am getting it (I hope). The Court of Honor ended up having what seemed like a hurricane blow through it; S stayed with x and the rest of us went home to get dry. S understood and was happy that we at least all showed up. There was no drama between x and I. The only contact was me asking him if he was buying the summer camp shirt for S or was I.
A question for you all:
x is having the annual 4th party that we have held in a certain public spot for fireworks for years. He asked if the kids could go (it is on my night), and said that I was not invited. He said that I should "put the kids ahead of myself."
Any suggestions on how to handle it? I am leaning towards saying that sorry, I already made plans...
He is also going away for the weekend and won't be taking them to dinner on his Friday night, I found out today. I now have to cancel plans that I had made. He asked if he could take them Monday, instead (my day).
I say stick to original plans. You have them.. He needs to stick to the original schedule. That's just my opinion.
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
He said that I should "put the kids ahead of myself."
Well, its kind of true, even though he is saying it only to manipulate you. If you truly think the kids would have a great time, I would let them go with your X.
But this one...
Quote:
He is also going away for the weekend and won't be taking them to dinner on his Friday night, I found out today. I now have to cancel plans that I had made. He asked if he could take them Monday, instead (my day).
...I am not sure about. Whatever you decide, I would tell him that from now on, you are happy to switch up days/nights with him, but that you will need more notice. Ask him just to shoot you an email next time.
This situation exists b/c of HIS choices and decisions NOT yours.
And this is only the beginning -- yet he is already trying to guilt and manipulate you...do NOT allow him to do this to you -- b/c it doesn't bode well for the long term unless you set boundaries with him immediately.
I'm sure you'll be arranging to take the kids to the fireworks yourself and they will enjoy that too. And it is probably best for all in the long run -- that you attempt to stick to the schedule and arrangement.
Otherwise your lives will turn into chaos -- with constant adjustments and no way to plan ahead which will lead to much resentment and problems all around.
Yes, there will most definitely be times when flexibility will be needed by BOTH sides -- but this is the 1st holiday event after the divorce and perhaps it is wiser to start to implement the plan in place.
And your xH needs to understand and start living the consequences of HIS choices.
This is his new life...he'd better get used to it.
Hi Donna, this is of course just my opinion, BUT unless you want a scheduling nightmare on your hands I would try really hard from the beginning not to stray from the set schedule. Your XH (and you) should be making plans around that schedule not expecting to change the schedule to fit your plans.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
X is a manipulative ass. Do not engage with him on that level. Ignore his comment about "putting the kids first." Business only. This means not taking his bait.
Now, unless you want your kids to spend July 4 with X, his GF, and her kids, I'd suggest you stick to your plans. And no, this does NOT mean that you should find out whether they will be there or not. Simply assume that they very likely will be there. X has demonstrated that he will expose your kids to them and that he will not be honest or direct with you about it. You don't need to learn that more than once. Take it as a given.
Moreover, you HAVE already made plans. And, you don't need to explain anything to him. Nor should you change your plans for his weekend trip. Whatever you do, do NOT get into the game of justifying your plans or why you can't move them and so on with him.
"X, sorry, that doesn't work with the plans I've made for me and the kids. So, we'll need to stick to the schedule for both the weekend and for July 4. BTW, this also includes Friday evening as I'm booked. So you'll need to make some alternative childcare arrangements to cover your time to make sure the kids get dinner, etc... With more notice, I hope we can both maintain some flexibility, but in general it is probably best to stick to the schedule."
I'm all for trying to be flexible and working it out, but if the schedule changes really mess up your plans I'd say no. Ditto for the other days, if maybe you had nothing planned and he hadn't put it that way, maybe, but I dont' think you should cancel your plans. Have him take care of his night with the kids some other way.
And here is the beginning of my harrasing "HAVE YOU READ THAT COPARENTING BOOK YET?" I just finished, and it is just SO helpful. It has answers to your current dilemma, please please please read it, it will help you so much.
Tomorrow more harrassing 'til you tell me you've read at least 2pgs
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
About the fireworks: it is on Thur 7/3 (my night) at the local mall. I will have other plans with the kids, so no, they aren't going to the party--doesn't matter who will be attending. I will talk to the kids about how things are going to be different, new traditions, trying new things out, etc., and making it fun for all of us. There is a carnival on the other side of the mall, so we'll take that in, then set up for the show ourselves. Or, we will find another fireworks display far from the house (not sure which, yet).
About this Fri night: I would like to dump the problem back in his lap (that I had already made plans, etc), but have no idea who he would get to babysit. I have plans with MIL for a church meeting. I am guessing that GF will be with him at the biker rally, lifting her shirt for the guys to take pics of (why would I say that? cause that was the majority of the pics x brought home from the rally last year--strangers ta-tas--yes, I am being mean; sue me). Her mother? The oldest daughter? Who knows. There isn't anyone else that I know and feel comfortable with to watch the kids. FIL has said that he will sit with them for the 2 hours so MIL and I can go out. I'm going to let this one go, but will write up something for an email saying that this has to be at MY convenience in the future; I don't want to cancel plans.
About GF being in contact: Yep, she is going to be around them. I was really struggling with how to handle this with the kids. IC gave me a great way to deal with it. I can truthfully tell the kids that I am not friends with her (she still hasn't been introduced as GF yet), but daddy is friends with her. They will never be in trouble with me for being around her with dad; I will not be angry with them. I do want them to tell me or dad if anyone, anytime or anywhere, says or does something that ever makes them uncomfortable, no matter who they are.
I saw the kids' IC quickly tonight. She had called me this week, looking for long-overdue payment that x had said he would take care of. I gave her a good-will check and said I was embarrassed that she had to wait...told her we would be calling this week to make appts for son and co-parenting coaching. She hoped that the co-parenting would happen asap.
I was at my own IC appt (same building). I got a lot out of tonight. The last session was a mess. IC and I spoke about how he probably left feeling vindicated, that I was crazy and he had to put up with me. She told me about her insights, things that I didn't notice--his complete lack of remorse for any of the hurt or his angry outbursts, any of inappropriateness, etc. She looked for it, left openings for it (that normal people would have been quick to say during the conversation). She also asked me to read what I could find on narcissistic personality disorder; how he simply cannot be wrong. He was sorry and tried to be kind while I was a mess right after the bomb, soaking in how all of it had been my fault. But the anger that exploded from him after the affair was discovered--that HE had done something wrong--said a lot. And the lies and betrayal leading up to that said a lot about his character. She is guessing that it will be a very long time, if ever, that he even feels guilty, let alone questions what he has done--he would rather be in "emotional turmoil," than admit that he was wrong, especially to me. In his eyes, he is still the hero, the good guy; I am the one who is completely at fault. He is not ready, willing, or able to hear anything at all that counters this viewpoint.
She was cute--asked if I was still exerting too much energy on him and his issues, rather than me. I thought about it....no, there hasn't been the rumination. I don't think about it all the time, anymore. I am living the full life that I have. Knowing the the GF is a trigger, I just turn my head away as I pull into the driveway. I spoke with MIL about the possibility of moving, someday. I can't rush it, especially with the current market. I wondered out loud about moving out of state, getting away from all of this---there is nothing that says I can't. But then, I love my job. I would miss my in-laws, my friends. The kids would have to deal with another big change, moving schools. I would have to take the time to fix up the house. Stay in town? Would it make enough of a difference to warrant the expense and upheaval of moving? Just had some time to think out loud.
I spoke with a friend tonight on the phone. She said that I sounded SO much better, much more like my old self. I feel that way, too. Now, I don't pretend that there usually isn't a half-step backward for every step forward, but I hope that it sticks, and gets better from here. Here isn't so bad.
I've been keeping up with you...just not a lot of energy to post.
I think you are doing great...just keep on thinking about what is the right thing for YOU and your kids.
About that narcissism thing; My IC thinks my H has a pretty (un)healthy dose of that as well going on inside him. Very similar kinds of reactions as your H; even tonight when he told me that he's sleeping elsewhere (although he told me it was at a short-term lease he'd arranged, i'm pretty sure it's with OW...as her kids are gone for a couple weeks...hard to give up the snooping 100%, i'm afraid...) it's all framed as my fault. Hard for me to take...as I know it has been for you, lots of projecting back onto yourself, right?
BUt thankfully, given some good IC, it's getting easier for me to just let it roll off my back...not easy, mind you, but easier that it used to be....
I think you're doing great!!! Netting half-steps forward will get you there in time...
