infidelity

[hoosiermama]

(Cut and pasted from MLC thread)
Do his colleagues at work know what's going on? I think some of them know he has moved out and that we're "having problems," and he's probably told them all kinds of craziness about me (I know he must have told a few others too, because I've been cut off in a few relationships). But I am fairly certain no one there knows about OW, or at least the extent of their relationship. I would think that some of them may begin to suspect, as he seems to be spending a lot of time in the NICU. My understanding is that after summer is over he'll be covering a different unit, but I'd be willing to bet that he'll find a way not to change. I would think that if co-workers and boss knew the whole story, it would be a big problem. However, since he's euphoric and has received a lot of affirmation there, he probably believes he's bulletproof against criticism. Have I thought about spilling the beans? Of course. I haven't seriously considered it, tho. Besides, he's apparently already thought about that and warned me never to have any contact with his colleagues. "This is my career! You don't mess with it." Okay, this is my marriage, family, life--and he's definitely messed with that! However, I don't think it would likely accomplish anything positive, realistically. Besides, if this thing ever does go to court, he has lawyers in his family; I don't want him to feel entitled to revenge.

Does his congregation know? No. I talked with his pastor, who's a friend of mine too, early on. Eventually, at the pastor's insistance, he talked with him too. He was livid that I had had any contact with him (isn't that a logical person from whom to seek help?) and said that they had agreed that the congregation doesn't have to know all the details of his life. He also said that altho he was initially afraid that my conversation with the pastor would slow down his process of preparing for ordination--note: not his behavior, but mine was in question in his mind!--that it probably wouldn't really interfere at all. I don't know if that's what actually transpired or if it's just what he heard. Clearly there's some guilt going on or he'd be more of an open book, which is what he claims to be.

I would think that, under the circumstances, the MC would have a hard time "encouraging" the affair. I don't expect her to discourage it, because I think she'll realize he won't hear her. However, he's really not showing a lot of integrity (i.e. what's going on inside matching what's going on outside) in regard to his professional or church life and relationships, and I would think that would be a factor--if only because his continuing his present course could be harmful to HIM in those areas. So, no, I don't think she'll DIScourage him, but I can't imagine that she would encourage him to escalate the affair.

H is a new episcopalian, having left the Catholic church; also, he recently left a Catholic hospital and is working for a less denominationally-oriented system.