Nah, I don't want it to be a guilt thing, but I think that's how he would take it. But at the same time if he asks me how she's doing am I supposed to just say "fine" even though that's not true? I hate this damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I think so, but I'm not sure. Tonight will be a bit different as she has a T Ball game, so they'll only have like 2 hours together after that before her bedtime. She's just so excited that she already gets to see him (he planned it that way so she wouldn't be so scared of not seeing him after he moved out) that I'm not sure how she'll act with him.
All of her "destruction" has been aimed at the house oddly enough. And now with him not living here, I'm not sure if he'll have an opportunity to be around if she acts out like this again.
I just don't know.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Have you thought about having her go to counseling? That could help her deal with this.
Maybe you could just tell him and ask him what he thinks about sending her to counseling. Think about HOW you say it. If you say "D has been destructive ever since YOU moved out", then he may take it as you guilting him. You could say "I am worried about the affect that OUR separation is having on D, she has been very destructive lately. I just wanted to get your opinion on havng her talk to a counselor." Maybe he would be more receptive if you offer a possible solution to the problem that doesn't involve him coming home.
I don't know, just throwing ideas out there. Maybe you can start a thread in the separated forum and more people can help you with this situation.
I definitely want to get her into counseling. I think I will go that route with him. We had talked that if we ever got to the actual separation stage we would for sure do that for her, but haven't talked about it since it actually happened. I do need to do tah for her.
Well, yesterday was strange. The first "visitation" D6 had a make up Tball game so H met us there. Then after the game he took them to the store to get some dinner and bring it back to the house. With him being over an hour away, and their bedtimes etc. he just has to do much of his visiting here at the house. So I ran errands, did grocery shopping etc, and made a point to not come back to the house until 8:30pm (bedtime). So we put D6 to bed, then we discussed some schedule, financial stuff before he left. Then he asked me if I wanted him to put the ladders away in our detached garage before he left. I told him no thanks, that I was still staining and would just need them to tomorrow, so they might as well just stay outside for the night.
I then screwed up (shocker eh) and told him I felt like I was in a holding pattern not knowing what to do with my schooling idea. Do I do the home study I found of what I want to do. It's self paced, I could get through it quicker, but many of the jobs in the field require the degree in the field. There is state testing and certification anyone can take, so I would get that with the home study, but many jobs I look up want that 2 year degree. I could do that if we reconcile, I need the home study to get through quicker if we don't (so I can try to make more money quick to keep in this house).
I'm an idiot and brought that up. I said.. "I know it's probably hard for you to tell me which I should do since you are not in a place of R at all right now, but I still pray for that, and if we did, I'd rather do the actual 2 year program, where I could get the degree and finincial aid etc. I'm just feeling lost and not sure which road I should take".
He just looked at me and said... "why don't you call the school and see if any of your course work (I have my BM) from before would transfer and make it shorter than 2 years. And lets not decide this now"
So I don't know what that means. He says he's sure he's done. It'll never change. But I feel like while he won't tell ME anything as to not give me hope. He just might realize he truly won't know for awhile, so he's giving it time. I hope so anyway. Time is all I have ever asked for.
So today will be the first day that the girls will not see him at all. He will call tonight to say goodnight, but that is it. Then he'll come to see them tomorrow night.
I told him that last night it was easy to disappear because I had actual errands to run,but that I probably realistically and financially will not be able to do that every time he is here. I told him I can disappear, and work in my garden etc, but that we have a very strange situation right now. He agreed and said that was fine. And that he too cannot financially take them out each time. So I think tomorrow he will come here for dinner with us, then he'll go outside and play with the kids until their bedtime, and I'll try to be in my own world.
I just wish this separation could be more separate. I know that sounds so strange since this is NOT what I want. But I really worry he is not going to get the full feel of what it means in this situation.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Sorry, I know I'm long winded. Probably why I talk to myself so much! LOL
Really struggling today, as this is DAY one of not going to see him at all for me and the girls. It's sad that I'm already looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night when he comes to see the girls. Even though he won't be here for me, and I have to "disappear" I'm already counting the hours. How pathetic I've become.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Oh honey, you aren't sad or pathetic. I remember the first day I went without talking to H. It was horrible. You can probably read back in my threads and see how bad I was. We all go through that. It is very hard.
I don't think you have to disappear, but you can't start any R talks. Be happy and upbeat...show him what he is missing. I understand what you say about it not being separate enough, but a lot of people complain about not seeing their spouse enough so that they can see the changes they've made. Let's look at this positively. He will see you enough to see your changes! A small goal for you would be to not talk about the R at ALL tomorrow. It is draining and it makes him feel guilty. No matter how you bring it up he sees it as you guilting him and pushing him. If you have a draining R talk everytime you see him then he will start to dread seeing you. Keep things light.
Just give him some time to experience being on his own. I think all these visits and driving will start to get to him before long.
You need to lovingly detach. That doesn't mean being cold, that doesn't mean going dark. It just means that you need to learn how to not let the situation and his mood affect you. You need to quit focusing on him and start focusing on YOU.
I am glad to see that you are here. I thought you were only in SSM and was going to recommend you come here.
I am terrible at offering concrete advice... but I will tell you this anything is possible. You have to want it bad enough and work really hard. And ~HE has to still have some love deep down in there. Buried .....
First I would recommend you take care of you, look great when he comes over * ( even though you feel like S**T) STOP immediately any type of talking or behaviors that would be construed as pressure.
Trust me he is in pain too they just show it different and he has had more time to process this. he was thinking about this long before 5 weeks ago.
In his mind you will never ever absolutely never change and even if you did it would only be for a bit and then it would go back to life as usual.. And he cannot bear to live like that anymore.
So when he sees you be pleasant and upbeat.
Do not ever become a doormat. Also do not bring the past into the present. Work form now and forward. He is living in the past with his pain and when you dredge it up you make him feel worse.
I do not want to give you false hope either like you said in the SSM thread but I do want you to know my H said all those things. I filed on June 1st for a D and lost weight like you have and was miserable.
and make no mistake if and when the reconcile comes it is no walk in the park. You will still have to work your a** off and keep the changes real and going. I have been reconciled for almost 2 years now and I can say it is just getting comfortable.
No more walking on eggshells and I still am reading and working on our R everyday.
It is not easy but it is possible....
I will try to keep in touch... and post when I can.
If you ever have a question feel free to put it in my thread. Also as far as the kids try not to let them see you upset and get strong for you but especially for them.
All my best to you love you can do this......
Put all your effort into saving this Marriage ..... if it fails worry about that then .....but for now put all your heart and soul into this..... for now is all you have.
Take a deep breath wipe yourself up off the floor and get to work,,, work on being the best you possible. This is the hardest thing you will ever get thru and also the most worthwhile when you succeed.
~P.S. Take a look at my old threads. Like I told you before the advice I was given was stellar. Also you will see my pain, my elation and my ups and downs. It is not a bowl of cherries but believe in Miracles... If I only knew how to link.... I would put it here.
God bless you and you H and your little girls... ~Ali
