Sitting here reading my own words, I came up with something that might be stupid. I think often women (or, if you like, low-desire people) think that what sets the love a spouse should have apart is the strength or the intensity of the love you feel.
I can't speak for all high-desire people or men, but I don't see it that way. You often don't really love your spouse "more" than you love other people, you lover her differently. Think about it. What would you do to save your best friend's life? Or your mother's? Or you child's? Would you give up everything if it would save your mother or your father? Would you step in front of a bullet to save your child? Probably.
What higher "amount" of love could you show your spouse than that? There's no higher measure. There are only two things that set your love for your spouse apart from other people you love just as "much":
1. Time (you pledge your life, you spend the vast majority of your time) and 2. Sex. You mate with your spouse, literally. It's the only loving thing you do for your spouse that you wouldn't do for anyone else. Do you see why that's NOT a small thing? It seems that way to people because they think of the small amount of time we spend having sex, or maybe because they see the way some people throw sex at anyone who catches their eye and thus devalue it . . . . but for the average, married, monogamous couple, it's the uniqueness of sex that matters, not how much time it takes out of your day. It's a BIG deal.
I cannot believe he'd risk our family and future over THIS issue.
I'm very curious about this--what did he tell you over the years about how he felt? Was he clear, and you just missed it, or did he assume you must have known what you were doing?
Well, that is definitely a point of contention whenever this comes up. I knew he had a higher drive than me. I knew I wasn't "satisfying" that drive but I was never told of the emotional connection it was for him. That he felt unloved when I didn't respond. That it made him feel that I wasn't attracted to him etc. In 12 years, he never discussed it in depth with me. He believes that by the times he would try to initiate and I would turn him down, that I should have known the hurt I was causing. And you can most definitely call me a dunce, but I was one of "those" women that truly felt because we had SO much that was great in every other area of our life, that it was just one area that would lack and it would be made up for in other things.
Believe me, I WISH he had discussed this in the way he has now YEARS ago. Now I want nothing more than to please him and make him feel loved. And I would've wanted to do that before. I honestly just saw it as a physical thing for him. I had NO IDEA all the emotional damage I was causing.
And it should be obvious to him now. I still have my female pain issue, I still have my history and yet I'm trying to initiate and please him multiple time a week. Not that I can make up for years, and it's NOT just temporary (which is how he views it. He thinks I'll change it now, then revert back)..... it's that only NOW do I have true understanding of the hurt I was causing, and all I want to do is fill him with the love that I had for him all along.
Unfortunately, he made the choice to move out this Monday, so I have no idea if or when I'll have the chance anymore for that. We were ML like 3 or 4 times a week the last 2 months, and some of the best we have had since we started dating, but now that he is moved out, I don't know if anything will happen that way now.
I'm devesated. I love this man, and would and will do anything. And yet he "let" himself get here without ever bringing me into the game. Now I'm here, and all I hear is it's too late.
Any ideas how to progress through my current sitch (separation) with him. Do I ever try to initiate anything? He said right before he left that our sex had been like a million times better than it had been,and he had been enjoying it physically, but that emotionally it was just really conficting for him, so it needed to stop. But he has said similar things all along the way,and near the end actually HE was the initiator a few times. So I'm very confused on how to proceed.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Thanks so much Ali. You give me hope. So many people on here give me hope, and at the same time I hope I'm not just extending my pain with having false hope.
He moved out this Monday to stay with a friend. I still see him alot because he is VERY involved with our D's and since he is staying over an hour away, most of his visits have to occur here at our house.
I'd love any advice you can give on idea to proceed.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Hey sweetie I posted in your other thread.... hope it helps some. I tend to jumble up my thoughts. I tried my best to help you get started at any rate..... any questions feel free to post them in my thread. Also do you have a journal?
I used mine to make small goals.... and I looked at it the other day and you know what I reached every one. Small attainable goals and writing down what works what doesnt. Vent alot in there and not at H~ All my best to you.. Take care and God bless.... ~Ali
