Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

I totally get the "relief from the pain". I don't think I could have gone on much longer feeling the way I did. And, I get what all I did to get us here - I really blame myself almost completely for this, when in the beginning I couldn't see it. I always felt that it shouldn't matter - "for better or for worse", blah, blah, blah. Now I understand and am getting more in touch with that part of my person and it has been both depressing and rejuvenating. Depressing because I should have known all of this a long time ago, and rejuvenating because I know now and have made alot of the changes to become the person I was meant to be.
The thing that has made me realize it may never be the way it should be is, I don't see any growth or change within him. Case in point, the extreme anger on Sunday. He can't get past all the anger he has for me (and honestly, his family history). So I don't hold out alot of hope for that.
But at least I am feeling more confident and positive and know that, with or without H, I will have a totally new relationship with someone someday.